The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1.

1. So as the plague continued to rage, Bo-sis, leader of the children of Bri-tain, formed a wondrous plan known as "Hurd Immunity".

2. This was named after the patriarch Douglas Hurd, who had reached the great age of four score and ten without falling sick.

3. And the plan was for every man to go out and cough upon his neighbour so that he should become immune.

"I do wish people would stop coughing at me."

4. However, many people started to fall sick, and there came a new decree, that all should stay at home.

5. Bo-sis spake out, saying, "Ye may leave your houses for one hour each day to exercise. Sixty minutes may ye walk, and run, and jump. Sixty-one minutes may ye not exercise, lest the guards that are called Fuzz throw ye into the deepest dungeon.

6. Neither may ye lie down in the green pastures, lest ye be nicked.

7. Ye may go to the market to buy all that is necessary for living, such as the rare perfumes of Haan'wash, the rolls of Tai'let, and perchance also something to eat.

8. Such as milk and honey, quails, and ready-sliced manna.

9. However, keep ye four cubits distant from your neighbour at all times, that the plague jump not upon you!"

"Ye are also counselled to wear masks for your protection."

10. Then Bo-sis forbade the gathering of the faithful to worship the Lord.

11. Instead they were counselled to go to the stream that is called Live, whereby they might see visions of the high priests worshipping without them.

12. Thus, in the hour of their death, although they might not enter Heaven, they would at least see a vision of it in the stream that is called Live.

Celebrating Versus Webcameram.

13. It was also forbidden to baptize babies, even in the stream that is called Live, or to forgive the sins of the evil-doer.

14. Thus for several weeks the children of Bri-tain did not sin, except perchance to go out for a walk of sixty-one minutes, or to approach one another at a distance of one inch less than four cubits.

15. For they knew that forgiveness would be denied them.

16. And every evening, at the eighth hour, the people opened their windows and clapped their hands.

17. For it is written: "O clap your hands, all ye nations: shout unto the Doctors, the Nurses, the Hospital Accountants, and their Equality and Diversity Officers, with the voice of Joy."

18. But then Bo-sis himself fell sick, and the people wailed, gnashed their teeth, and rent their garments, praying for his deliverance.

19. Except for a few trolls who said "Serve him right. Woe to us that the Corbynites do not rule over us. Or this new man, he that is called Starmer."

Dominic the Raabbi acteth while Bo-sis is sick.

20. However, Bo-sis recovered from his sickness, and with a mighty cry of "Cripes! That was a near thing!" he took up his bed and walked. But only for one hour.

Continued in Chapter 3.

Brexodus 14: Maysis maketh a deal

Continued from Chapter 13

1. For four months after the departure of King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, the mighty leader May-sis continued to guide the children of Bri-tain.

2. And a new prophet was appointed, Dominus the Raabi, who was to speak with Michael Bar-Nier, the servant of Pharaoh Juncker of EUgypt.

May-sis performeth a dance to please the people.

3. So, as the winter approached, Maysis announced an agreement that would make everyone equally happy: that is, not at all.

4. First, the children of Bri-tain would stay exactly where they were, but would be told "Guess what? Thou hast left EU-gypt."

5. Next, there would be an end to the brutal chastisement with whips, which so grieved the people. Henceforth, the children of Britain would be chastised with scorpions.

St James of Bond suffereth chastisement from a scorpion.

6. For these blessings, as for many others, such as the throwing of the Irishites into the sea, the children of Bri-tain would pay nine and thirty baskets of precious stones.

7. But to the astonishment of May-sis, the people refused to accept that a new era of happiness was dawning.

8. First there were the Gray Lingites, the Adonais, and others, who spake out saying "Give us a People's Vote, for those who voted last time were not people, but mere serfs."

9. "And let us vote many times: let our Nay be Nay, and let our Yea be Nay as well."

10. Then there were the Corbynites who spake out, saying "We care not what happeneth, provided that we are given the keys to the Street of Downing."

11. And many of the advisers of May-sis fled in disarray, including Dominus the Raabi, who had still not determined what exactly he was supposed to be doing.

12. And May-sis sought for another adviser, and the lot fell upon St Stephen Bar-Clay, for he alone was slow off the mark while the others fled.

Finally, the voice of the Mogg is heard in the land.

13. So at last, there came the mighty voice of Jacob Gogg-Magogg, saying, "Well, actually, don't you know, mine honourable friend hath lost honour and I feel that, on balance, it is time to cast her into a deep pit filled with savage dogs."

14. Thus Gogg-Magogg wrote to the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922, saying, "Alas, my confidence in May-sis is departed. Here is a short list of 300 people who could do a better job."

15. And May-sis waited to see how many more letters were sent to the council of 1922: for her fate depended on this.

Continued in Chapter 15.