This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 30 April 2016

The legend of Telegraph Blogs

From the Daily Telepath, April 3016.

It is strange to think that 1000 years ago mankind was unable to communicate by instant telepathy, as we do today. Historians tells us that there were miserable people who sat in front of boxes containing electronic equipment, laboriously typing their thoughts into something called "blogs", which were then read by other sad people, also sitting at (or at least holding) boxes. (Less "progressive" people read "newspapers", which were apparently produced by cutting down "trees" - a form of life that became extinct in the 27th century - and writing on them.)

The tradition is that the readers would then "comment" on the blogs: this was generally done by means of trading insults or (in the case of one commentator known only as "On The Side Of The Angels", but believed to be the then archbishop of Corby) writing incoherent essays, longer than the original article, on a vaguely related subject.

However, recent excavations at the remains of "London", the primitive city now known as Corbyngrad, have revealed a "cache" of "Telegraph blogs", which our ancestors tried to suppress in 2016.

Damian header

There is evidence that this man was worshipped as a god.

Looking at the writings of the Telegraph blogs' supreme being, Damian Thompson, we see some of the questions that concerned our distant ancestors. Religion was one such issue: these were the days of Pope St Francis I, who was not universally loved. He was to be succeeded by Pope Francis II, our own Vincent Nichols, who introduced "gay" masses and the writings of Mother Tina of Roehampton into the Vatican. Nichols is also mentioned in the blogs, although not in respectful terms.

Pope Francis

Francis I, later the first Dalai Pope.

Now, for us who live in the reign of Pope Richard XIX, it is odd to think that the saint after whom he is named, St Richard Dawkins, was in in those days a fierce atheist. However, Damian, whose prophecies were invariably correct, foresaw Richard's conversion and eventual canonization.

Dawkins before conversion

St Richard, in his "unsaved" days.

In those days something called "politics" was a matter of great interest. Nowadays, of course we are looked after by a benevolent Big Brother, who reigns in Brussels, chosen by a computer that telepathically reads our minds and finds the most suitable candidate. However, in those days the leaders were selected by voting. One such person, who disappeared mysteriously in the summer of 2016, was known as "Dave". For reasons that our analysts are still trying to discover, the big political issue of 2014 - according to Damian - was whether Dave consumed too much custard.

David Cameron

Dave, who disappeared mysteriously in 2016.

It is fascinating to learn of 21st-century culture from the blogs of Damian Thompson - cupcakes obviously played an important part in the everyday life of 21st-century Britain, as did the music of Gladys Mills (believed to have been a teacher of the great Stephen Hough) and the dramatic efforts of Dame Noele Gordon, a Shakespearean actress known for performing the play "Crossroads" which has not survived to the present day.

orange juice

Damian foresaw that orange juice would kill millions in 2025.

We are still investigating the Telegraph Blogs find, and attempting to make sense of it. For example, there was also a writer called James Delingpole who warned of climate change just 10 years before the New Ice Age began and Scotland was destroyed by glaciers (this seems to have gone largely unnoticed at the time). Also a man called Dan Hodges the Hermit, who was ridiculed for his always-wrong prophecies. Odone the Odd One, Lean the Fathead... yes, archaeologists, historians and psychiatrists will be investigating this find for years to come!

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