More about "Come Forth"

Disclaimer: when I last wrote about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ's new book, I thought I was joking when I said that "Come Forth" meant "Come Out" in the sense of "Stop suppressing your sexual urges, get your pants off, and come to the next Pride meeting!" But it seems that he did indeed mean this (plus a lot of nonsense about Lazarus being the disciple that Jesus loved). So I will try and do a better review.

My apologies to Fr Jim!

Extensive research (oh, at least 10 minutes) has shown that many of Jesus's sayings have double meanings.

Thanks to Fr Antonio "2+2=5" Spadaro we now know that Jesus was not always a cosy comfortable ice-cream eating Bidenite Catholic, but that He started His ministry as a nasty callous climate-denying rigid neo-Trumpian orange-haired brute. It was only after meeting the Canaanite woman (we don't have a name for her, but it was probably Nancy) that He became aware that His mission was to become a liberal LGBTQ-supporting Jesuit.

Could this be the Canaanite woman?

Once Jesus had been put on the correct path, Fr Jim tells us that He said many things which have been misinterpreted by theologians over the last 2000 years. Luckily Jimbo is here to put us straight! (Not the right word, but never mind.)

He that is without sin among you: let him cast the first stone. This is a great saying. It basically tells us that you can do what you like and nobody can criticise. Of course some people - such as the Pope, Jesuits, left-wing politicians, etc. ARE without sin, so if you find stones coming through your roof, you can be sure that they know about you.

Synodists (without sin) get fit for some stone-throwing.

I am the Alpha and the Omega. This quotation from the Book of Revelation shows that Jesus was already encouraging us to indicate our sexual preferences by letters. Nowadays we would say "I am the Lambda, the Gamma, the Beta, and the Tau" or "LGBT" for short. Similarly, modern theologians no longer speak of a Trinitarian god, but a non-binary God.

Was this the real message of Revelation?

Get thee behind me, Satan! This an invitation to LGBT-obsessed priests to get lost. Oh, sorry, this one isn't in Fr Jim's book. My mistake.

"Coming out" - a new book from Martintrash (TM)

• Was Pontius Pilate the "beloved disciple" in John's Gospel?
• Did Mary Magdalene write Matthew's Gospel?
• Was Lazarus the "he who is without sin" who cast the first stone?
• Were the Gadarene swine really gerbils?

These are questions that have baffled New Testament scholars for generations, but now Fr James Martin SJLGBT, author of the best-selling "Learning to Prey", has all the answers!

Did the demons really say "Cast us into this flock of gerbils"?

From the man who told us that :

• at one time the entire Catholic Church consisted of Mary Magdalene;
• the Holy Spirit is female;
• it took Jesus two tries before He could successfully heal the blind man;
• He took advice from the Canaanite woman about what His mission was...

we have the answers to questions that left Ambrose, Aquinas, Athanasius and Augustine (also lots of people whose names come later in the telephone directory) saying "Cor strike a light, I haven't a clue about these!"

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Gregory the Great.

Note the title "Coming out" - was Lazarus really LGBT, and was this a hint from Jesus that he should recognise his true identity and move to New York? Well, I won't spoil the book for you by revealing all the secrets.

Already the critics are praising "Coming out".

Top Synodist, Dr Jane Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis, the great redeemer", "The Pope Francis keep-fit book", "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to sleep", and "Synod and Synodality" is full of praise for the book.

Hang on, Eccles, he really said that!

Eccles recommendation: Lose no time in reading this book!