Conjuring tricks with bones

David Jenkins, Anglican bishop of Durham in the 1980s, has died at the ripe old age of 91. He will long be remembered for saying that the Resurrection was "far more than a conjuring trick with bones" and "not a single event but a series of experiences".

Captain Kirk attempts a conjuring trick with "Bones".

Surprisingly, since Bishop Jenkins's death, many people have claimed to have had mystical experiences convincing them that David's life, power, purpose and personality were still continuing.

For example, Jenkins's famous remark "I wouldn't put it past God to arrange a virgin birth if he wanted, but I very much doubt he would", then considered to be somewhat inappropriate for a man paid by the Church of England to promote Christian teaching, has been mystically echoed by the totally orthodox cleric Giles Fraser.

Today Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, agreed to clamp down on "turbulent priests" by introducing a list of fundamental Christian teachings that they - and indeed all worshippers - were expected to recite in church without crossing their fingers, rolling their eyes, winking, or in any other way indicating that it was a joke as far as they were concerned. "I shall call it 'The Creed'," he said, "and there will be three versions: the Nicene one for general use, the Apostles' Creed for when we're in a hurry, and the Athanasian Creed for people as clever as that Catholic chap Fr Hunwicke."

Someone could even make a song out of it!

It is thought that such a "creed" may contain phrases such as "the Virgin Mary" or "the resurrection of the dead", in order to weed out the unsaved.

Although I, Eccles, never met Bishop Jenkins, I did a long time ago meet Bishop John "Honest to God" Robinson, another famous Anglican liberal. Robinson had managed to anticipate Mother Tina Beattie by describing sex as "an act of holy communion" in the trial that tried to ban Lady Chatterley's Lover (he was defending the book). Actually, Mother Tina's own book describes Holy Communion as an act of homosexual sex, but Robinson did do his best to shock people, given that homosexuality wasn't invented until the late 1960s.

John Robinson was famous for pointing out that God is not an old man living on a cloud, which was another of the brilliant scientific discoveries of the 1960s. My most interesting conversation with him involved a planned Lake District Trip; he quoted to me the saying "Choose your companions carefully, you may have to eat them" from Sellar and Yeatman's And now all this. I duly followed his advice.

Choose your companions carefully...

In the end our bishop-less expedition climbed Scafell Pike, and I discovered God sitting on a cloud at the top. Which only goes to show that bishops don't know everything.

Television news

Following ITV's attempt to revive its posh soap Downton Abbey by adding a gratuitous rape scene, the BBC has decided to spice up Songs of Praise.

The "new look" Songs of Praise.

Said a spokesman, "We have decided to make Songs of Praise more exciting for those who are not normally of a religious disposition; to do this we shall include scenes of violence in place of the bit where the presenter waffles on about how St Tharg's started up its Gay Grandmothers Support Group in 1662. Next week we shall re-enact the rape of Tamar by her brother Amnon, thus combining incest and rape in a tasteful and spiritually nourishing context."

The spokesman went on to point out that "Songs of Praise" is already regarded as a programme suitable only for those with strong stomachs. After all, it has been known to broadcast scenes of explicit "Walk in the Light", even before the 9 p.m. watershed.

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Meanwhile, in other news, the BBC has announced the discovery in Arundel and Brighton of a large stock of previously-missing videotapes from its long-running series Bishop Who? It includes several adventures which some people thought had never even been made.

Bishop Who demonstrates Venusian ju-jitsu in The Rebels of Acta.

Many fans of Bishop Who will be glad to see The Rebels of Acta again. In this story Bishop Who confronts a bunch of renegade Catholics who have been attempting to change the course of history, and escapes from their clutches with some well-timed Venusian ju-jitsu.

There is also a sub-plot involving Bishop Who's conflict with a mysterious organization called Quest, which attempts to infiltrate the Empire of Arundel.

Fr Blake and his helpers greet the Argoids of Brighton.

Another recovered story is the The Argoids of Brighton, in which Bishop Who courageously defends Fr Blake from the venomous attacks of a poisonous creature. This story later led to a spin-off series, called Blake's Heaven.

A group of time-lords, in ceremonial robes, swearing loyalty to President Francis.

In another once-lost adventure, Magisterium, Bishop Who travels to the Time-Lord Planet of Roma, in order to protect the sacred laws of Humanae Vitae from barbarian invaders wishing to change the sacred teachings on morality.

It is rumoured that further lost stories remain to be discovered, including one, The Bishop's Letter, in which Bishop Who decides that people will take him more seriously if he writes a blog. This plot device is, of course, well-known from Star Trek.

Bishop Kirk dictates his own "Bishop's Blog".

Star Trekk

De world is waitin for de full story of how Bosco met de characters from Star Trekk, when he was a little kid. De way he tells it is dat Leiutenant Uhurra (Nichele Nicholls) came to a party at our huose, and he was asleep upstares, but de reallity is rather different.

We was little kids, and in de bedroom Bosco was asleep, dreemin sweetly dat he was beetin up some nuns. I was awake finking about de probblems of being saved. What happenned was dat four Star Trekk characters turned up in our bedroom, as de sensers on de Entreprise told dem about a strangge creecher dat lived dere.

De lady in de party was indeed Leiutenant Uhurra, she screemed when she saw my bruvver Bosco, but otherwise she didnt say much. De one wiv de big ears is called Sock. He took a long look at my darlin bruvver Bosco and said "Dat's life, Jim, but not as we know it! I don't fink dis creecher is saved."

De leeder chap was called Kerk, dat means churhc, so we cuold tell he was relligiuos. "We abhorrs vilence at all times," he said, "but den we doesn't want dis freek to turn into a Cathlic. I fink I'll soften him up wiv de phassar, just to be on de safe side."

He fired de phassar at Bosco's head, but de deadly rays just buonced off, sometimes it is useful to have a crannium as hard as concreet.

De remainin chap was called Bons, and he was a doctor. He was very interresed by dis skelleton dat was given us by de Calumny Chappel for us to pray to in de bedroom at nihgt, and he was sure dat it was saved.

Anyways, de Star Trekk crew decidded dat Bosco was not much of a threat to civillization (dey did say dat hundreds might die of boredom when dey heard him preechin, but dats reely not nice, it's only been a dozzen at most so far). So Kerk said "Beem us up, Spotty," and den dey all vannished.

My Anti Moly says dat Captin Kerk visitted her too when she was yuonger; dey even had a short rommance cos dat's what always happens in dem storries. Dis is a pitcher of dem bein affectionnate.