This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 23 January 2015

Offensive Page 3 to continue

After a few days in which it seemed that there would be no more offensive material on Page 3, the Tablet has indicated that it is reverting to its traditional layout. "If you did not have a Page 3 in last week's issue, then it was probably a printer's error," said a spokesman.

Pepinster and Marx

Catherine Pepinster interviews "Rhino", the last surviving Marx brother.

Page 3 of the Tablet has long come in for criticism by Catholics for its offensive nature, as indeed have most of the other pages. We remember that even the cryptic crossword was considered nasty. Clues such as:

1. Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8) (Answer: Benedict), and
2. They mix no metaphor where the world's leading Catholic Professor is based! (10) (Answer: Roehampton) caused distress to many.

Curiously, there is still a wine column by N. O'Phile: is this still written by the great Kieran Conry? Well, why not?

Kieran and wine

Wine, women and song!

So what will we continue to see on Page 3 of your soaraway Pill? Well, probably more turgid drivel from the likes of Catherine Pepinster, Elena Curti, Tina Beattie, Christopher Lamb, Timothy Radcliffe, etc. However, they have been persuaded to keep their clothes on.

Indeed, we are unlikely to see any Page 3 lovelies in the Tablet. So no topless photos of Voluptuous Vera from Leeds (77), a keen ACTA member and admirer of Bishop Stock. Thank goodness.

Old lady

Voluptuous Vera.

For those readers who wish to write their own Tablet articles, the way ahead is as follows:

1. Take a random comment by Pope Francis. This is easy as most of his comments are pretty random. But, for example, take his comment on women priests: "The Church has spoken and says no - that door is closed."

Pope on plane

There are two doors to women's ordination at the rear of the plane...

2. Present this in Tabletese. Here is a suggestion:


Pope Francis has indicated that only one flimsy obstacle remains in the issue of Equal Ordination in the Catholic Church. Speaking to reporters, the Pope made a coded reference to Jesus's "Knock and it will be opened unto you" when he said that the door was closed to women's ordination. It is clear that the Holy Father is now as anxious as we are to ordain women to the priesthood, or indeed to let any woman who wishes ordain herself.

3. Send it to Catherine Pepinster and wait for a fat cheque.

granny priest

"This must be OK. The Tablet said so."


  1. Dear Bruvver,

    My hear damn near stopped when reading your Point 2: That didn't even read like a pastiche. PLEASE don't give these people any ideas!

  2. To show "topless" women as the Tablet does is grotesque and disturbing. Beheaded females is sado-masochistic and could actually harm children who accidentally turn over the front page.

  3. With so few young presbyters left in the modern church, i.e., about 125 (Oops! 126), we need lots of women to replace them but preferable with tops, unlike in the Tablet.

  4. I find your tiresome squibs against The Tablet entirely juvenile and unrepresentative. Please understand that the majority of its readers are nourished in the faith by their weekly reading and are glad to call themselves Christians and members of the Calumny Chapel of Christ the Maitreya, bringer of the Age of Aquarius and Frith the Cosmic Rabit King.