This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

World leaders come to the aid of the Vatican

Mahmoud Abbas of Palestine and Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel have led the world in offering a reassuring hand to the Vatican, as the storm-clouds of war gather over it. A climate of fear threatens Rome, but the politicians' joint message to Pope Francis is the need for the Catholic Church to make peace in this time of turbulence.

Apologies for the clichéd prose style - I'm hoping for a job with Crux.

Reports have come in that other world leaders hoping for Nobel Peace Prizes - Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Bashar al-Assad - even Meryl Streep - are also offering to intervene before the pope "goes nuclear".

Cardinal Müller on a horse

Cardinal Müller (R) - found his horse's head in his bed.

Latest reports indicate that Cardinal Müller, prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, has been made an offer he couldn't refuse. After originally offering to help the pope with those five terribly difficult dubia questions, he has now done what is known in theological circles as a "reverse ferret" and claimed that Amoris Laetitia is “very clear” in its teaching, everyone understands what it means, no need to ask the pope any questions, move along there please, ...

Said Syria's Bashar al-Assad, "Our intelligence reports indicated that Pope Francis has been stockpiling Sarin nerve gas, and is prepared to use it on the four cardinals (and indeed their numerous supporters). As a humanitarian I want to make sure we never get to that stage."

Pope and aeroplane

Wacko, chaps! Off to blitz the jolly old dissidents!

Vladimir Putin added, "Owing to a misunderstanding of how the Order of Malta functions, it appears that the Vatican is planning a major invasion of Malta, led by Generalissimo Spadaro of the pope's own Wormtongue Division (the 'old innumerates'). We want to bring the parties involved back to the conference table, to see whether the 'von Boeselager affair' can be settled without bloodshed."


The Vatican's Doomsday Clock approaches midnight.


  1. "led by Generalissimo Spadaro of the pope's own
    Wormtongue Division (the 'old innumerates')."

    Coffee + Keyboard = You'll be hearing from my lawyer

  2. "How many Divisions does The Pope have ?"

  3. He has divisions about a lot of topics:
    - Vatican II
    - Missa ad orientem
    - whether Catholicism is any different from communism
    - whether Amoris Laetitia margin notes are dictated from the Holy Spirit
    - whether the pectoral cross is hidden or rather molten and repurposed should a Jewish lad be near
    - whether Scalfari was given the 4 5 6 and 7th secrets of Fatima and why the hell he's sold all his stock, bought a shelter, and started learning chinese.
    - whether 2 + 2 = 5
    and so on...

    1. Update> Knights of Malta divisions getting very very restless.

  4. I felt like writing jokes about 'How to make a Maltese Cross,' and 'Maltesers' ... but you'd only laugh at them

  5. The Pope has 11 legions of fallen angels led by Exterminans.They are ready for action,but nobody understands the general since he speaks only latin,greek and hebrew.The legions speak only argentinian...

  6. John S: How DO you make a Maltese Cross? (Take away his hat?)
    Sorry, but you started it.

    1. Step on his foot. Although I always reply 'by asking that question!'
      I am Maltese...

  7. How Many divisions has the pope caused?