This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Je suis Eccles

After the distressing events of this week, you may be unsure how to react. We suggest a few possibilities: which of these slogans is yours?

Je suis Charlie

Look, I know some people are going to find my views controversial here, but I really feel I should stick my neck out and say that I am not a fan of murdering journalists and cartoonists. I mean, I found one of the Alex comic strips in the Telegraph totally pathetic and unfunny - well, most of them, actually - but I didn't feel I had to kill someone. Call me a woolly liberal who jumps on whatever bandwagon is going, but that's just how I am. If my views have caused offence, I apologise.

Charlie Chaplin

Je suis Charlie.

Je ne suis pas Charlie / Je suis non Charlie / Je non suis Charlie pas / Suis-je Charlie / Qui suis-je / Je suis la plume de ma tante (depending on level of fluency in French)

Of course I don't think those guys should have been murdered. However, unlike them I don't think that throwing bricks at the gendarmes in the 1968 riots was a pretty neat trick, and I've actually seen some of the repulsive anti-Catholic cartoons that the Charlie Hebdo staff produced. So I don't identify with them either. Sigh... I'll explain this again, slowly...

Je suis Ian

Of course my own magazine, Private Parts, which was originally intended as a radical alternative to Punch, is now as much part of the establishment as I am (I hope you watch me on my show Haven't we got any jokes for you?) We don't do much satire in the Parts these days, although we occasionally slip in a joke about child abuse whenever the Catholic Church is in the news. So we shan't be publishing anything that might actually upset someone, or even make them laugh.

Ian Hislop

The voice of the establishment.

Je suis François

Franchement, je suis hors de mon depth here. Vive la France séculaire, with its même-sexe mariage, l'abortion and le bashing de religion. Eh bien, les Musulhommes are bienvenus en general, particulierement les Musulhommes séculaires. However, I've got trop de femme trouble at le moment, and apart from sending in les gendarmes with all guns blazing je n'ai pas de grande stratégie pour dealing with a crise.

Je suis Jihad Jean

Ever since the days when I used to pull the heads off my dolls, I have been a fan of senseless violence, and defending the reputation of the prophet Mohammed is obviously a cause close to my heart. Starting a bloodbath is the only way to make people appreciate that Muslims are essentially peace-loving people, almost indistinguishable from paid-up members of the Church of England. And when all this is over I'm coming back to England to train as an actuary.

Fr Jack

A lecherous, foul-mouthed alcoholic religious figure. I hope this was not based on any particular prophet.

Je suis Tony

As a full-time internet troll in good standing, I will question your motives whatever your reaction to the week's events. If you say nothing I will say you don't care, and if you make a comment I'll say you're attention-seeking. To those people who claim "Je suis Eccles", this is evidence that Brother Eccles - who, my spies tell me, is really Fr Jennifer Eccles, the transgendered Dominican referred to in the previous post - is still using dozens of sockpuppets.


  1. Tu n'est pas un troll internet à temps plein en règle . Seulement, je est un troll internet à temps plein en règle.

    Et maintenant il faut ouvrir une session sur un de mes autres téléphones mobiles et prendre des photos de moi-même pour mon institutrice favorite via SnapBavarde.

    Santé, copain.

  2. Je suis Frank - but at a price.

  3. Les pauvres "cartoonists" chez Charlie Hebdo ont pris le mauvais tigre par la queue, n'est-ce pas? Ils ont insulte les Chretiens, qui n'ont pas proteste, ils ont insulte les Juifs, les Hindoues, les Boudhistes peut-etre - on ne dit rien. Alors.....

    PS how do you get accents into blogger comments please?
    PPS if this comment is submitted twice BLAME GOOGLE!

  4. I already made my comment on Fr. Blake's blog having seen the utterly disgusting cartoons which "Charlie" published about God and His Church.
    I'm wondering if I should go to confession since I'm not one bit sorry that "Charlie" was shot dead. He and his fellow blasphemers asked for it.

  5. I'm looking forward to saying "Je suis Charlie" next time someone tells me to shut up about abortion.

  6. The single biggest surprise for me in all this business has been to discover how many otherwise apparently educated people have no idea how to construct a simple negative in French.

  7. Wynn, shouldn't there have been a few commas in that statement?

  8. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    There you go. Feel free to add them to your heart's content. (Let me know if you need further supplies.)