This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 21 December 2019

How to worship a life-jacket

We continue our series on "How to be a good Pope" with more advice for any of our readers who may at some stage be invited to give spiritual leadership to millions around the world.

Today, it's life-jackets (or life-vests, if you prefer). For years you have been riding round the world in aeroplanes, telling the other passengers (who simply wanted you to shut up so that they could watch the in-flight movie) the truth about sin and redemption climate change and plastic straws.

You became jealous of the flight attendants who got to demonstrate the oxygen masks and life jackets. After all, nobody questions their teaching - there are no flight attendants sending in dubia to ask whether the masks should provide laughing gas instead, or the life jackets be made of lead. But when you speak out, every word is analysed and intepreted in different ways.

Pope blessing life-jacket

Praise to the holy life-jacket!

Your scheme to replace the Virgin Mary with Pachamama didn't go down too well, and indeed your idols were thrown into the Tiber (without life-jackets). But replacing Christ on the Cross with a life-jacket is going to be a real winner!

Curiously, Christ is one of the few people in history who would never have needed a life-jacket, as He could walk on water; but that is purely coincidental.

Now, some critics might call you a "loony" for distorting an instantly-recognisable symbol of your faith in this way. So, make up a cover story, something about migrants drowning, if you like. It's currently Catholic teaching that this is a bad thing - although the precedent of Jonah suggests that perhaps the answer to the problem is to fill the Mediterranean with giant fish - so anyone who criticises the elevation of the blessed life-jacket "Jacketamama" to the Cross is obviously a complete fascist who likes nothing more than drowning his fellow men.

This scheme should be a winner, and it will keep people's attention occupied while you smuggle out an apostolic exhortation telling people what you wish the Amazon Synod had decided.

walking on water

O Peter! I told you to put on a life-jacket!


  1. Any chance he might water down this new teaching?

  2. The Holy Beach Ball of a few years ago indeed rivals the Holy Life jacket in anti-papal stupidity.

  3. LOL! I sea water you did there, Chestertonian! 😉

    If pachamama stands for “Mother Earth”,
    I’m guessing that (Life)JacketPapaCross is supposed to stand for “Papa Wawa” or “Papa Water”!

    So far, it seems he has the Earth & Water/Sea covered. Wow!
    Let me see... Pagan religions seem to like stuff like Earth, Wind, Fire, Water,...

    Now, I wonder what or whom will represent the BIG WIND!?! I have a suggestion!!!

    As far as the Fire, I doubt it’s considered proper or ‘in vogue’ anymore at the New/NU Vatican to use actual Catholic representatives of Fire, like the Holy Spirit, I’m guessing they’ll just use the ol’ hothead from H-E-double toothpicks(II) to represent FIRE for their New/NU Pagan FakeCatholic “Religion”!

  4. Where is the cross for the persecuted Chinese Catholics?

    1. never mind. It would have a wrecking ball.

  5. Dear Eccles.

    Reference the Vatican Chie . . . (glub, glub, glub, glub . . .)

  6. Mayday --The Vati-Titanic was steaming full-speed ahead through troubled waters. Capt. Ice-Berg was off-course, the helmsman taking the wheel was just following orders, the lookout in the crow’s nest forgot his binoculars, ice-Berg warnings were ignored, and the radioman was distracted. What could possibly go wrong?

    The eyes of the world were upon Vati-Titanic’s race to set a new world record for breaking with Sacred Scripture & Tradition. In a pre-launch BBC interview Capt. Ice-Berg had boasted:
    It is not to be excluded that I may enter history as the one who split Vati-Titanic in two.
    Of course, my unsinkable ship will remain afloat, albeit listing heavily to port.

    After these arrogant, ominous words, a great shudder ran through the world.
    Now tonight, somewhere in the North Atlantic…Full speed ahead! Another great shudder ran from bow to rudder. A crewman hurried to find & inform the captain: We’ve struck a really big ice-Berg! The captain placated him: To capsize is unthinkable. I am unsinkable.

    The First Mate stared at the captain; then turning to the faithful crew he told them:
    Capt. Ice-Berg has gone over the heretical edge. He excommunicated himself & all his cardinals via Morse Code and is now nailing Life-Jacketa-mama’s colors to the mast. Man the lifeboats!

    Later that night… The saved crew sat stunned and shivering in their lifeboats as they watched Vati-Titanic slowly sink below the surface. All seemed hopeless. Suddenly the darkness was dispersed as the sun shot to its apex, instantly drying and warming the people.

    The prophetic vision of St. John Bosco came alive. A miracle of strength and beauty appeared on the horizon sailing serenely toward them on a silvery sea. The majestic ship was flying the royal flag of HMS Barque of Peter. The truly unsinkable ship.
    St. Peter held the wheel, steering straight between two great pillars. One pillar bore the image of Sancta Maria Regina Coeli. The other pillar bore the image of Corpus Domini Jesu Christi.

    Haltingly at first, then with increasing fervor the survivors sang with one joyful voice:
    Holy God we praise Thy Name
    Lord of all we bow before Thee
    All on Earth Thy scepter claim
    All in Heaven above adore Thee
    Infinite Thy vast domain, Everlasting is Thy reign
    Infinite thy vast domain, Everlasting is Thy reign

  7. the title to this post led me to expect you were going to give us the ritual and the rubrics for it. I am disappointed. Any chance of a second post?

  8. The "woke" 21st Century crucifix shall bear a Pachamama to the right, a Sovieticrux to the hard left, a Halal lifejacket in the centre, a Hijab at the crown, and the foot shall be trampling down upon a sea of Christian Martyrs and Prophets, Visionaries and Saints.

    And anyone who rejects it shall be condemned to one million years in purgatory, in celebration of the reasonable hope that all men are saved (™ & © Bishop Barron, given that Cardinal Von Balthasar himself firmly rejected the proposal in his study of it).