This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Pope forces Dalai Lama to resign

After his brilliant triumph in bluffing Fra' Matthew Festing, the Grandmaster of the Knight of Malta, into resigning (in spite of the fact that he actually has no jurisdiction over the Order of Malta), Pope Francis has decided to "go nuclear" and force some further resignations.

(Incidentally, we can reveal exclusively that, seeing the clownish antics of Maltese Bishops Scicluna and Grech, one of the pope's advisers rushed in to see him, saying "The fools! They've given the game away!" Owing to a clerical error, Pope Francis got tough with the "wrong" Malta, and poor Fra' Festing was the unhappy victim.)

Pope Francis and Matthew Festing

In the end, the plan to settle things by Sumo wrestling came to nothing.

"So who else can we push over the edge?" asked Francis of his advisers. They soon came up with a list.

1. The Dalai Lama. It is very doubtful whether the pope has any authority in this case either, but the man is a definite rival. He really is humble and benevolent, and his platitudes are better than the pope's. Of course that would involve the appointment of a new Dalai Lama, but there is one obvious person, with a long experience of writing banalities: Bryony Gordon of the Dalai Telegraph!

2. Kim Jong-un must go. Francis has long pledged to reform the North Curia (memo, check spelling), and Kim is one of the few people who treats dissidents even more ruthlessly than Francis does. To take over this hereditary position, it was advisable to choose someone from the Kim family, so Kim Kar-dashian was the obvious choice.

Kim Kardashian

The new woman in North Curia.

3. "I'm the pope and everything Catholic is under my direct command," says Francis, and so all people running organizations described as "Catholic" are expecting a rude phone call at 4 a.m. This includes Catholic Voices, the Catholic Herald, CAFOD, and (the pope's strong Argentinian accent may be responsible for this last one). It does not include the National Catholic Reporter, where the "Catholic" is well known to be an honorific title unrelated to its real activities.

the two Ronnies

Austen Ivereigh (seen here with Fr Rosica), may get a new job making cattle grids.

4. Last, but not least, Donald Trump is under threat from the pope. Although the USA is not under papal jurisdiction, some of the pope's best friends, such as Fr James Martin SJ, are still in shock that dear Hillary Clinton was so rudely rejected by the electorate. The prospect of Fr Jim taking part in a Women's March in Rome, dressed as a lady's naughty bits, has so horrified the Holy Father that he will do almost anything to prevent this from happening.

BREAKING: a compromise has been found, whereby Fra' Matthew Festing will go quietly, but only if Pope Francis does too. Since neither of them has the right to sack the other, this seems to be the fairest solution.


  1. Rumor has it that Festing will become a monk of the Franciscan Order...Continuing his life in penitential mode.

  2. Congratulations to Pope Francis for making the Catholic Church and faith every bit as horrible as Protestants always said it was.

  3. "Fra' Matthew Festing will go quietly, but only if Pope Francis does too."
    Like in the SciFi movie where a bald Caitlyn Jenner jumps into an inferno to save all of humankind?
    Reminds me of that old Betty Hutton song, "He Says Martyr, He Says"
    (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

  4. Wonderful post! My first real laugh of the week!!
    I used to enjoy 'maltesers', but these two Bishops have quite put me off.

  5. O Joy, Oh Rapture, Unforseen
    For now the sky is all serene,
    The god of day, the orb of love,
    Has hung his ensign high above,
    The sky is all ablaze

    I must apologise to Gilbert O'Sullivan
    I've forgotten the rest of it but the possibility that pope Francis will go quietly if Fra Festing does, just caused me to burst into long forgotten song.
    Those were the days!

  6. It was in a personal audience where Francis deposed the Dalai Lama, albeit from his kingdom in exile. "Ad orientum, ad orientum - it is you not I who must turn your back to my people and face to the East. To guide you in your journey, I give you four loyal and trustworthy servants, whose service I no longer require. Moved into submission to this man of authority, the Dalai Lama remained no longer in India and indeed hoofed it Eastward, in spite of declarations from the Central Commune that Chinese government will use the issue of the Dalai Lama's succession to split Tibetan Buddhism, with one new Dalai Lama named by exiles and one by the government after his death.

    Before leaving India, he gave one last press conference.
    "Q. And will you soon be going to China?
    A. Francis has told me: wait until they send you an invitation. They know that. Besides, in China, the temples are packed. In China they can worship freely."