From luigi@gammarelli.com
Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father, given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.
Pope Francis displays his new vestments.
From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk
Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what! If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.
Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!
From festing@maltese.double-cross.org
You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.
Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.
From spadaro@vatican.com
Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)
From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org
Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!
Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.
From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org
Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin' before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.
From mueller@vatican.com
Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk. Gerhard.
I salute a new word - I simply cannot understand how the English speaking world could manage to describe our time without it, these last three-four years...
ReplyDeleteMignon
Oh dear Lord, we can only pray he will be showing up at the gates of Dunpopin very, very soon! I pray continually...
ReplyDeleteInspired! :'D Eccileaks!!! Oh the dear Pope - rather naughty about Malta - but you are cruel! Raising a glass to all lovely Jesuits :P
ReplyDeleteclientrelations@mckinsey.co
ReplyDeleteDear client, our recent polls indicate you're losing credibility and the number of followers/admirers is decreasing rapidly.
Our management team suggests you organize for you one of the following to improve your ratios:
- a football match with famous football players
- a visit to a 3rd world country to display your mercy and generosity towards those in need
- Inviting Card. Burke and Fra. Festing for tea. Make sure the press is there to record how good you all get along.
- answering the 5 questions they asked you with no, yes, yes, yes, yes
If none of these work, we advice you consider following your predecessor, and let someone else run the company.
Sincerelly,
P. Marks, MA
Fabulous :) BoJo's email was definitely my favourite.
ReplyDelete