Pope Francis has got a little list

It was time that someone set the Pope Francis book of insults to music, and it will now form part of Gilbert and Sullivan's latest opera, The Dictator, subtitled The Fourteenth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops.

Take it away, Holy Father!

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list – I've got a little list
Of the Catholics that we are trying to drive underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!

There's the creed-reciting parrot-Christians meaning what they say –
The fomenter of coprophagia - he has had his day –
The self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagian -
And airport bishops, who are quite authoritarian,
Museum mummies, and of course the fundamentalist –
They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS (Spadaro, Martin and Rosica): 
He’s got 'em on the list – he’s got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed.

"I'm sure they'll not be missed."

Mr and Mrs Whiner, and the others of their race -
And the old triumphalist - I’ve got him on the list!
And the existential tourist with a pickled-pepper face -
He never would be missed – he never would be missed!
Then the sloth-diseased acedic Christian - he'll be going soon,
The slaves of superficiality, the sourpuss priest-tycoon;
And the modern gnostics, rigid Christians, who are too polite -
The Christian bats who still prefer the shadows to the light!
And then the querulous and disillusioned pessimist –
I don’t think he'd be missed – I’m sure he'd not be missed!

CHORUS. He’s got him on the list – he’s got him on the list;
And I don’t think he'll be missed – I’m sure he'll not be missed!

"Buddy, can you spare a paradigm?"

And that type of leprous courtier, who just now is rather rife,
The restorationist – I’ve got him on the list!
Promoters of the poison of immanence, causing strife –
They'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed.
And those cardinals who know their faith, 
                                 but will not change their mind,
Such as – What d'ye call him – Raymond Thingy,
                                     and Walter -  Never-mind,
And then there's Gerhard What's-his-name, and Robert You-know-who –
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list – you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed – they'll none of 'em be missed!

"Let's go for a drink - I don't think we'll be missed."

Giving up the Pope for Lent

1. There was a young man called Eccles, who was known for his rigid humility and mercy: so much so that everyone said that he must be saved.

2. This Eccles wrote a lovely blog, which provided spiritual nourishment to all who read it.

N.B. The above verses do not appear in all versions of the Bible.

3. Now, the time of Lent was fast approaching, in which men were encouraged to give up wordly things, and to engage in spiritual deeds.

Into the wilderness for Lent.

4. "But what can I give up?" asked Eccles. "Shall it be chocolate? Or the strong drink that rageth? Or shall I stop sitting in my shed of an evening poking fun at Fr James Martin SJ?"

5. And there came a wise woman to Eccles who said to him, "Why not give up the Pope for Lent?"

6. This would indeed be a great sacrifice. For leading a life that ignored all the deeds of Pope Francis would cause all sorts of deprivation.

No longer shall we read of the Pope's attending Anglican services and genuflecting to Henry VIII.

7. "Where shall I be without a regular 'INSULT FOR THE DAY' arriving in my mailbox?" wondered Eccles.

8. "Can I possibly survive without knowing which Catholic doctrines have been made ambiguous, or without hearing the latest off-the-cuff pronouncements when the Holy Father rideth in his chariot of the air, that which is known as Pope Force 1?"

9. "Will it not grieve me to know not the latest indignities that have been heaped upon Cardinal Burke, who is fast becoming a rival to Job as a man of suffering?"

10. "It is true that I shall not miss the answers to the five dubia, for Pope Francis hath constructed a giant thinking machine called Deep Thought which will not report on this matter for another seven and a half million years."

The priests await Deep Thought's answers to the dubia.

11. "In my Eccsit from papal news, I shall also be obliged to spend forty days and forty nights without hearing aught of Fr Antonio Spadaro, of Austen Ivereigh, of Cardinals Kasper, Marx, Cupich, Coccopalmiero and the rest. Will I be able to bear it?"

12. "It is true that I cannot totally forget Pope Francis - for he hath asked us all to pray for the people that hate us. Thus everyone who attendeth Mass is encouraged to pray for the Pope - for nobody's hatred for us is like unto his!"

13 "Still, he is not commonly mentioned elsewhere in the Mass, except perchance in the homilies of Fr Arthur, in which there is a great scowling and rolling of eyes whenever the catchphrase Amoris Laetitia is uttered."

14. Thus Eccles weighed up the matter in his heart, and decided that passing Lent in a Pope-free manner would be good for his soul and his blood pressure.

15. He would also have more time for spiritually nourishing reading, such as the words of Michael Coren, he who later decided to eat them.

Still, there are other possibilities.

16. And so it came to pass that the Pope cried in the wilderness and Eccles heard him not.

New edition of the Bible announced

Pope Francis has announced that a new edition of the Bible is to be released, removing some of the more "rigid" books (e.g. the four gospels) and adding a few new ones. After all, the Bible was put together about 1500 years ago. It was reaffirmed by the Council of Trent in 1546, although at the time some liberals imbued with the "Spirit of Trent" tried to slip in a few extras that took their fancy. In any case, it isn't modern and up to date!

The New Non-Rigid Bible will have a loose-leaf format so that pages can be added and removed as doctrine develops.

Of course the Protestant denominations have their own versions of the canon: for example, the Church of England's attendance is usually much higher on days when the (very salacious) Memoirs of Henry VIII are used for the Gospel reading.

It is expected that Amoris Laetitia will be added as a book of the Non-Rigid Bible as part of the "Very New Testament" - and possibly renamed the Book of Francis - but since it does not claim to date from 1st Century times, Mgr Antonio Spadaro is cobbling together the less rigid bits of Matthew/Mark/Luke/John into a new Gospel according to St Eric (the little-known 5th evangelist who left the group before they became famous). Any claims that "St Eric" is merely a Spadarine sockpuppet will be angrily disputed.

An artist's impression of St Eric the Evangelist.

St Eric does give an account of some of Christ's teaching, but, as today's Gospel (Matthew 5:17-37) shows, there are "problem" parts where Christ was either misquoted or - according to Jesuit theology - simply got it wrong.

Do not imagine that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets.

We need to add a few sentences here to explain that, although the Law is still in existence, it is to be superseded by Mercy, Discernment, and generally feeling At Peace With God. So in practice it is like the law against cycling on the pavement, and hardly ever obeyed.

If a man calls [his brother] "Renegade" he will answer for it with hell fire..

We need to rewrite this section to give a list of permitted insults, as used by the Holy Father. So you are allowed to call your brother a "Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian" or a "Museum Mummy" or a "Pickled pepper-faced Christian" without feeling bad about it.

Teaching on adultery has always been a bit complicated.

Anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

There's a lot more on this subject that we really can't accept these days. Pope Francis didn't hold two Synods on the Family, and write a confused exhortation loosely based on what he would have liked them to agree on, just so that we would end up following St Matthew's Gospel! I think we just have to assume that Christ was misheard at this point, and actually said "No one" rather than "Anyone". Spadaro, fix this please!

All you need say is "Yes" if you mean yes, "No" if you mean no; anything more than this comes from the evil one.

Well, it was all right for Jesus. He didn't have the benefits of a Jesuit upbringing, and was quite used to answering binary questions without feeling obliged to obfuscate matters. Still, we can get round this one. The passage doesn't say you actually have to answer a question: so, if some rude people submit "dubia" to you, it is perfectly in order to pretend they never reached you, even if people plaster posters round your house and print fake newspapers on the subject. Just stick your fingers in your ears and say "La la la, I can't hear you!"

Of course fake newspapers (such as the Washington Post) should really be used for character assassinations of "rigid" cardinals.

This New Non-Rigid Bible still requires a lot of work, but should be in the shops for Christmas. Updates to its Catholic teaching will be provided every time Pope Francis takes an aeroplane trip.

A training course for new popes

Scene: the Vatican. Pope Francis is addressing a few selected younger cardinals. All the usual suspects are there: Schönbörn, Cupich, Farrell, Tagle, Marx, etc., but, surprisingly not Sarah, Burke or Pell. Francis speaks.

Welcome to the training course for new popes. Of course I fully expect to carry on for another 15 years, until I have totally rewritten the Ten Commandments and the Sermon on the Mount; however, accidents will happen, and I may have to retire to Avignon instead. Alternatively, Burke says that if he can find four doctors, he will have me sectioned.

So it seems best to prepare my likely successor (chosen from a list prepared by Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor of the St Gallen Mafia) so that he can hit the ground running and my legacy can be passed on to future generations. When I took over from Pope Benedict, I was given no training at all, because he considered that I was the least likely person to be elected (well, after Kasper); thus he refused to explain the job to me. Which may explain why my pontificate has been totally unlike any other.

"Perhaps you can give me a few tips, while we have our picnic?"

By the way, don't worry about Fr Spadaro, who you will see sitting in the corner making "Vroom, vroom" noises. He knows that I speak much more fluently when I am on an aeroplane, so he is trying to recreate the atmosphere for me.

Now, when you get up in the morning, it is always recommended to recite a little mantra to motivate yourself for the day's work. Some of the old-fashioned popes used to say things such as "Thy Will be done", but we've moved on since then and my favourite one is "I'm the pope, and I don't have to give reasons for any of my decisions." Sometimes I vary this by shouting "Exterminate! Exterminate!

Yes, my movie's called "The Last Temptation of Pope Francis".

Now, you will probably be daunted by all the Catholic teaching that has accumulated over the last few thousand years. The Bible, the deliberations of various Synods and Councils, encyclicals from previous popes, the Catechism of the Church... how can I possibly keep up with all this, you ask.

It's not necessary. As long as you regard my own humble offerings, such as Laudato Si', and (of course) Amoris Laetitia, as Holy Writ, then the rest can be binned.

Still, you don't want to be caught out too easily, so here is a copy of the Jesuit Guide to Obfuscation, or How to say "It's a nice day today" in such a way that nobody knows whether it's sunny or stormy. The only time you need to be completely clear about what you're saying is when you insult people - and apparently there are still 1 or 2 Catholics out there that I haven't yet got round to defaming.

The new edition of the Pope Francis book of insults (now with "rigidity" and "coprophilia") is invaluable.

Now, I want you to split up into small groups and discuss ways of making Cardinal Burke's life a misery. We'll assemble again in half an hour and try out some of the best suggestions.

The blogs that upset Father Rosica

Father Rosica, a long-time admirer of this blog, has identified for us some of the Catholic blogs that, in his opinion, have filled the internet with venom and vitriol (a Basilian expression meaning "they disagree with me, and they express their opinions without fudging them").

Fr Rosica - tipped to be the next James Bond as he tackles the evil BLOGGER.

"I was reading a blog called the Gospel of St Matthew," explained Fr Rosica, "and there was this most unpleasant contributor called John the Baptist. He was writing things like You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?, which you will agree turns the Bible into a cesspool of hatred!"

"There's another Person there, who says things like Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. That sounds like a direct attack on my Salt and Vinegar media empire!"

The Salt and Vinegar media Empire expands into corporal nourishment.

"Apart from the infamous St Matthew site, and the related Mark, Luke and John blogs, I also wish to mention a blogger called Paul," continued the salty cleric. "He has written a series of blog posts, called `Epistles', that show him up as an obsessed, scrupulous, self-appointed, nostalgia-hankering virtual guardian of faith and liturgical practices! (Yes, I admit it, Pope Francis lent me his thesaurus, so that I could dig out more insults for ordinary Catholics...)"

"There's a particularly nasty blog called '1 Corinthians', where he lists people who will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners. I shall advise my friends to respond in the most Christian way possible, by consulting their solicitors!"

"Nor liberal Catholics, nor Tablet-readers, nor Jesuits, nor Professors at Roehampton, ..."

No wonder the good Father Rosica is cross...

Piers Morgan elected Pope

A startling prediction by the pundit Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan (I didn't make that up), commonly known as Piers Morgan, that he would be elected pope in August - see below - has come to pass. England has won the Ashes, and Pope Francis has bowed to the inevitable and resigned. The alleged alternatives, to have the papal phone hacked, to see invasive photos of himself in the American edition of the Daily Mail (Ed. P. Morgan), or to read headlines such as "SURRENDER! FOR YOU JORGE BELGRANO DA PONTIFICATE IS OVER!" were too much.

The secrets of Fat-head. Mystic Morgan foretells the future.

For those Catholics disgruntled with some aspects of Pope Francis's reign, we can assure them that Pope Piers will be far worse. The forthcoming Synod on the Family will be replaced by a special series of Vatican's Got Talent featuring acts from all the leading clergy, with the winner being allowed to decide the question of Catholic doctrine on marriage and the family. Already, certain cardinals are practising their acts.

Walter Kasper performs "I'm singing in the rain".

It is also expected that Pope Piers will also take direct control of the Vatican Bank, using his undeniable gift for prophecy to make infallible purchases of shares that are will then increase in value. A special encyclical "QUOMODO PECUNIA TUA SALVATA SIT" ("How your money may be saved") will give financial advice to the faithful.

"You are in my power." Reinhard Marx with his hypnotism act.

One thing that will not change is the papal habit of insulting people. Pope Francis is well known for this, and Pope Piers will maintain the tradition. However, it is feared that the new papal vocabulary will not match the subtleties of expressions such as "self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian", and be more of the nature of playground insults such as "idiot". A pity, really.

"Not like that, like that!" William Levada does his Tommy Cooper impersonation.

How can I make my sermons less boring?

A week or two ago, Pope Francis ordained nineteen new priests, telling them to feed the people of God with heartfelt homilies rather than boring sermons. Since then, many priests have contacted me, asking "How can I make my sermons less boring?"

"So I told him, 'I will not dance with you for three reasons. First because you are drunk, second because that music is not a dance but our national anthem, and third because I am the cardinal-archbishop of Buenos Aires.'"

Certainly many sermons are boring, but here are a few ways to make them less so, based on observation of the Holy Father himself:

1. Say something so confusing that nobody knows what you really mean. People will ask themselves, "Did he really say that we should all try and commit a few extra sins today?"

2. Insult your congregation. Call them "Sloth-diseased, acedic Christians!" or ""Querulous and disillusioned pessimists!" or the old favourite, ""Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagians!" There is a useful list of insults here.

3. Make an off-colour joke about mothers-in-law, or perhaps women in general. Try to avoid jokes about ethnic minorities, homosexuals or the disabled, as there are limits to what even a priest can get away with.

This is going to end badly, Deacon.

Apart from that, here are few tips about keeping your audience's attention. Start with something arresting, preferably about SEX, as this is a subject that occupies most people's minds most of the time.

POOR: "I think the sex life of the rhubarb plant is really fascinating."

WEAK, BUT BETTER: "The sex life of the three-toed sloth is one that carries a powerful message to Christians."

BETTER STILL: "You may have seen a recent television programme in which Professor Dairymaid McCauliflower told us that nobody ever had sex until the Reformation."

BEST, BUT A BIT PERSONAL. "The sex life of Sally Bercow is really fascinating."

We are not sure what is happening here.

Apart from sex, other subjects that your audience can identify with include football (for some), pop music (but try not to describe Elton John as a "promising youngster"), and what was on television last night.

You may also want a gimmick tailored to the subject of your sermon. If your subject is "I am the vine", then bring a vine in with you and wave it, just in case your audience has never seen one. If it's "Money is the root of all evil", tear a five-pound note in half (you can still use it afterwards), to symbolize your rejection of the material.

Kate Bottle (Anglican) explains the Miracle at Cana.

Anyway, you get the picture. Avoid all mention of dead people, such as Aquinas, Luther or Newman. Only very clever people have heard of them, and it violates the last and most important rule of sermon-giving, or public-speaking in general: WHEN IN DOUBT, DUMB DOWN.

Sponsor a tweet from Richard Dawkins

Professor Dawkins today announced a new opportunity to support his Dawkins Foundation by sponsoring an aggressive, offensive, insulting, or simply plain dumb tweet. Said the charming professor: "Everyone is so STUPID! They ignore all my learned books on theology, preferring to read my 140-character aphorisms on Twitter. Well this isn't paying the bills, so from now on you numbskulls have the opportunity to sponsor my ranting."

Rational scientists often wear toilet seats round their necks.

Of course the insults and invective available must be compatible with the SHARIAR (secular-hateful-atheist-rationalist-I'm-always-right) principles of Professor Dawkins. Thus, Richard will not simply tweet "Eccles's Auntie Moly is crazy" but for a fee of £10,000 he may tweet "Crazy people, like Eccles's Auntie Moly, should be killed off. It's LOGIC!"

If you have an ugly child, the moral solution is to dump it and try again. © RD.

Preference will be given to tweets that mock the weak and helpless, such as disabled people or victims of sexual assault, and of course religion of any kind except atheism - preferably Islam or Catholicism.

Religious? Young? Pregnant? Disabled? Richard is waiting to insult you!

Do please take advantage of this special offer. We all want to see a world governed entirely by logic and rationalism, in which human feelings and emotions are understood simply in terms of chemical activity. Now you can buy professionally-composed invective while helping to support Richard Dawkins in his declining years. (Hmm... is it logical to do that? I'll come back to you on that one.)

Catholics: mentally ill people engaged in child abuse/indoctrination. © RD.

As part of the offer, Richard will write another tweet the next day, free of charge, clarifying what he said in your sponsored tweet and "apologising" because the whole world was too stupid to understand the remorseless logic of his arguments.

The Pope takes a plane

On behalf of Pilot Pontius and his crew we'd like to welcome you all to our flight from Tel Aviv to Rome. Please take your places as soon as possible, and fasten your seat belts. Place all personal items either in the luggage racks or under the seat in front of you.

I'm hoping my briefcase will fit under the seat in front of me.

For those Anglican priests travelling with us as observers, please be aware that you are not allowed to have 39 articles with you in the cabin, and 38 of them will be placed in the hold.

Once we have taken off and the captain has switched off the seat-belt sign, the Pope will be coming round with a selection of off-the-cuff remarks and brand new dogmas. Today we have some confusing comments about priestly celibacy and remarried divorcees; unfortunately the Pius XII beatification kit is still unavailable, and frankly, barring a miracle, we don't expect to see it soon.

The Pope's "clean-up" campaign starts here.

We're now ready for the safety demonstration. In case of a mighty rushing wind and tongues of fire, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. In case of landing on water, there is an inflatable chasuble under your seat, although some passengers may prefer to dispense with this and walk on the water instead.

"It's not by Rolf Harris, is it?"

---

There has been some debate on the nature and meaning of the Pope's reference to his own gestures, whether spontaneous or pre-planned, authentic or inauthentic. It is hoped that the author of the Pope Francis Little Book of Insults will soon delight us with the Pope Francis Little Book of Gestures.

Learn how to tell this...

... from this!