So our four contestants are Cardinal Burke, Cardinal Coccopalmiero, Cardinal Napier and Cardinal Schönborn. Your task was to sell the new wonder cleaner Amoris Laetitia. Trials in Argentina, Malta and Germany suggested that it could remove all feelings of guilt by converting those nasty lurking sins into something sweet-smelling. Now, you four contestants, you actually didn't manage to sell the product at all, so what are your explanations?
Burke. I'm afraid I had some reservations about this product, and I even sent you some questions about it. However, you never answered, and so I couldn't find any convincing reasons for people to adopt AL.
Francis. We ask the questions! You're fired! Go to Guam, wherever that may be.
"In order to avoid committing adultery, it is sometimes necessary to commit adultery. But AL will remove the guilt."
Coccopalmiero. Well I wrote an advertising pamphlet for AL, with the slogan. If you can't help having sex, then protect yourself with Amoris Laetitia. This didn't seem to work, and anyway I forgot to turn up for the press conference.
Francis.You're fired, too! Buzz off, you stupidly-named idiot!
Napier. My marketing strategy was to Tweet a blizzard of quotations from AL, in the hope of making people feel good about it.
If you're in a loving relationship, then remember that candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker! (AL 1043).
In a marriage, two's company, but three's a crowd. However, after a period of discernment, you may discover that three is also company. (AL 6666).
Roses are red, violets are blue. The Pope is infallible, unlike you. (AL 9745832).
Francis. A good try, but no good. You're fired too.
"Receive a free balloon with every can of AL!"
Schöbörn. I went for the slogan. Swallow Amoris Laetitia! It's Magisterial! You told me that this would work. But it didn't.
Francis. Remember, that if things are successful, I take the credit, and if they're not, you take the blame!
Well, it seems that YOU'RE ALL FIRED. I'd better start appointing some more cardinals.