Is God an old man with a beard?

Recent events in British politics have led many people to suppose that God is an old man with a grey beard, living in some remote area beyond the reach of ordinary human beings (Islington, also known as Corbyngrad). But is such a belief tenable in the present day and age?

A man walking like a chicken, or God moving in a mysterious way?

Certainly after his miraculous election to the leadership of the Labour party, and his consequent appointment as leader of the Opposition, against all the odds, many people are prepared to bow down and worship this mysterious figure that we all associate with times long gone by (the 1960s, mostly).

Still, if indeed Jeremy Corbyn IS God, then that would provide an explanation of his refusal to sing the National Anthem, "God save the Queen". After all, he would only be talking (or singing) to himself. And presumably he already has a fairly good idea whether the Queen is saved.

It's so embarrassing when people sing hymns to you.

For a long time it was thought that God was a middle-aged man who wrote down his promises on stone tablets and ate bacon sandwiches in a mysterious way, but a few months ago this theory was disproved and the search for a supreme being went elsewhere. But really, who believes in the divinity of an old man with a beard in this day and age?

Meanwhile, Pope Francis has made it perfectly clear that he does not believe in the divinity of JC (even though he shares his initials with a *very* famous religious personage indeed). Indeed, in asking Catholics to reduce their Corbyn Footprint, he has made it clear that, wherever Heaven is, it cannot be in Islington.

The Angel, Islington, a challenge to non-believers.

Giles Fraser condemns the Re-election of Jesus

Palestine, 33 AD.

Gi-les Fra-ser, a Sadducee scribe, has expressed himself extremely dissatisfied with the recent surprising Re-election of Jesus of Nazareth.

The Church of Charlotte was also dissatisfied.

Dr Fra-ser, known for his regular Take no thought for tomorrow slot for the Roman Empire Broadcasting Company, was writing his "Lost Canon" piece for the Guardian's The comments will make you free section. He pointed out that there had been three candidates for Re-election, namely, Jesus, Ed Dismas the Good Thief, and Nick Gestas the Bad Thief. (There were also candidates with less potential for salvation, such as Judas Isgalloway.)

Dismas's brother demonstrates the Vulcan death grip.

It is thought that Dr Fra-ser was first disillusioned with Jesus when he came across His views on marriage: apparently, it was the bigoted "one man and one woman" model that he found unacceptable. Weeping copiously, Dr Fra-ser wrote how he was ashamed to be a citizen of the Roman Empire, and that he felt that the democratic system had failed the most vulnerable in society. He thought that God had got it wrong ("as He so often does"), and that the highly eccentric Russell Barabbas might have been right after all, when he told people to support nobody at all Ed Dismas, the Judaean People's Front.

A powerful message from Russell Barabbas.

Jesus, is of course associated with food banks (5000 hungry people were clamouring for a free meal at one point), and a somewhat hit-and-miss attitude to health care, as Lazarus and Jairus's daughter could testify. However, it seems that He has now been Re-elected for a long period, and it is not clear how Fra-ser proposes to resist his authority. Meanwhile, he admits, "I'm very Sadducee."

A remembrance service for departed politicians

I am the re-election and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were rejected by voters, yet shall he live, peradventure to return to the world by a by-election, or peradventure to enter the heavenly House of Lords. Failing that, to be blessed with directorships, consultancies, and other means by which the world poureth out money on the otherwise unemployable.

Man that is elected to parliament hath but a short time to serve, and causeth a lot of misery by his meddling. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one eternal government.

Three polticians (two of them also walking dead) remember the fallen.

Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God, in his wise providence, to take out of parliament the souls of our deceased brothers, we therefore commit them to the dustbin of history; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, toast to toast; looking for a general re-election on the last day of the new administration.

We remember in particular the following brothers who have been taken from us:

Edward Edwin Edgar Edmund Balls, he whose testament to the world, "Ed Balls", is forever remembered in "Ed Balls Day". Although his cutting off leaves the House of Commons emasculated, may the holy day of April 28th (or, if the bishops choose, a convenient Sunday nearby) ever be used to remember him; yeah, even when his works have faded into history and the deficit is no more.

Ed Balls, clad in robes of white.

George Saddam Felix Galloway, many times winner of the "most obnoxious man in politics" award. Well, the less said about him, the better. May he be granted seventy-two virgins in Paradise, preferably Jewish ones.

Possibly the last we shall see of George Galloway. I'm an optimist.

Vincent Nijinsky Cable, dancer extraordinaire and politician ordinaire, he who was unplugged before his time; and Mark Lemming Reckless, of whom we never heard until he decided to sing a new song to the Lord, which proved his undoing.

And there are many others, mostly dressed in robes of red and yellow, whose names are already forgotten.

I heard a voice from Heaven, saying unto me: Write, From henceforth blessed are the dead who are thrown out: for they rest, and we have peace from their foolishness.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Sometimes the undead come back to haunt us.

The priest is asked NOT to mention wailing and gnashing of teeth, even though there is a lot of this going on in BBC interviews, etc.

[At this point Messrs Cameron, Miliband and Clegg will lay wreaths at the eight-foot "Edstone". Mr Cameron will endeavour to stop giggling, before departing to visit some more fish markets. Mr Miliband will trip and fall, before leaving to seek spiritual advice from the Venerable Brand. Mr Clegg will depart in a taxi with the rest of his MPs.]

Life goes on: Theresa May teaches liturgical dancing to a group of new MPs.

Westminster Abbey becomes a mosque

As reported by the Anglican writers Cranmer and Ruth Gledhill, Westminster Abbey has been moving steadily Mecca-wards, with prayers describing Mohammed as a "prophet" - without the usual adjective "false" - and "the chosen one" - about which Christ might have had something to say. However, all is now explained with the news that Westminster Abbey is to be converted into a mosque. From now on the Dean should be referred to as Imam John Halal, er, Hall, although he will now have the option of choosing a more Islamic name, such as Abu Hamza, George Galloway, or simply Jihad John II.

Westminster Mosque, before some necessary alterations.

It is expected that Imam John will call the faithful to prayer every morning by shouting some suitable message from one of the towers of the mosque. Suggestions here include yelling the great religious hymn "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I'd thank you Lord for my fuzzy wuzzy hair" at bemused passers-by, or possibly a simple message of invitation such as "There are tea and halal biscuits being served in the Giles Fraser Chapel." Since Westminster Abbey will be a "Liberal Muslim" mosque, we do not expect to see any signs of radical Islam, although the Teenagers' Radicalization Group will continue to meet on Wednesday evenings. Indeed, Canon Jane Sinclair will continue as a "Lady Imam", although naturally she will need to wear a burkha.

Will Vincent Nichols follow suit at Westminster Cathedral, which already resembles a mosque?

It is thought that the explanation for the change from Anglican (well, originally Catholic) Abbey to Islamic mosque may be linked to the promise from Labour leader Ed Miliband that "Islamophobia" will be made a crime if he wins the forthcoming general election. Christians, of course, enjoy no such protection.

Fighting against Islamophobia!

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This week's brain-teaser: a homosexual couple goes to a Muslim baker's demanding a "same-sex wedding" cake. When the Muslim proprietor refuses, they sue him. Is he guilty of homophobia, or are they guilty of Islamophobia?

Catholic Church changes teaching on abortion

Taking advice from Mrs Hillary Clinton, widely tipped to be the next president of the United States, the Catholic Church has decided to change its teaching on abortion. Following her comment that "deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed" so that killing off children is made easier, there has been a unanimous response of "Oh gosh, we never thought of that" from the Church.

Hillary and friends enjoy a webcam set up in Bill Clinton's office.

Mrs Clinton has angrily insisted that for many years she has been negotiating with Pope Francis and his predecessors by e-mail, explaining to them how they have totally misunderstood Catholic teaching, but unfortunately all the correspondence was accidentally deleted. You know how these things happen.

"I'll think about it" promises Pope John-Paul II.

Meanwhile, on these shores Mr Edward Miliband, a well-known atheist and politician, has declared that he wants to meet Pope Francis. Having been leader of the opposition for nearly five years, he has not previously shown the slightest interest in hopping on a plane to Rome (or even hanging around when Pope Benedict XVI visited), but the approaching election has concentrated his mind wonderfully, and he realises that he urgently has to challenge David Cameron for the votes of any so far undecided but gullible Christians.

All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter!

Coincidentally, the Pope has expressed a long-standing wish to meet Ed Miliband, in order to decide whether he is real. "Some people find the Christian faith difficult to accept," he said, "but believing that Ed Miliband is a real person is far more of a challenge."

How should saved persons vote?

There's been very little about it in the news, but some people may be aware that in the UK we are having General Election on May 7th. In fact, you wait five years for someone to publish a manifesto, and then seven (?) come along at once.

However, most of the nastiest laws that get passed do not even appear in manifestos - do you remember anyone promising us same-sex "marriage", genetically-modified babies, or sex-selective abortion? Or even "yes, ye can shove yer Granny off a bus" legislation (that one seems to have been defeated, at least for the time being). So,burn the manifestos and start again.

Rule 1: All party leaders are villains. Cameron, Miliband, Clegg, Farage, Sturgeon, that thick woman from the Greens whose name I've forgotten... I wouldn't trust any of them to feed my cat if I went away on holiday.

Two unsaved people.

Rule 2. All major political parties contain one or two decent people. Even the SNP - they must do, or the Scottish Catholic bishops wouldn't fawn on them so much. Not sure about the Greens, actually.

Well this isn't getting us very far. You may vote for a saved candidate, and find that his or her leader bites the head off hamsters and performs human sacrifices at the full moon. So we'd better think again about this.

A typical party conference.

If you go to a polling booth, you will be handed a piece of paper looking something like this (without the pictures).

Sir Jasper Babyeater-Smyth (Conservative)

Edna Bully (Green)

Brother Eccles (Saved Persons' Party)

Praying Lord Frank (Monster Raving Loony Party)

Chris Fraud (Lib Dem)

Nicholas Frogbasher (UKIP)

Moira McNasty (SNP)

Cardinal Vincent Nichelieu (World Domination Party)

Arthur Tablet-Freke (Tina Beattie for Queen Party)

Damian Thompson (Custard Liberation Front)

Sid Thugg (Labour)

Well, it's a tough call, but I rely on you to spot the most saved person in that list. If you are not so lucky with your ballot paper and you think that all the candidates are unsaved, then just write "UNSAVED", "VERY UNSAVED", "NO CHANCE OF BEING SAVED", "SAVED? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH", etc. against all the names in turn. This may mean that your vote doesn't count, but it's perhaps the best you can do.

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!

Into the wilderness for Lent

So Eccles prepared to go into the wilderness for Lent. On the day before Ash Wednesday the world had celebrated a big festival: formerly called Shrove Tuesday, it was now universally known as Pancake Day, being a day when all mankind - except for the starving millions - was obliged to gorge itself on pancakes. Apparently, this was in honour of the blessed St Pancake, a Roman martyr who achieved immortality by having a railway station named after him.

The face of St Pancake appears in a plate.

Enough of this foolery. Lent arrived, and Eccles retreated into the wilderness. The first wilderness he tried was the desert of Telegraph blogs. Here there had clearly once been a great civilization: people spoke in hushed tones of the legendary Damian Thompson, James Delingpole, Tom Chivers, Daniel Hannan, and the millions who hung on their every word.

But when Eccles arrived, he saw a deserted wasteland. In one corner, Judith Potts was gallantly carrying on her popular series of "cancer" posts: "Why cancer can be fun", "Make the most of your cancer", "How we grew to love cancer", ... and so on. In another corner, there was still Pete Wedderburn with his "furry animal" blog: "Why the possum is man's best friend", "Give your mother a scorpion for her birthday" and "A gorilla is for life, not just for Christmas".

One of Pete Wedderburn's remaining fans.

But apart from that, nothing. No Toby Youngs, no Norman Tebbits, not even a humble Geoffrey Lean. What calamity had struck the Telegraph? All Eccles could find was a broken statue, bearing the following words: MY NAME IS DAMIAN THOMPSON, KING OF KINGS, LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR...

Lies, all lies...

Eccles moved on to the Guardian, well-known as a wasteland full of dangerous creatures. There he suffered three temptations at the hands of Giles Fraser. At this point, some readers will say "There is no such thing as Giles Fraser. He doesn’t exist. At his best, he is a very human projection of ourselves and our darkest nature." But still, the legend goes as follows:

Fraser showed Eccles his Guardian articles and said: "If you are a saved person, then turn these stones into spiritual nourishment." But Eccles replies: "It is written: 'Man cannot live on the words of Giles Fraser, but only on words that come from the mouth of God.'"

Then Fraser took Eccles up to the moral high ground, from where he could look down into the abyss of Radio 4. "Jump in," he said. "If you are a saved person, then the Lord will protect you from the Today Programme, the Moral Maze, and all other places where my views are to be found." But Eccles replied, "Don't tempt me to turn on the radio. Please."

Can Radio 4 really lead you to Evan?

Finally Fraser showed Eccles all the United Kingdom and its splendour. "Bow down and worship Ed Miliband," he said. "and a new socialist era will dawn, in which children may learn all about homosexual relations, yeah, even at the age of five. What's not to like?"

But Eccles shouted "Get thee behind me, Fraser!" and left for another wilderness.

Eccles flees the human projection of our darkest nature.

To be continued.

The British 10 Commandments

Following on from the Government's decree that schools should promote "British values", we have been trying to find out what these are. Is it old ladies drinking warm beer as they cycle across the cricket pitch to Mass in the morning mist, or is it something more concrete?

Miss Marple on the trail of someone without British values.

We are therefore grateful to Michael Gove for providing us with an advance copy of the 10 Commandments, edited to incorporate British values.

1. I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.

In modern secular Britain, it's best if you have no gods at all: indeed, you can get into trouble for preaching Christian doctrine, especially if you actually mean it. There is no ban on strange Prophets, however, so Muslims can say what they like, unless they go so far as to wander around with hooks threatening to blow up people.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Blasphemy isn't really a problem these days: we're more worried about "hate speech", and there are certain words you may not say, such as the N-word or various synonyms for "homosexual". Using "Christ" or "Jesus" as a swear word is perfectly all right, and even encouraged.

Bloody Hell, did I just say "Cripes"? Sorry, folks.

3. Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.

Yes, Sunday is the day for worshipping Mammon. Get down to the shops and stimulate the economy! Or watch football. Of course some eccentrics may prefer to go to Church, but there are no proposals to make this illegal. Oh, Nick says there are. But not before 2015.

4. Honour your father and your mother.

We've had to scrap this, as a majority of Britons don't know who their father and mother are. Others will, quite naturally, have two fathers or two mothers in a loving same-sex marriage. Anyway, who wants to honour an old fuddy-duddy who could be well over 30?

We're soon going to hear the patter of tiny feet!

5. You shall not kill.

We Britons are very proud of having abolished capital punishment for people guilty of murder; contrariwise, we are equally proud to support abortion, euthanasia (soon), and other ways of bumping off the innocent.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Since we've nearly abolished marriage, we have de facto abolished adultery. Result! Of course, fornication is frowned upon in some circles, but hey! this is the 21st century, and sex is a very British invention.

This is postmodern irony. Or something.

7. You shall not steal.

Quite right too. Of course, as MPs, we personally don't need to steal, as if we require the odd duck house we can claim it on expenses. Or we can flip our "second" homes to get a favourable mortgage deal. Or claim that our live-in lover is our landlord. No, stealing is right out. Put away that striped pullover, the mask and the bag marked "SWAG". They're unBritish.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

Note that lying in general (or "politics" as we call it) is perfectly permissible. It is well known that British politicians are the most honest in the world: well, more honest than the Greeks, Egyptians and Kazakhs, at least. Possibly. However, it is unBritish to make up stories about people, unless you're a Daily Mail journalist.

...and I heard that Mrs Gove at Number 6 was a Russian spy running a cannabis factory...

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife.

This has been extended to live-in partners, whether of the same sex, the opposite sex, neither sex, both sexes or undefined. Our core British values are Equality and Diversity, and we certainly aren't transphobic! Now, a little coveting is perfectly British, but nonetheless, Nick tells us that even he has slept with fewer than 30 women; so if your street contains more than 30 neighbours' wives, don't covet them all.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

Who makes up this rubbish? How are we to stimulate British industry by selling more cars, washing-machines, etc. unless people do their duty and get coveting? Coveting is a British tradition!

How I wish I had a nice house in Downing Street!

Daily Mail does a hatchet job

Mesopotamia, 3980 B.C.

The entire population of the world (approximately 10) was horrified today when the Daily Mail published an article claiming that Mr Adam Milligan, father of the well-known farmers Cain Milligan and Abel Milligan, was really quite an evil person.

Adam and Eve "left little to the imagination" says Daily Mail.

Said Cain Milligan, currently Leader of the Opposition to God, "This slur on my father is disgraceful. All right, he and my mother did fraternise with a serpent, and eat forbidden fruit, but thirty years ago this was perfectly normal behaviour - everyone did it - and he was only a fellow-traveller rather than an out-and-out Satanist."

The Daily Mail, however, is sticking to its story, and has published follow-up articles, called, The man who fell in love with his own rib and Adam DID hate God.

An eye-witness interviewed by the Daily Mail.

Critics have pointed out that the Daily Mail also has a somewhat unsavoury history: for example, shortly before Satan was expelled from Heaven, it was publishing headlines such as THREE CHEERS FOR THE MAN WITH THE HORNS AND THE PITCHFORK and SATAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW TO GOD.

Nowadays, support for Satan is limited to occasional articles in papers with vanishingly small circulations, such as the Independent and Guardian.

The Daily Mail may, however, have the last word, as it challenged Cain Milligan to explain the mysterious absence of his brother Abel, who had been expected to take over the leadership of the labourers' party. Said Cain, "I'm afraid he decided to leave the family business and move to New York." Rumours are growing that Cain has actually killed Abel, but he was quick to deny them. Indeed, he produced this photograph which proved, he claimed, that his brother was alive and well, and had not been knifed in the back after all.

A prosperous banana-farmer, possible Abel Milligan.

A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dawkins

Will nobody say a good word for The God Delusion?

Scroogeard's career was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He had given up biology, a subject at which he was considered to be very capable, in favour of theology, about which he knew almost nothing; as a result, he was reduced to sitting by the fireside all day long, foaming at the mouth, and shouting "Bah! Humbug!" whenever there was any mention of Christianity on the television.

As he sat there watching the BBC's Christmas Special, A Tribute to Jimmy Savile, and reflecting how, by telling the Daily Mail that bringing children up as Catholics was worse than raping them, it would give him some more column-inches and pay for Lalla's next trip to Gallifrey, the room darkened and a ghostly figure appeared before him.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

"Hey," said the ghost. "Let's not be formal here. Just call me Tony."

"B-b-b-but you're a Catholic," gasped Scroogeard in terror. "You follow the beliefs of that vile Catholic church. Keep away from me!"

"Let's just say that I've got my own beliefs, and I'm encouraging the Catholic church to follow," said the ghost. It showed Scroogeard a vision of a world run by Blairite Catholics, in which abortion could thrive, and in which religion was gradually sidelined.

The vision faded, and another horrible figure appeared.

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

"Another worshipper of sky fairies!" shuddered Scroogeard. "An Anglican! That's nearly as bad!"

"Don't worry," said the ghost calmly. "The Anglican church does what I say now. If I want women bishops, it will appoint them. But I have an even better scheme, which I'm sure you'll like. Since men and women don't get married very often these days, we're going to insist that men marry men, and women marry women! And, as it says in the Bible, the lion will lie down with the lamb and have its babies, because after all, it has rights like anyone else. If this doesn't get the Catholics screaming, I don't know what will!"

The second vision faded, and Scroogeard, now considerably perked up, awaited to see what horrors lay in the future.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

"But you're not a Christian at all," cried Scroogeard gleefully to the third ghost. "If you come to power, we shall see the triumph of atheism after all! Harriet Harman will rule with an iron rod, we shall become daily ever more equal and diverse, and the Catholic Church and the Church of England will disappear! Oh joy! Oh rapture!"

"Well, not entirely," said the ghost. "We will simply appoint Giles Fraser as Archbishop of Canterbury, and Tina Beattie as Archbishop of Westminster. That way, the churches will be able to move away from God, and be more in step with the great secular adventure."

Scroogeard, overjoyed, rushed into the street, generously showering gifts on all the poor people he met. To Bob Cratchit, whose family had no fuel, he gave a copy of The Blind Watchmaker, which Bob gratefully put on the fire.

But what of poor Tiny Tim, who lay sick in a corner of the room? Why, Scroogeard had a wonderful gift for him too, a copy of The God Delusion.

Yes, it was the biggest turkey they'd ever seen!

Bad Hymns 13

Taking a break from religious hymns, as we have done once or twice already, the Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Jim Connell, author of the Socialist Hymn The Red Flag, together with "Red Ed" Miliband, who likes to sing the hymn once a year.

Ed Miliband singing The Red Flag.

E: Jim, if I could come to you, first. The flag isn't really deepest red, is it? Usually, it's quite a bright red colour. In fact you later describe it as "scarlet."

JC: Yes, well the idea is that it is stained by the blood of the martyrs.

E: Oh right. So Ed, can you name some Labour martyrs whose blood has stained this flag?

EM: Well, there was Clement Attlee.

E: Attlee? The man who ended up with an earldom and the titles of KG, OM, CH, PC and FRS?

EM: He was a martyr to lumbago, you know.

Clement Attlee - used to wrap himself in a red flag when his lumbago got bad.

E: The version I heard was The people's flag is palest pink, Mum washed it in the kitchen sink. Still, back to you, Jim. I see that nowadays people don't sing the more embarrassing verses of your hymn?

JC: (sings)

   Look round, the Frenchman loves its blaze,
   The sturdy German chants its praise,
   In Moscow's vaults its hymns were sung
   Chicago swells the surging throng. 

E: Of course the French like anything that blazes, really. Red flags, cars, British lamb, ... The pyrotechnic habits of the French are worth a whole verse on their own. But I quite like the phrase "sturdy German." We've had quite a lot of trouble from sturdy Germans since you wrote that song. And Moscow, Chicago, ... hmmm.

EM: At the Labour conference we omit all that tosh. Still, we are very fond of the colour red.

The people's dress is deepest red - behold the wife of poor old Ed!

E: So basically verse 1 is all about martyrs - possibly including Clement Attlee - being wrapped in red flags. Wasn't there another martyr? David somebody, who was stabbed in the back by his brother?

EM: I deny it completely. Anyway, David is not dead. Just resting.

JC: (sings)

   It suits today the weak and base,
   Whose minds are fixed on pelf and place
   To cringe before the rich man's frown,
   And haul the sacred emblem down. 

EM: Will you be quiet? We in New Labour don't regard anything as sacred. In fact, we don't even regard religion as sacred.

E: And you've got plenty of rich men in your party, eh, Ed?

The rich man's frown.

EM: I don't remember the words exactly, but our conference sing-song ends with something like: "Though tumpty-tumpty traitors sneer, Um, er, the red flag flying here."

E: Actually, most people sneer at the song these days, especially after the fall of communism; not just traitors. You've just missed Eric Hobsbawm, he liked that sort of thing. Where is the flag flying now, then?

EM: We left it in Manchester. You didn't expect us to take the silly thing home with us, did you?

E: No, I guess not.

JC: (sings)

   With head uncovered swear we all
   To bear it onward till we fall;
   Come dungeons dark or gallows grim,
   This song shall be our parting hymn. 

E: Fine sentiments, Jim. I think that nowadays dungeons aren't dark, indeed they all have colour TVs; and gallows aren't grim either, in fact they're mostly tourist attractions. But you weren't to know that. Ed, a final comment?

EM: Don't look at me, I don't know anything about this hymn.

E: Well, thank you both for coming. Shall we conclude with another scary picture?

The people's witch is dressed in red. She's cast a spell upon you, Ed.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.

Thought for the Dazed

By Giles Fraser

"We're DOOOOMED, I tell you," says Fraser.

Being a clever chap who reads books without pictures in them, I was given the works of St Augustine for my birthday last year.

It's astonishing how St Augustine was concerned about the same issues that worry us Guardian journalists who appear on the BBC and do a little praying in our spare time. For example, in his "City of God," he says:

To the divine providence it has seemed good to prepare in the world to come for the righteous good things, which the unrighteous shall not enjoy; and for the wicked evil things, by which the good shall not be tormented.

Nowadays we recognise that he was expressing serious concerns about climate change.

St Augustine - terrified by the thought of climate change.

Luckily, the horrifying effects of carbon emissions were averted in the 5th century, but we shall not be so lucky. We're DOOOOMED, I tell you. One of the books I have on my shelves - but haven't yet got round to reading properly - is called "The Holy Bible." At the end of it, in a section called "Revelation," there are many shocking predictions of the effects of climate change.

Like me, Augustine was a keen Socialist, and anticipated those great thinkers Marx, Engels, and Miliband. As I always say to my parishioners, I'm on the side of the Engels!

Another subject that Augustine anticipated was the modern Freudian theory of sex. When he wrote in his "Confessions," As a youth I prayed, "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet," he was setting out the basis of modern psychoanalysis, which is SEX.

Freud - his theories explain our basic need for lesbian and gay bishops.

Sex is a very exciting subject, and I love writing about it. The thought of a young woman priest in a tightly-fitting cassock... Phew, is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? Must be all that climate change that we hear about...