This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Jesus holds a Synod

Biblical accounts are a little sketchy about this event, but we have found a little-known contemporary document, the Gospel according to St Blase, which tells of the Synod conducted by Our Lord shortly before He sent His disciples out into the world.

George and Cupich

"I'm expecting my successor to die in prison," said Cardinal George to his successor.

According to the Gospel of St Blase, Jesus concluded His moral teaching by saying to His disciples, "Now, of course these are only rough guidelines, and I'm really expecting you to make up your own teachings, as you go forth to preach the Good News. Apostle Judas will provide a 'relatio' to report on your discussions."

"You see, when I told Peter that we were founding a Church, I forgot to mention that it would be synodal in structure. So when the Day of Judgement comes, make sure you bring your passports with you, as the very definitions of Good and Evil will depend on where you came from."

"You, St Matthias, now sitting on the reserve bench, will have the easiest task, as you will be sent to Germany. There you will find that the very notion of sin has been abolished, and all will go to Heaven."

reserved sun-lounger

A vision of Heaven - but the Germans have got there first.

St Blase went on to tell how the apostles agreed to abandon notions of confession, repentance, judgement, or absolution, and replace them with a simple soul-searching test that all must pass when attending church. There was to be a simple liturgy at the beginning of every Mass, along the following lines:

PRIEST: How do you feel?

CONGREGATION: We feel great!

PRIEST: And so do I. Let's party!

Those whose consciences are troubling them, e.g. because they have left the gas on, robbed a bank, or murdered someone, shouldn't worry. After all, we're only human - I do the same sort of thing myself!

Cupich and empty church

St Blase wonders why nobody turned up to the party.


  1. He is an enemy of Christ. St Blaise would've had him banished.

  2. Any chance of giving this, er, gentleman a free transfer to the Anglicans?

    No, forget that. We'll not only PAY them to take him but they can also name their price. (Cantabrian Justin used to be a banker so I'm sure he'll cut a reasonable deal .......won't he?)

  3. Replies
    1. Third Division, if I'm not mistaken.

    2. You're quite right (unlike Blase). Mixed up my Cantabria with, well, whatever I thought was the Latin name for Canterbury.

      Anyway, I'll try again..

      I see His Grace is the Archbishop of Chicago. Perhaps now would be a good time to change its nickname to the ILL Wind-y city.

  4. One couldn't make this up.

    Could one ?

  5. May I guess at Cantabriensis as the Latin for Canterbury?
    Well, York is Eboriensis isn't it?

  6. Replies
    1. Cantuariensis is the term you seek - hence Justin's abbreviation is Cantuar. Not to be confused with Centaur which is a monstrous hybrid of man and beast. Honestly - I think Eccles' speling may be catching.

    2. Yes, I'm sure that you are right Jadis.
      Cantabriensis is Cambridge not Canterbury.

    3. All I know is that the Archbishop of Canterbury gets funny looks when he signs a hotel register as Justin Cantuar and his wife signs as Mrs Welby.

    4. Cambridge is Cantabrigiensis.

  7. Mrs W always packs him a spare pair of undercrackers - just in case.