This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 29 April 2016

Dear Polish bishops...

Oh look, your Eminence, we've been sent a letter written in green ink. It's addressed to "The male chauvinist pig bishops of Poland, c/o Cardinal Kazimierz Nycz, Warsaw, Poland, near Germany, Europe, The Earth, The Solar System, The Universe, Space the Final Frontier."

letter in green ink

How the letter starts.

It seems to be signed by 97 concerned Catholic theologians, although some of the signatures are illegible, and some just say "X, Her Mark". They want us to withdraw our opposition to abortion.

There are some people I've heard of - look, a Professor Tina Beastie of Roehampton seems to be involved. You know what they say: Roehampton locuta est, causa finita est. It's going to be hard to stick to orthodox Catholic teaching if Roehampton's finest are against it.

Apparently, these people claim to be pro-life.

Massace of the Innocents

Herod was pro-life, since he only killed people under 2 years of age.

Any other names we recognise?

Well, there's a Professor of Moral Theology from Notre Dame. You know, the place that honoured Joe Biden recently. Could that be a misprint for "Immoral Theosophy"?

There's one here who simply describes herself as Maureen Crank, full-time troll, Altrincham. I think - it's hard to read the writing. Then there's a "hermit", writing from "5th cave from the left, Hans Küng Park, Nottingham".

Cardinal Nycz

"We must take these people very seriously," says Cardinal Nycz.

Ah yes, theologians, paediatricians, art historians, business trainers, the Editor in Chief of Spam magazine, ... oh we definitely have to consider overturning Catholic teaching when such people write to us.

The real danger is that some of these ghastly people may come and visit. We'd better let Fido out into the grounds in case this Beastie woman tries to drop in.




  1. Parlez-vous Beattie? Let me translate…

    We, the undersigned, are Catholics who respect the Church’s moral stance against abortion [Ah, bless! The Church still stands for all that old stuff. Good for them!]
    However, we also acknowledge that sometimes women and girls face agonizing decisions [so they can’t be blamed for ignoring Church teaching, okay?]
    Primacy of conscience [ditto]
    Vatican II [The “Spirit of Vatican II”= anything goes]
    We are concerned that even under existing law, fear of prosecution might prevent doctors from being all compassionate and stuff, like in Casualty [Vera Drake]
    Mary was free in deciding whether or not to conceive a child. Many women and girls do not enjoy such freedom. [Sob! Get the violins out]
    Many Polish citizens, including many practising Catholics, have expressed outrage [see, it’s a Movement, you medieval relics!]
    Call to mercy and compassion which Pope Francis insists must be at the heart of the Gospel message [the Pope’s on our side, we’re the good guys].
    Respect women’s human dignity and freedom of conscience with regard to reproductive decisions, by guaranteeing access to reliable methods of birth control [I think you can do the math here].
    We thank you for taking the time to read this. [listen to our shrill wimmins voices or else!]

    I wonder why Tina Beattie is interesting herself in Poland’s internal politics?
    Ah, now I see. I guess we’ve all learned something today, then.

  2. The question remains, how do you polish a Bishop when so many of them are decidedly unpolished?

  3. Cardinal Nice would be a nice pope for a nice church with nice people.

  4. That lady really should not describe herself as a Catholic. Disgrace.