Catherine Pepinster interviews "Rhino", the last surviving Marx brother.
Page 3 of the Tablet has long come in for criticism by Catholics for its offensive nature, as indeed have most of the other pages. We remember that even the cryptic crossword was considered nasty. Clues such as:
1. Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8) (Answer: Benedict), and
2. They mix no metaphor where the world's leading Catholic Professor is based! (10) (Answer: Roehampton) caused distress to many.
Curiously, there is still a wine column by N. O'Phile: is this still written by the great Kieran Conry? Well, why not?
Wine, women and song!
So what will we continue to see on Page 3 of your soaraway Pill? Well, probably more turgid drivel from the likes of Catherine Pepinster, Elena Curti, Tina Beattie, Christopher Lamb, Timothy Radcliffe, etc. However, they have been persuaded to keep their clothes on.
Indeed, we are unlikely to see any Page 3 lovelies in the Tablet. So no topless photos of Voluptuous Vera from Leeds (77), a keen ACTA member and admirer of Bishop Stock. Thank goodness.
For those readers who wish to write their own Tablet articles, the way ahead is as follows:
1. Take a random comment by Pope Francis. This is easy as most of his comments are pretty random. But, for example, take his comment on women priests: "The Church has spoken and says no - that door is closed."
There are two doors to women's ordination at the rear of the plane...
2. Present this in Tabletese. Here is a suggestion:
IS FRANCIS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO WOMEN'S ORDINATION?
Pope Francis has indicated that only one flimsy obstacle remains in the issue of Equal Ordination in the Catholic Church. Speaking to reporters, the Pope made a coded reference to Jesus's "Knock and it will be opened unto you" when he said that the door was closed to women's ordination. It is clear that the Holy Father is now as anxious as we are to ordain women to the priesthood, or indeed to let any woman who wishes ordain herself.
3. Send it to Catherine Pepinster and wait for a fat cheque.
"This must be OK. The Tablet said so."