This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Oxford University Press becomes Muslim-friendly

Following the decision by Oxford University Press that its authors should not mention pigs, pork, sausages, or other pig-related words in children's books in order to avoid offending Muslims, it was announced today that all pigs in existing works would in future be replaced by camels. Said a spokesman, "You can't be too careful. Look what happened to Charlie Hebdo."

Animal Farm

The sort of filth we need to stamp out.

In the new OUP Animal Farm, the animals of Manor Farm, led by two camels, Mohammed and Abdul, revolt against the evil Farmer Jones. In best Muslim tradition they do this by means of a jihad, and impose Sharia Law. In the end, however, the camels betray the Islamic Revolution.

Blandings Castle

The pig must go!

Likewise, in the Blandings Castle books of P.G. Wodehouse, the stories are rewritten slightly, so that the Sheikh Al-Emsworth is obsessed by his prize camel, the Emir of Blandings (it would not be appropriate for the camel to be female!) His burkha-wearing sister Lady Fatima Bint-Keeble is also in attendance, although she naturally plays a submissive role. The dissolute brother G'Allah'ad Threepwood is no longer allowed to drink alcohol, but he loves his regular tipple of lemonade. He eventually becomes a heroic suicide bomber.


Goodbye, Piglet! You're unclean.

Meanwhile, the character of Piglet has been dropped from the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, to be replace by Camlet, a young camel. The story is also being made more Muslim-friendly with the addition of a flogging (Kanga, an unmarried mother), a paw-cutting (Tigger, for dishonesty), and a decapitation of the intellectual Wol.

Prime Minister David Cameron had no comment to make on the changes being made, except to ask whether it would be possible to include a transgendered character or even a same-sex marriage somewhere in the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, to reflect the diversity of modern Britain. He was invited to take this issue up with the Muslims.


This must go too.

Finally, it was realised that even children sometimes consult dictionaries, and so from now on the prestigious Oxford English Dictionary will no longer contain the words pig, pork, or sausage.

Sir Francis Bacon

Oops... Sir Francis Bacon.

We should reassure readers that the writings of Sir Francis Bacon will continue to be published, although the author's name will be changed to Sir Francis Halal-Meat.


  1. "...Lady Fatima Bin-Keeble..."

    ## I make no claim to be an Arabist - but should that not be "Bint-..." - which the good lady doubtless is ?

    A son of Noah will need to be re-named, as will Peppa - instead of Ham, I suggest. not elititist Sirloin, but plain egalitarian Loin; Peppa can become Aisha the Cat. (Islam is rather keen on m' feline friends.)

    1. Thanks again. I have changed it now, since this is a blog of strict accuracy.

  2. Pig, pork, sausages, sausalata, bacon, charcuterie, boudin, black pudding, pigs trotters, porky scratchings, smokey bacon, pork crackling, pig roast, polony, chipolatas, salami, Pork Trimmings, bellies, tenderloins
    ground pork, Anduille, Weiners, Chorizo, merguez, jerkey, ham, hocks etc., etc.
    Ooh! I feel better already.

  3. As an Anglican Franciscan friar, more years ago than I care to remember, I was invited to take school assembly in a CofE school in Hulme, Manchester. Knowing how well the stories of St Francis and the animals always went down, I chose to tell them the story of Brother Juniper and the pig. Juniper - a simple brother and a cook - is so filled with compassion for a brother who is unwell that he jumps over a neighbour's fence and chops off the leg of one of his pigs, and cooks it for the sick brother. Of course, the neighbour goes ballistic and creates a wild scene. The story turns out well because the angry neighbour is eventually so filled with compassion with Juniper's simplicity of heart, and for the poor brothers that he gives them the rest of the pig.

    After the assembly, I was asked to go to the headteacher's office and I was a bit puzzled by her hysterical screaming that went on for a full five minutes. Yes, you guessed it. Although an Anglican school, it had 25% Muslim children and pigs were never mentioned.

  4. What are they going to do about the AbraHAMic religions?

  5. Does that mean I'll have to stop wearing this T-shirt when I walk past the local 'Islamic centre'?

  6. It's very disturbing-there seems to be an event of this nature every time I go on the internet now. It's like groundhog day. Aaaaaarrhh!!!, no.