QUAERITUR: Is Latin bad for your soul?

Over at the little-known Rorate Caeli blog, they have broken the news that Michael Olson, the bishop of Fort Worth, Texas, has banned the Extraordinary Form of the Latin Mass at Fisher-More College (which is odd, as Fisher and More would have been amazed to see a Mass celebrated in English).

+Worth.

In his letter, +Worth issues various threats (called "norms"), explaining "I make these norms out of my pastoral solicitude and care for the students of Fisher-More College, as well as for your own soul."

As a well-regarded arbiter of moral issues, I have been asked, "Is Latin bad for your soul?" So here is some definitive advice on the degrees of sinfulness involved.

Latin or Soul? The great dilemma.

Slightly sinful: using expressions like "e.g.", "i.e.", "Q.E.D." and "R.I.P." in conversation (not realising that they are LATIN). You should certainly mention this at Confession.

Dangerously sinful: deliberately showing off with expressions such as ipso facto or persona non grata. Atone for this by making a pilgrimage on your knees to a holy place such as Fort Worth.

In peril of damnation: attending Mass and using expressions such as Gloria in Excelsis Deo, which God regards as a personal insult. Will probably be excommunicated, just as soon as they've got round to dealing with Enda Kenny.

Damned for all eternity: attending an Extraordinary Form Mass, similar to those celebrated by all Catholics fifty years ago. No hope of being saved!

Pope John XXIII: canonization cancelled after complaints from Bishop Olson.

I hope that helps.

Pope Francis not a Zygon

Having watched the Dr Who 50th anniversary episode (and we promise not to blog on Dr Who again for... ooh... at least a week), we have finally found the explanation for the sudden change in Pope Francis.

This is not the Pope.

Pope Francis has been having a lot of bad publicity lately, thanks to various statements that he is supposed to have made - or which were made up for him by Eugenio Scalfari and various liberal journalists.

Indeed, his reputation amongst traditionalists was mud, with the great Mundabor writing "Francis is clearly a sodomite pinko liberal commie pervert - although as a pious Catholic I do respect the authority of the Holy Father." Then Rorate Caeli chimed in with "We're not really sedevacantists but how can we possibly accept Francis, when he's an ex-KGB member in league with the Prince of Darkness? What's more, his Latin is terrible." Even Father Z commented: "Let's read Francis as if he'd said what Benedict said."

Scalfari - his new book is called: Believe me - Pope Francis told me he was an atheist.

Only the Bitter Pill and the National Anti-Catholic Fishwrap dared to defend the words of Pope Francis, when he said - at least according to these distinguished publications - "Stop worrying about abortion, birth control, same-sex marriage, murder, theft and adultery. Just chill out, man," and - on another occasion - "Who am I to judge between Good and Evil - they're equally good lifestyle choices!"

But all this is at an end. It turns out that for several months we did not have a pope at all, but a shape-changing Zygon. Within the last week, this alien creature has been sent packing, and a lucrative column on the Guardian awaits it, as a colleague of Chris Huhne.

Another strange being employed by the Guardian.

Now that the real pope is back on the throne of St Peter, we are seeing all the traditional statements that we expect from a pope. For example, on Twitter: "HI! I'M A CATHOLIC. RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO! LOL." (Sadly, he has not yet matched the intellectual gravitas of Pope Benedict.) Then again, "This Hermeneutic of Continuity idea sounds jolly fine. Perhaps I'll drop into Blackfen next week and find out more about it." And finally, "Spirit of Vatican II ??!!?? Arentchasickofit ??!!??" This last is regarded as a bid for a regular column in the Catholic Herald, perhaps entitled Frank Speaking.

And you're fired too!

Pope Francis takes an aeroplane

Catholic commentators are expecting some special news today, as Pope Francis steps onto an Air Vatican flight to Milan. You can be sure that everything he says and does will be scrutinised very carefully - is he about to move the Catholic Church towards abortion, divorce and same-sex marriage? Or is he going to stick to Christianity?

A life-jacket demonstration or a liturgical abuse?

Well, this is very exciting. The Pope has put down his copy of The God Delusion, and is carefully watching the flight attendant demonstrate the use of the life-jackets. Liberal Catholics will surely interpret this attentiveness as a sign that the Holy Father wishes to make a point about the important role that ladies play in the church - surely the ordination of women cannot be far away?

On the other hand, the pope's nihil obstat to the life-jacket demonstration may also be seen as his way of expressing a traditional pro-life attitude.

Have you noticed that Pope Francis is sitting in seat 6A? Now Pope Benedict always used to sit in seat 8F, so that on take-off he had a good view of St Peter's Basilica. Traditionalists will worry that Francis is deliberately distancing himself from Benedict here by choosing to look at a humble power station on take-off.

Is the subliminal message: "I have the power now"?

Well, we've taken off, and the Pope has picked up The God Delusion again. He's laughing heartily at it, so we may see that as a sign that he is an orthodox Catholic, after all. Apparently, last time he flew he took God's Mother, Eve's Advocate with him, and had to make use of the sick-bag provided.

The flight attendant's coming round with the trolley now. She's offered Pope Francis a choice of drinks, and we can just hear what he's saying to her ex cathedra: "Coffee, please!" The use of "Coffee" here, rather than the Latin word Coffeum preferred by Pope Pius XII, will come as a shock to many - clearly Francis no longer thinks it appropriate to use Latin in a liturgical context. Has he repealed Summorum pontificum?

Well, after that bombshell, we must see what the Pope chooses to eat. A cheese sandwich or ham? Now there's another shock - he's rejected the Battista Ricotta cheese and chosen the ham instead. This is surely a sign that he means to take seriously those allegations of sexual misconduct at the Vatican Bank.

Battista Ricotta - rejected by the Pope.

We note that the Pope has been sitting quietly in his seat during the flight, with his seat-belt attached. Pope John-Paul II used to take his off, and kiss the floor of the aeroplane, but clearly Pope Francis's reign is going to be totally different.

Well, the captain has put on the "seat belts" sign now, and Pope Francis looks up from The God Delusion and smiles at the flight attendant as she takes his coffee cup away. Yes, there's clearly going to be movement on the ordination of women.

"Could you be quiet? I'm trying to read."

Well, that was a most eventful flight, and clearly a lot of commentators are interpreting the pope's words and deeds very carefully. Over at the Tablet they are quaffing champagne, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead. At the other end of the spectrum, the good folk at Rorate Caeli are on the telephone to the Samaritans, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead.

New Pope criticised on all sides

Jerusalem, AD 33. Pope Peter, the new occupant of the Chair of St Peter, has been severely criticised both by traditional and liberal commentators following his taking office two weeks ago.

Pope Peter - a new era for the church?

Since the departure of Jesus, last seen mysteriously disappearing into a cloud, Pope Peter is now the leader of several hundred Catholics worldwide, all of whom are waiting to see in which direction he will take the Church.

Traditionalist bloggers, led by Roar at Galilee, have already criticised Pope Peter on the following grounds:

1. He has abandoned the tradition of walking on water, probably because he is not very good at it.

2. He seems unwilling to celebrate Masses in Latin, preferring a modernist Aramaic service.

3. Following a rather sordid incident involving a cock crowing, Pope Peter has been accused of complicity with the repressive Pontius Pilate junta.

4. So far Peter has refused to wear the traditional halo.

Roar at Galilee has called for a return to the age of miracles, saying that what Pope Peter needs is a little more Spirit. With Pentecost rapidly approaching, it will be interesting to see whether the new pope can satisfy such critics.

Meanwhile, liberal Catholics are equally disappointed. The Tablistines People's Front (Pepinster, Curti, Beattie, Stourton, ...) has observed with dismay that the new Pope is showing himself distinctly reluctant to embrace abortion, euthanasia, same-sex relationships or women apostles. "I feel let down - I only joined the Catholic church for way-out sex and violence," complained one Tablistine.

Ed Stourton, who has complained that a baboon keeps peering through his window.

At this stage the general feeling is one of disappointment. It is clear that Peter will not be able to match the record of his illustrious predecessor: nonetheless, some have said that dropping the "King of Kings" role and presenting the Pope as a simple fisherman may be just what is needed to increase the popularity of the Church.

Simple fish and chips - a dish fit for a modern 1st century Pope.