The Code of the Moggs

"I say, Jeeves," I asked my faithful valet one morning, "what do you make of this Moggmania that everyone's talking about?"

"A perfectly normal reaction, sir," replied the f.v. "Mr Rees-Mogg has announced that he is an orthodox Catholic, and so he is pro-life and believes in traditional marriage. This seems to have struck a chord with many people."

Thugg versus Mogg.

"But dash it, I say, Jeeves, aren't there any clerics to do that sort of thing? Why should it be left to old Moggers?"

I should explain at this point that Moggers and I go back a long way. We were both inmates at Aubrey Upjohn's prep school at Bramley-on-Sea. I once won a prize for Scripture Knowledge, but only because Moggers was ill on the day of the test. Of course, he won the prize easily in all the other years.

After being released from Upjohn's asylum, Moggers and I toddled off to Eton together, and the old bean is now one of my best friends. We meet regularly at the Drones Club to throw buns at "cloudy" Welby and the other heretics.

Professor O'Regan (Divinity) compliments Moggers on his scriptural knowledge.

Still, I didn't expect him to end up as a great spiritual leader, like that boy Dolly Lama, or the Argentine exchange student "Chop Suey" Bergles.

"I'm afraid, sir, that clerics no longer promote Catholic values," explained Jeeves. "Cardinal Nichols, for example..."

"Never mind my Uncle Vincent," I snapped at Jeeves. "He's very much the black sheep of the family. We don't mention him in polite company."

"Very good, sir. By the way, I really would not advise those 'gay Muslim' socks. We do not wish to be mistaken for the Prime Minister of Canada, do we, sir?"

A male model shows off his 'gay Muslim' socks.

"Good Lord, Jeeves, I thought they were rather natty! But I dare say you're right. I don't want strange people following me in the street. Take the socks and give them to Uncle Vincent."

"Thank you, sir. By the way, there is a telegram for you."

I read the missal.

BERTIE YOU OLD NEO-PELAGIAN STOP I NEED TO BORROW JEEVES STOP GOT MYSELF INTO A FIX WITH THE CHILEANS STOP EVEN BEANS FAGGIOLI CAN'T SPIN THIS ONE STOP SEND JEEVES TO ROME AT ONCE STOP BE A GOOD EGG STOP BERGLES

"I haven't heard from 'Chop Suey' Bergles for years, Jeeves. What has become of him, I wonder?"

"I understand that he has become Pope, sir," replied my manservant. "There is some dispute about whether he received a certain letter."

"Now remember, Bergles, the letter is in your case."

"Oh, what a tangled something-or-other we weave, when first we tumty-tumty something, eh, Jeeves?"

"Indeed, sir. If you will permit me, I shall suggest to Pope Francis that he employ the tactics of Mr Rees-Mogg."

"Take up Catholicism, you mean?"

"Precisely, sir."

Eccles - the early years

I have been asked by Mary O'Regan to say a few words about my childhood, and to answer the questions:

What kind of child were you?
Are you a very different adult?

Possibly a very different Eccles, but still saved.

Regular readers who come here for spiritual nourishment will not be disappointed by the theme of this post - it tells how a distinctly naughty and unsaved child can nevertheless become a truly virtuous and saved adult. When Mary O'Regan gets fed up with Padre Pio, she can write about me instead.

I started writing rubbish at an early age: when I was six I had a piece published in the school magazine (yes, they were desperate for copy). It was a satirical story, supposedly written by the Cheshire cat, giving his own account of the meeting with Alice. As with all Eccles satire, it was probably very rude and naughty - I don't have a copy of it now - and you may think of Alice as an early victim of Eccles, someone like Catherine Pepinster, say.

A mere sockpuss.

One thing I remember about my early schooldays is that every Friday we had fish pie. It was disgusting. As P.G. Wodehouse would say, it was not made from happy and contented fish, but possibly from salmon and sturgeon that had just lost a crucial referendum. Although the food on the other days wasn't wonderful, it was the sufferings caused by fish pie that made me the soulful person I am today.

A young Eccles. Note the handsome ears, and the embryonic biretta.

I was also a rather naughty child with little respect for religion. As a teenager I got very interested in chemistry (like the present Pope, as it happens), and made some nitrogen iodide crystals. My friends and I felt that the school chapel could benefit from these, so just before a service we placed some on the floor near the lectern. In due course a senior boy went up to read the lesson, and trod on the crystals, which went CRACK and emitted violet fumes. I don't suppose that the Pope also did that sort of thing, but I can console myself that I was exploring alternative forms of worship, and so was probably acting in line with the Spirit of Vatican II.

Like incense, only it's purple and explodes.

So, I haven't really changed much from childhood to adulthood, except that now I am much more saved, so of course I don't leave nitrogen iodide in churches except on special occasions.

I am asked to recommend three more bloggers for the "when I were a lad" treatment. All the good one have probably been signed up by now, so I am choosing three bad bloggers instead: Cardinal Dolan, Tina Beattie, and Bishop Campbell of Lancaster. If anyone is in touch with these luminaries - I'm not - could they please mention that Eccles has called them to greatness? Thanks.

Yoof at the Catholic Herald

Meanwhile, the younger generation are firmly in command at the Catholic Herald with the appointment of 23-year-old Ed West as Deputy Editor.

Ed West.

Ed is author of The Diversity Illusion - why don't they all go home? which takes a critical look at immigration.

With his departure, the Telegraph blogs are looking somewhat diminished, but at least the staff were out in force to wave goodbye to the man they call "Mr Misery."

Thompson, Chivers, Hannan et al. say farewell.

An even younger recruit to the Catholic Herald is wunderkind Megan Hodder, aged 13 and only 4'6" tall. With her brilliant article, How those idiot atheists made me a Catholic, she has burst onto the scene as the only person in Year 8 to have read Aristotle, Aquinas, Dawkins and Little Women.

Madeleine Teahan, Mary O'Regan, Megan Hodder and 2 other Catholic Herald writers whose names begin with M.

Said veteran Catholic Herald journalist "Wild Bill" Oddie (age 83), "How can we old-timers hope to compete with such brilliant young people?"

The least-read Catholic blogs

It's that time of year when people give each other awards, such as Best Catholic blog involving donkeys, or perhaps Most influential political blog written by a failed politician, or indeed Religious blog written by the man with the best hair. So in the interests of fairness, it is time to recognise the little man (or woman) and name some of the least-read blogs.

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Fr Armand, a Trappist monk.

Father Armand has taken a ten-year vow of silence; nonetheless his hard-hitting but voiceless blogging is starting to make an impact. His comment "!!" on the Government's same-sex "marriage" proposals is widely regarded as the last word on the subject. Similarly, his carefully-reasoned opinion "????" on the sanity of Richard Dawkins has been widely quoted in psychiatric circles.

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Fr Hans Klunk, from the Foundation for Global Excess.

After being beaten at Scrabble by a young Josef Ratzinger in 1938, Fr Klunk has held a life-long hatred for our present Pope. Although ordained a priest, he is not allowed to talk about theology in his sermons, so he usually talks about subjects similar to those of his blog posts. Most recently: Ratzinger cheats at Scrabble, you know, What the Pope could learn from me about humility and How many divisions has the Pope caused?

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Beans on toast - as eaten by Father Xylophone.

Some of the best blogs spawn tribute blogs, and Fr Xylophone ("Fr X"), a devoted admirer of the great Fr Zuhlsdorf ("Fr Z"), has attempted to provide a blog that likewise will be read throughout the English-speaking world; however, he has failed lamentably. His most recent posts The day I spilled the beans on the floor, Quaeritur - will I go to Hell if my chasuble is the wrong color? and Can you give me some ideas for my next sermon? have won him an average weekly readership of 3.

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Margaret O'Tharg - interviewer extraordinaire.

Margaret O'Tharg (age 6) is the new voice in traditional Catholic journalism. A compulsive interviewer, she has decided to make her name by speaking to prominent Catholics, getting them to explain how their faith led them to support the Church's teaching on marriage, abortion, and sexual morals. She began with Tina Beattie, Enda Kenny, Fr Joe Ryan, and Patrick McLoughlin, but has not yet collected enough material for a blog post.

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A holey cheese.

Fr Cheddar, of the Diocese of Portsmouth, has long been convinced that many hymns could be improved by replacing all the nouns by names of cheeses. So far the seasonal efforts published on his blog include Silent Brie, Holy Brie and Hark! The Double Gloucesters sing. Many people have condemned him as a very silly man, but he is actually the one success among today's list of bloggers, since Paul Inwood's prestigious publishing company Magnificat Music has just agreed to publish some of his work under the title More cheesy hymns for today.