This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Pope declares war on rabbits

In his latest ex Cathedra, or more precisely, ex Carro Volante statement, Pope Francis has come out firmly against rabbits, as he declared that "Catholics do not need to breed like rabbits."

how rabbits breed

This is how rabbits breed.

Apparently, too many Catholics have been breeding as in the picture above: the male Catholic retreats to a "hutch" or "shed", and is visited by the female Catholic. A mere eight weeks later, she makes a "nest" out of hay, and presents the happy father with four to six baby Catholics. Such behaviour, although hitherto common amongst the faithful, is nowadays considered eccentric, and Catholics are now urged to breed in the same way as people of other religions and none.

Dawkins and rabbit

A distinguished biologist explains how rabbits breed.

When the Holy Father made his speech, there was at first some confusion, as several commentators misheard him, and thought that he said "do not breed like rabbis." These words would have been unfortunate at a time when relations between the Jews and the Catholics are very friendly: neither party can stand the Muslims.

Bugs Bunny

Annibale Bugnini.

Only one famous Catholic in recent history has actually been a rabbit, namely, Annibale Bugnini (shown above), whose reforms of the liturgy included replacing the famous Gregorian chant Quid agatur, medice? by the less elegant "What's up, Doc?" (arr. Inwood). The pope's commination of the Leporidae may be seen as a rejection of Bugnini's changes. Well, we hope so.

A rabbit writes: This is just the latest in a series of gaffes by Pope Francis. Last week, he was encouraging us to punch his mother, and this week he is making racist accusations against rabbits. Does he not know that many rabbits lead chaste, celibate lives, and do not breed at all? Yours, Disgusted of Wonderland.

white rabbit

Disgusted of Wonderland.


  1. Does this rule out giving a rabbit punch to someone who insults your mother?

  2. Frererabit will make a full statement on these matters when his paws have stopped wildly zizzing.

  3. Now where did I last see those old snares. They're around somewhere?

  4. Breaking: The following statement has now been issued on behalf of rabits regarding the in-flight statement of Pope Francis.

    "We are holding the ex-Franciscan heretic and now rebranded environmental guru Leonardo Boff in a garden shed in a favela in Brazil, guarded by a very dangerous deacon in good standing. If you issue a statement saying nothing has changed, and your in-flight anti-rabit speech was a pointless exercise in fondling the admiring press corps, we will release Boff unharmed. Failing that, your whole environmental encyclical - carefully crafted by Boff and on his hard drive - will be sledgehammered by a carefully selected team of untrained rabits.

    In your court.

  5. I blame Darkins for his replicators, while Francis is in a bit of a stew now of his own making. I guess his parents must have been a right pair of rabbits too.

  6. Francis is very friendly with Talmudic Rabbits.