Pope Francis slaps down Fr James Martin LGBTSJ

No, he probably didn't. Conservative and liberal Catholics united today to explain that reports that Pope Francis SJ had criticised his faithful adviser Jimbo Martin SJ were incorrect.

"This handshake is not to be interpreted as meaning that I like you."

For the conservatives, the case is clear. Jimbo is Francis's blue-eyed boy. He may spend his time pushing anti-Catholic teaching, but doesn't the Holy Father do that all the time? Why, if Francis wasn't 83 years old and suffering from sciatica, he'd be rolling along to one of Jim's Ignatian yoga classes and sticking his legs behind his neck like the rest of them.

For the liberals the case is clear. Fr James Martin is one of the Catholic Church's greatest scholars, teachers, sages, a living saint, and great fun at LGBT retreats. How could he possibly be criticised by Pope Francis, who is one of the Catholic Church's greatest scholars, teachers, sages, a living saint, and great fun at synod parties? There, there, Massimo, calm down and put some ice cubes on your head - your mighty brain is overheating. And Jon Sweeney-Todd, biographer (ha ha!) of Sunny Jim, do stop screaming at people.

Anyway, Archbishop Wester says that during the time he was actually awake, he didn't hear any comments that could definitely be referring to Sunny Jim in a way that might have suggested or implied that he was in any way less than perfect. So QED.

"Today it takes Jesus two tries before he can heal a blind man in Bethsaida."

Following on from this, we are fortunate to be able to publish an exclusive statement from Fr James Martin on "Things God couldn't quite manage."

* God needed six days to create the Universe because He couldn't do it any faster.

* Noah's flood was caused by God accidentally leaving a tap running in Heaven.

* Jesus turned water into wine as He didn't know how to do whisky.

"A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water! Please!"

* When Jesus asked "Whose head is on that coin?" it was because He really didn't know.

* Likewise, "Who do people say that I am?" was an attempt to catch up on the gossip.

* Walking on the water was really accidental, it can easily happen if you don't look where you're going.

* Finally, our Lord rose on the third day as the first two attempts failed.

Thank you, Fr Jim! It all goes to show how things can go wrong if you don't have a Canaanite woman to advise you!