This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 28 December 2012

The least-read Catholic blogs

It's that time of year when people give each other awards, such as Best Catholic blog involving donkeys, or perhaps Most influential political blog written by a failed politician, or indeed Religious blog written by the man with the best hair. So in the interests of fairness, it is time to recognise the little man (or woman) and name some of the least-read blogs.


Trappist blogger

Fr Armand, a Trappist monk.

Father Armand has taken a ten-year vow of silence; nonetheless his hard-hitting but voiceless blogging is starting to make an impact. His comment "!!" on the Government's same-sex "marriage" proposals is widely regarded as the last word on the subject. Similarly, his carefully-reasoned opinion "????" on the sanity of Richard Dawkins has been widely quoted in psychiatric circles.


Hans Klunk

Fr Hans Klunk, from the Foundation for Global Excess.

After being beaten at Scrabble by a young Josef Ratzinger in 1938, Fr Klunk has held a life-long hatred for our present Pope. Although ordained a priest, he is not allowed to talk about theology in his sermons, so he usually talks about subjects similar to those of his blog posts. Most recently: Ratzinger cheats at Scrabble, you know, What the Pope could learn from me about humility and How many divisions has the Pope caused?


Beans on toast

Beans on toast - as eaten by Father Xylophone.

Some of the best blogs spawn tribute blogs, and Fr Xylophone ("Fr X"), a devoted admirer of the great Fr Zuhlsdorf ("Fr Z"), has attempted to provide a blog that likewise will be read throughout the English-speaking world; however, he has failed lamentably. His most recent posts The day I spilled the beans on the floor, Quaeritur - will I go to Hell if my chasuble is the wrong color? and Can you give me some ideas for my next sermon? have won him an average weekly readership of 3.


Margaret O'Tharg

Margaret O'Tharg - interviewer extraordinaire.

Margaret O'Tharg (age 6) is the new voice in traditional Catholic journalism. A compulsive interviewer, she has decided to make her name by speaking to prominent Catholics, getting them to explain how their faith led them to support the Church's teaching on marriage, abortion, and sexual morals. She began with Tina Beattie, Enda Kenny, Fr Joe Ryan, and Patrick McLoughlin, but has not yet collected enough material for a blog post.


Holey cheese

A holey cheese.

Fr Cheddar, of the Diocese of Portsmouth, has long been convinced that many hymns could be improved by replacing all the nouns by names of cheeses. So far the seasonal efforts published on his blog include Silent Brie, Holy Brie and Hark! The Double Gloucesters sing. Many people have condemned him as a very silly man, but he is actually the one success among today's list of bloggers, since Paul Inwood's prestigious publishing company Magnificat Music has just agreed to publish some of his work under the title More cheesy hymns for today.

13 comments:

  1. "Fr Cheddar, of the Diocese of Portsmouth,"

    Clifton...shurely?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you can think of a cheese made in the Portsmouth diocese, I might change it!

      Delete
  2. Dorset Blue Vinney is made in the Plymouth Diocese.

    Portsmouth's only original contribution on the cheese front is the Huntley and Palmer cheese biscuit, originally made in Reading.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mistake. I had no idea Plymouth extended that far east.

      Delete
    2. Reading and indeed Bracknell are in the Diocese of Portsmouth. Many from the criminal classes moved to the latter from London during the 1960's including my uncle. When I visited and attended Mass with him I was struck by the local bishop's name as it leapt out from the Eucharistic prayer, "Derek". I had no idea that Catholics were permitted to be called Derek and assumed that the man was an impostor.

      Delete
  3. Still, Dorset Blue Vinney is a great name.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Isn't he de head of de Caflick church in England and Whales? Xx Jess

    ReplyDelete
  5. I heard that Fr Armand had been ordered by his bishop to begin using emoticons, in the Spirit of Vatican 2 👿😡😱

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fr Xylophone does an occasional piece on the National Catholic Fishwrapper, and I heard a rumour that he lay in wait for Sr Muriel one Friday, and caught her emerging from the Saucy Friar in Castro clutching a battered saveloy. This was shortly before the Apostolic Visitation, so we can draw our own conclusions. He is fond of Fr Cheddar, however, and the last time he was in England he canvassed for recipes before visiting Portsmouth. Mrs Mavis McSporran suggested adding Lea and Perrins to his welsh rarebit recipe. Fr X posted at length about this under the title "say the black and toast the bread".

    ReplyDelete
  7. How about the Isle of Wight Cheeses Company - Old Gaffer is one

    http://www.isleofwightcheese.co.uk/our-cheeses

    ReplyDelete
  8. Frere Rabit, Iain Dale and Damian Thompson must be the first three blogs you mention?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Sir, I am disgusted that you take cheap shots at my Catholic donkey blog simply because the donklings are appropriately dressed in red birettas for Christmas. If this is Catholic satire, I am a rabit.

    Yours ad hoc etc.,
    Notarabit

    ReplyDelete