We hacked the Pope's e-mail account

Well, you'd have thought that the Pope would have chosen a more subtle password than "misericordia", wouldn't you? But we've managed to hack our way into his e-mail account, and we can now reveal some of his correspondence via Eccileaks.

From luigi@gammarelli.com

Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father, given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.

Pope Francis displays his new vestments.

From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk

Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what! If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.

Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!

From festing@maltese.double-cross.org

You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.

Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.

From spadaro@vatican.com

Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)

From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org

Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!

Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.

From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org

Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin' before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.

From mueller@vatican.com

Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk. Gerhard.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 10: Disciples of Satan

Continued from Part 9.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. After their spiritually nourishing encounter with Tina Beattie, they decide to test one of the pope's latest claims. Father James Martin SJ takes up the story.

A parish secretary deals with an unwelcome enquiry.

I am very honoured to have been invited to continue the tale of Eccles's wanderings. I know Eccles is a great fan of my books, especially How God can learn from us, which explains why God created mankind, and Invent your own heresy, in which I tell you how I developed the complex doctrines of Martinism, and how you too can have a heresy named after yourself. But I digress.

How God can learn from us.

Hearing of Pope Francis's words that parish secretaries were like disciples of Satan, Brother Eccles decided that the time had to come to take up the cudgels against such creatures. Now I don't run a parish myself, being a member of the America House Jesuit Community in Manhattan, where my brother Jesuits and I live a simple life of comradeship (and we hardly ever dress up as deaconesses, that's right out). So I advised Eccles to visit a typical English parish and see how Pope Francis SJ (!) had spoken nothing but the plain truth.

In our Jesuit community, Friday night is custard night!

Now Eccles's Auntie Moly did not come with him on this occasion, Apparently, she'd just been appointed to Pope Francis's commission to study the issue of women deacons, along with other famous Catholics such as Nancy Pelosi, Tony Flannery, Catherine Pepinster, Hans Küng, and Cardinal Marx. Packing six suitcases with bottles of gin, hair restorer, Zap-a-bug^TM insect killer spray, and other favourite tipples, she took a flight to Rome, leaving Eccles to confront the Disciple of Satan on his own.

Eccles knocked on the door of St Tharg's parish office and went in.

The Parish Secretary.

"GO AWAY!" screamed the Parish Secretary, who at that moment was crouched over the unconscious body of a Franciscan friar, preparing to drink his blood. "THE PILGRIMAGE TO LORD'S IS CANCELLED AS WE GOT THE WRONG SHRINE WE HAVE NO MORE RAFFLE TICKETS TO SELL THE REFUGEES DON'T WANT ANY MORE DONATIONS OF OLD SOCKS NO I DON'T KNOW WHO MURDERED THE ORGANIST TICKETS FOR THE CLOWN MASS AREN'T ON SALE YET FATHER ERIC HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO THE BISHOP AND DON'T TAKE AWAY THE BROKEN PIANO UNTIL WE'VE USED IT FOR OUR PAUL INWOOD CONCERT."

There was nothing Eccles could do. He tried attacking the parish secretary with all the weapons at his disposal - mercy, sarcasm, and a ripe selection of Pope-Francis-approved insults - but in the end he retired defeated. He'll never make the grade as a Jesuit.

In this case, even Mercy was not enough to overpower the Disciple of Satan.

Television news

Following ITV's attempt to revive its posh soap Downton Abbey by adding a gratuitous rape scene, the BBC has decided to spice up Songs of Praise.

The "new look" Songs of Praise.

Said a spokesman, "We have decided to make Songs of Praise more exciting for those who are not normally of a religious disposition; to do this we shall include scenes of violence in place of the bit where the presenter waffles on about how St Tharg's started up its Gay Grandmothers Support Group in 1662. Next week we shall re-enact the rape of Tamar by her brother Amnon, thus combining incest and rape in a tasteful and spiritually nourishing context."

The spokesman went on to point out that "Songs of Praise" is already regarded as a programme suitable only for those with strong stomachs. After all, it has been known to broadcast scenes of explicit "Walk in the Light", even before the 9 p.m. watershed.

---

Meanwhile, in other news, the BBC has announced the discovery in Arundel and Brighton of a large stock of previously-missing videotapes from its long-running series Bishop Who? It includes several adventures which some people thought had never even been made.

Bishop Who demonstrates Venusian ju-jitsu in The Rebels of Acta.

Many fans of Bishop Who will be glad to see The Rebels of Acta again. In this story Bishop Who confronts a bunch of renegade Catholics who have been attempting to change the course of history, and escapes from their clutches with some well-timed Venusian ju-jitsu.

There is also a sub-plot involving Bishop Who's conflict with a mysterious organization called Quest, which attempts to infiltrate the Empire of Arundel.

Fr Blake and his helpers greet the Argoids of Brighton.

Another recovered story is the The Argoids of Brighton, in which Bishop Who courageously defends Fr Blake from the venomous attacks of a poisonous creature. This story later led to a spin-off series, called Blake's Heaven.

A group of time-lords, in ceremonial robes, swearing loyalty to President Francis.

In another once-lost adventure, Magisterium, Bishop Who travels to the Time-Lord Planet of Roma, in order to protect the sacred laws of Humanae Vitae from barbarian invaders wishing to change the sacred teachings on morality.

It is rumoured that further lost stories remain to be discovered, including one, The Bishop's Letter, in which Bishop Who decides that people will take him more seriously if he writes a blog. This plot device is, of course, well-known from Star Trek.

Bishop Kirk dictates his own "Bishop's Blog".

1000 priests write to the Telegraph

Cuculus cameronus.

SIR,

As we were walking down Whitehall today, we distinctly heard the sound of the cuckoo. It was croaking its characteristic cry of Gayma-Ridge Gayma-Ridge. Was this the first cuckoo of spring?

Rt Rev Philip Egan
Bishop of Portsmouth

Rt Rev Malcolm McMahon
Bishop of Nottingham

Not Kieran Conry - couldn't find a pen.

Rt Rev Paul Priest
Bishop of Corby (Could I add a few paragraphs here about logical paradigms? No?)

Lots of priests called Finigan, Finnegan etc
Representing the "Finnegans Wake" blogging consortium

Rev Ray Blake-Seven (with "Zuhlsdorf" liturgical handgun), a rival blogger

Rev Sir Charles Dilke Bt Cong Orat
Mission to the aristocracy

Mitred Archpriest Alexander Nadson
Man with the fanciest headgear

What the well-dressed mitred archpriest is wearing this season.

Mgr Andrew Summersgill
Magic Circle

Rt Rev Mgr Keith Newton
Ordinary, Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham, mission to Soho

Rev G.K. Ale, Abbot of Bury St Edmund's

Mgr Uncle Tom Cobleigh and All
Widecombe

... and more.

---

SIR,

David Cameron