This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 2 December 2019

Pope says that sad people are not Christians

Pope Francis has declared that sad people are not Christians, so let's all be cheerful, guys, and we'll be saved!

Someone (I can't remember who), once said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Still, the Holy Father knows best in these matters, and from now on it's laughter all the way!

Pope scowling

The Pope is giving a happy smile, but you may be too sinful to see it.

Some readers will recall that the recent Amazon synod featured some notorious wooden idols, but we can now reveal that they were delivered by mistake. In fact the Vatican had ordered statues of the famous Pollyanna, patron saint of unjustifiable optimism, but... you know... administrative errors... It seemed best to carry on and hope that nobody noticed.

All readers still happy? Got a jolly grin on your face? Excellent!

Dolan laughing

Probably the most Christian person of all.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, requiem masses. It won't do, you know. When people die, we should be happy because they are guaranteed to go to Heaven (unless they have committed some very grave sin, such as turning on the central heating in winter). So, no more of this rigid unChristian "Requiem eternam" stuff, please, and let's all burst out into a chorus of "Happy days are here again!"

Pope Francis's top adviser, Fr James Martin, concurs. "Everyone should be gay!" he says - and you can't get much more authoritative than that!

McCarrick and cronies

Another group of saintly Christians.

Austen Ivereigh also backs the Pope. "Every time I show people my new book on Pope Francis, they burst out laughing!" he says. "I feel that my writing is bringing more people to Christ."

So there you have it. From now on, it's laughter all the way. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, ho, tee hee, tee hee, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle," as the new hymn by Dan Schutte has it.

Santa Claus

Ho ho ho! St Nicholas shows the way.


  1. So then it's "Jingle Bells" for Midnight Mass?

  2. It is all very well telling people to be cheerful but I find that the entire scenario in the Church is now beyond a joke.


  3. "My soul, he said, is ready to die with sorrow; do you abide here, and watch with me." Matthew 26:38

    "Jesus wept." John 11:35

    Of course there is such a thing as hysterical laughter.

  4. I wonder if he thinks that Our Lady of Sorrows is a Christian? Hmmmmm....

  5. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands - you're holy!

  6. Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.

  7. Yeah, Dolan. That guy seems to have modeled himself on the jolly fat man toy that entertains Tiny Tim in the movie 'A Christmas Carol'.

  8. Seriously folks, laughter is a serious business.
    Laughter isn't just funny business anymore.

  9. " hymn by Dan Schutte has it". Another great line, Eccles!

  10. Hilarious as ever, Bruvver.

    Francis said nonsense like this a few years ago at a time in my life when I wasn't very happy for a number of reasons, and that was when I started to feel like I'd be rejected by my own Pope... That's if he's the Pope at all which I don't think he possibly could be.