This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Religious Cluedo - or who killed AC?

The story so far: Archbishop Cranmer, the celebrity blogger, has been found murdered. There are six principal suspects, all people who were (justly or unjustly) excluded from his list of the top 100 UK Christians in favour of more exciting people such as Catherine Pepinster, Giles Fraser and Austen Ivereigh. Which one do YOU think was guilty?

Cormac Murphy-O'Connor

Cardinal Green.

The illustrious Cardinal Green, rumoured to have been the Eminence Verte behind the election of Pope Francis (who does not appear in this game), was once seen wandering round the cathedral with a candlestick. Green with envy because his sidekick Vincent Nichols made it onto the Cranmer list, and annoyed because his other sidekick Kieran Conry was exiled to a snakes-and-ladders game, could the Cardinal have decided to bash the celebrity blogger?

Sr Yvonne Pilarski

Sister White.

No relation to Canon White, the Vicar of Baghdad, who actually won the Cranmer game, Sister White, the pastoral administrator of a church in Milton Keynes, is described by her local priest in the Tablet as "a very good parish priest – she has that feminine quality that parish priests don't have". Why should Anglican lady vicars such as Libby Lane and Kate Bottley be Cranmerized, when this pioneering sister - who actually trades under the name of Sr Yvonne Pilarski - is leading the way for feminism? Sister White was apparently seen in the presbytery with the dagger.

Bird's Custard

Colonel Custard

The wrath of Damian Thompson ("Colonel Custard" of the Spectator) was wondrous to behold, when he discovered that he was excluded from the top 100, even though less famous Christians such as Tim Stanley, Richard Chartres and Alexander Lucie-Smith were allowed seats at the top table. Damian was last seen in Notting Hill with a piece of lead piping: he claims that it was an an organ pipe that fell off when he played Bach at Mach 2.

Mrs Beacock

An expert in religion, society and human flourishing (which is what we recommend to people who can't cope with grown-up theology), Tina Beacock is a high-profile lecturer, whose comic book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate is subtitled 4004 B.C. and All That. She was last seen on a Thames houseboat with a rope - an innocent enough item, given the context.

Professor Dawkins

Professor Dumb.

Richard Dumbkins, although not a Christian in any meaningful sense, feels that he should have been included, since his writings have done so much to expose the contradictions and silliness of atheism. He was last seen wandering round Oxford with a spanner, although it may simply be that he has a screw loose (in which case shouldn't it have been a screwdriver?)

Louise Mensch

Mrs Scarlett

Once regarded as the Barbara Cartland of the House of Commons, the authoress of Say Farewell to the Archbishop of Corby, and No Communion for Mrs Mensch, produced a surprisingly orthodox contribution to the great "Should Cardinal Kasper be allowed to destroy the Catholic Church?" debate. However, because it was so sensible, it was largely ignored. She was last seen in New York, bearing a revolver.

So there you have it, six suspects who had reason to kill of Archbishop Cranmer. Over to you...


  1. Richard Darkins has frequently been photographed in his black frustrated Vicar outfit gazing upwards in wholly angst towards his deific evolutionary duplicated replicator.

  2. I regret to inform everyone here that Mrs Scarlet took early retirement the other day due to ingrowing pimpernels.

  3. What a co-incidence! I know another Scarlet Pimple who will be taking early retirement soon after an unsuccessful sex-change operation.