Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis

A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan, has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.

"Now he's really put his foot in it!"

"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.

His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman" and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best, and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."

Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it", "Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far. "He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.

Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.

Tributes to a great figure in theology

Thanks for the idea to an anonymous reader.

The Pontifical Academy for Life has just lamented a great loss to Catholicism in the following words:

Disappears a great figure in the theology of the century, whose ideas and analyzes must always make us reflect on the Catholic Church, the Churches, the society, the culture. #halking

Yes, the bells were tolling in the Vatican ("Küng-Küng-Küng") to mark the death of Hal King (alias Henry VIII), one of the few people to be awarded the title of "Defender of the Faith". Hal was known for his strong defence of the institution of marriage - he was so keen on it that he participated six times - as well as his pioneering work in modern surgery (removing the heads of people who no longer needed them) and his sterling work for the monasteries, which he took into public ownership as part of his charitable work.

Curiously, some people regarded Hal King as a heretic, and he was even forbidden to teach Catholic theology. It is hard to see why.

Defender of the Faith.

Father James Martin SJ concurs with the PAL in his assessment of the great man's life:

Breaking: German envoys are reporting that Hal King, a towering Catholic theologian and frequent critic of the church, has died at 55. May he rest in peace.

By overwhelming popular demand, a statue of King Hal will be erected in St Peter's Square, and luckily one was already available (he kept it in the gardens of Hampton Court and regularly went out to admire it).

The Statue of King Hal.

As the whole world mourns, we recall the time that the Pontifical Academy for Life paid tribute to the late Mr Genghis Khan, describing him as an "austere religious scholar". Surely, Hal King is also worthy of this heart-felt tribute?

Ealing Council wins prestigious Heinrich Himmler award

Following its decision to impose a "safe" zone round its flagship baby-slaughtering facility, Ealing Council has been enthusiastically awarded the prestigious Heinrich Himmler award by the Himmler Foundation for Mass Murder, Genocide and Holocausts. Previous winners have included Amnesty International, Planned Parenthood and the British Pregnancy Advisory Service.

Sorry, today's news is not a subject for laughs.

Apparently some good and honourable Ealing Councillors felt it very important to prevent desperate pregnant women from receiving any help, for they considered that they had a quota of little corpses to fulfil if they were to keep up their reputation as the most Sadistic Bastards in London. Doubtless, some troubled ladies were feeling harassed by aggressive cries of "Can we help you?" and "Don't worry, dear," not to mention being deafened by silent prayer.

Genghis Khan, Mayor of London (or is it George Galloway?)

Mayor Genghis Khan, rumoured to be a descendant of the great Mongol Emperor Sadiq Khan, sent his congratulations to Ealing. "This is the way London is going," he said, "and I hope that this will bring me lots of invitations from such wonderful people as Justin Trudeau and Leo Varadkar. Anything to get away from this poxy city, which is so violent that I have banned lethal weapons such as spoons and egg-cups, not to mention dangerous acids such as lemon juice and vinegar. And don't get me started on the subject of foreign immigrants!" Other felicitations came in from Ripper Jaq, the local MP, who has been campaigning for "safe" spaces around death zones for some time.

It is now expected that Ealing's triumph will be recognised worldwide, and that luminaries from ISIS and North Korea will be hoping to arrange visits "to see how killing can be made safe, efficient, and above all uninterrupted, so that a good time can be had by all."

"We soon got rid of prayer vigils outside Auschwitz, I can tell you!"

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. Then there came a great leader from the Western Lands, whose name was O-bam-a.

O-bam-a uttereth threats, yeah, even unto the fourth generation.

2. And O-bam-a spake, saying "I have a special relationship with the children of Britain. I love them, even as Les Dawson loved his mother-in-law."

3. "But should ye flee the land of EUgypt, then the first shall be last, and the last shall be first: that is to say, ye shall be at the back of the queue when it cometh to trade deals."

4. "No longer will ye be able to feast on the Cola that is Coke, nor the Mac that is big. Thus will ye starve."

5. And the people of Britain grew wrathful, saying, "What manner of man is it, that dareth to speak thus? And in six months from now, will not the Western Lands be ruled either by the Trump or the Clinton, whose only virtue is that they are not O-bam-a?"

6. Thus Cam-aaron's plan to keep the children of Britain in the land of EUgypt had taken a backward step.

7. Soon after this, his brother Bosis abandoned the city of Lon-don, where he was Governor. Thus the children of Lon-don appointed Sadiq Khan, the son of Genghis, to rule over them in his stead.

Khan, son of Genghis. Or possibly George, he that is called Galloway.

8. And Bosis continued to fight for Brexodus, while Cam-aaron continued to make threats.

9. "Woe unto ye if ye leave the land of EUgypt," said he. "For if ye do, there will be a great war the like of which ye have not seen before. The Assyrian will come down like the wolf on the fold."

10. "Further, the Hittites, the Thumpites and the Bashites will hit ye, thump ye, and bash ye."

11. "Also the bodysnatchers from outer space, the Klingons, the Daleks, and the triffids, shall join in a mighty war. Not to mention the Germanites."

A triffid prepareth to smite the unwary children of Britain.

12. And there, perhaps, he had a point. For the Germanites were clearly waiting for the children of Britain to leave EUgypt, so that they might smite the Franks again, as they had not done this for a few years.

13. But the people of Britain replied unto Cam-aaron, "Have a lie down, thou fool, for thou hast been working too hard."

Continued in Chapter 4.