The Code of the Moggs

"I say, Jeeves," I asked my faithful valet one morning, "what do you make of this Moggmania that everyone's talking about?"

"A perfectly normal reaction, sir," replied the f.v. "Mr Rees-Mogg has announced that he is an orthodox Catholic, and so he is pro-life and believes in traditional marriage. This seems to have struck a chord with many people."

Thugg versus Mogg.

"But dash it, I say, Jeeves, aren't there any clerics to do that sort of thing? Why should it be left to old Moggers?"

I should explain at this point that Moggers and I go back a long way. We were both inmates at Aubrey Upjohn's prep school at Bramley-on-Sea. I once won a prize for Scripture Knowledge, but only because Moggers was ill on the day of the test. Of course, he won the prize easily in all the other years.

After being released from Upjohn's asylum, Moggers and I toddled off to Eton together, and the old bean is now one of my best friends. We meet regularly at the Drones Club to throw buns at "cloudy" Welby and the other heretics.

Professor O'Regan (Divinity) compliments Moggers on his scriptural knowledge.

Still, I didn't expect him to end up as a great spiritual leader, like that boy Dolly Lama, or the Argentine exchange student "Chop Suey" Bergles.

"I'm afraid, sir, that clerics no longer promote Catholic values," explained Jeeves. "Cardinal Nichols, for example..."

"Never mind my Uncle Vincent," I snapped at Jeeves. "He's very much the black sheep of the family. We don't mention him in polite company."

"Very good, sir. By the way, I really would not advise those 'gay Muslim' socks. We do not wish to be mistaken for the Prime Minister of Canada, do we, sir?"

A male model shows off his 'gay Muslim' socks.

"Good Lord, Jeeves, I thought they were rather natty! But I dare say you're right. I don't want strange people following me in the street. Take the socks and give them to Uncle Vincent."

"Thank you, sir. By the way, there is a telegram for you."

I read the missal.

BERTIE YOU OLD NEO-PELAGIAN STOP I NEED TO BORROW JEEVES STOP GOT MYSELF INTO A FIX WITH THE CHILEANS STOP EVEN BEANS FAGGIOLI CAN'T SPIN THIS ONE STOP SEND JEEVES TO ROME AT ONCE STOP BE A GOOD EGG STOP BERGLES

"I haven't heard from 'Chop Suey' Bergles for years, Jeeves. What has become of him, I wonder?"

"I understand that he has become Pope, sir," replied my manservant. "There is some dispute about whether he received a certain letter."

"Now remember, Bergles, the letter is in your case."

"Oh, what a tangled something-or-other we weave, when first we tumty-tumty something, eh, Jeeves?"

"Indeed, sir. If you will permit me, I shall suggest to Pope Francis that he employ the tactics of Mr Rees-Mogg."

"Take up Catholicism, you mean?"

"Precisely, sir."

The Pope's new Beatitudes

1. And FRANCIS went up unto a high place, namely the Alitalia flight from Malmo to Rome, and spake these words.

The Sermon in the Plane.

2. Blessed are they who look to the right and to the left before crossing the road: for the years of their life shall be lengthened.

3. Blessed are they who recycle their bottles, and do not simply throw them out of the window at passers-by, as do the heathen.

4. Blessed are they who clean their teeth after meals, for their mouths shall shine forth with the Light of the Lord.

Fail.

5. Blessed are they who turn off their heating, and dwell in the houses that are frozen; and blessed are they who walk or cycle to their labours rather than taking the chariots of fire: for they shall be called the children of the Earth, and feel very smug about the whole thing.

6. Blessed are they who wear organic, low-fat, locally sourced, hand-knitted, gluten-free, Fairtrade, free-range socks: for their feet shall bring joy to the world.

Blessed feet in holy socks!

7. Blessed are they who stand in an aeroplane, and speak words from their hearts, even if these words do not come from the head: for someone will be on hand to correct, explain, and interpret their utterances.

8. Trust me, I know all about this.

New hymns 6 - While Shepherds Watched

In this slot we have previously invited along John Henry Newman, King David, Charles Wesley, Christina Rossetti, and William Williams to attend master-classes on how to write a good "modern" hymn. Today, we are pleased to welcome Nahum Tate, Poet Laureate (from 1692 to 1715), and author of "While shepherd watched their flocks by night".

At least one of these is Nahum Tate.

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.

Other versions are available.

Eccles: Whoah! Stop! You've got something there that looks like poetry. What's more it makes sense, and tells a story. In fact the whole hymn is recognisable as a faithful rendering of Luke 2, verses 8 to 14.

Nahum: Sorry, Eccles, I produced this carol before your previous master-classes on hymn-writing. Can you suggest some improvements?

Eccles: We could go for the Bernadette Farrell treatment, maybe, as seen in "Christ be our Light". You make things sound gloomy and depressing, but we know that, since we are socially-aware Tablet readers, it must be someone else's fault.

Out in the fields, shepherds are freezing,
Out in the cold, shepherds have woes,
Some of them coughing, some of them sneezing,
And one with a runny nose.
CHORUS: Christ be our light, etc.

Nahum: When do we get to the angel of the Lord and his message of Good News?

Eccles: Probably, never. We have another three verses about how there was a leak in the roof of the shepherds' hovel, one of them had a blister on his toe, and...

I'm allergic to wool, but does anyone care?

Nahum: Well, I really wanted to mention the shepherds, sheep, angel and Baby. Could we do it more punchily?

Watch, Shepherds, Watch, Keep an eye on your cuddly lambkins;
Baa, Muttons, Baa, Do whatever sheep do;
Shine, Angel, Shine, Tell the Good News to all the shepherds;
Cry, Baby, Cry, They are off to see you...

Eccles: I like it, but it does sound vaguely familiar. Can't think why...

God threatens to sue Fr Rosica

From: Messrs Tort, Tort, Malfeasance and Tort, barristers and solicitors.

To: Father Tommy Rosica of the Salt and Vinegar Corporation.

Dear Father Rosica,

We have been retained by God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit (hereinafter referred to as the Trinity) in relation to various of your public pronouncements that have been judged to be false, defamatory, or both.

This is a preliminary notice, and our clients reserve the right to require your soul of you and send you to the Lake of Fire, without the necessity of any further warning.

These are some of your public statements to which we take exception:

Defamatory.

In particular, you did insult the Mother of Christ by describing the Holy Family of Nazareth as "irregular". Apart from charges of blasphemy, with which our clients will proceed when you reach the Day of Judgement, we should point out that you are bringing God the Son's Church into disrepute by trivialising the principle of Verbum Caro Factum Est, and you are undermining our clients' teaching on marriage as an indissoluble bond made between a man and a woman.

Disgraceful.

Furthermore, you did label Cardinal Burke and his associates, by implication, as "dissenters", for upholding Christian teaching. This again may be regarded as a direct attack on our clients in Heaven, who have incurred serious damage to their reputation and the probable loss of many souls as a result of your careless words.

Moreover, you did threaten a harmless blogger, Vox Cantoris, with legal action after he made critical comments about your activities. This also undermines the Christian^TM principles in which our clients have an interest. We are prepared to argue in court that the legal maxim of Loftus Hereticus Toleratus - whereby a well-known comedian can persuade some people to take him seriously no matter what he says - does not apply in your case.

Our clients are waiting to hear from you.

Your offences are all the more culpable, as you appear to be in a position of power and influence in the Vatican, and thus your words may be construed as carrying some sort of official endorsement from our clients. This you have never obtained, and although you have on several occasions attempted to address our clients by means of prayers, you have taken no notice of their response.

In short, our clients demand that you put a sock in it, Rosica.

Yours truly,
Nina Tort.

---

BREAKING NEWS. The Trinity's solicitors are also writing to Cardinal Baldisseri, concerning the theft of copies of a book authored by five senior cardinals, which was sent to all participants at last year's Extraordinary Synod on the Family. The book, "The New Testament", by Cardinals Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Paul (with additional material by some trusted colleagues), was a complete answer to the fantasies of Cardinal Kasper. It is suspected that Cardinal Baldisseri wished to hide this book from synod participants, many of whom would not have read it.

"The New Testament? Never heard of it!"

Are atheists more handsome?

After failing to convince people that atheists were statistically more intelligent than "faith-heads" - which of course would instantly prove that all religion was a load of rubbish - Prof. Richard Dawkins has come up with another devastating argument for his beliefs. Yes, it seems that atheists are more handsome than religious people.

A typically handsome atheist.

We should contrast the above picture with one of a typically ugly Christian. Whoever I choose, I am going to be told off for a lack of gallantry, so let's pick the lovely Dena O'Callaghan, billed as a "woman Catholic priest", whatever that may be.

Dena - she has the Dr Who scarf, but she wasn't chosen as an assistant.

The aesthetic argument does not exhaust the wide array of anti-God logic that Richard Dawkins has at his disposal. Statistically, atheists are better athletes and better cooks, they win more prizes for vegetable marrows at country fairs, and of course they tell funnier jokes.

A giant atheist marrow, probably. (Someone please check!)

Says Dawkins: "Christians, Muslims, Jews and the rest are very much stuck in the dark ages. Many of them can't even read. Trust me, I'm a retired professor of zoology and I know about these things."

A typical Christian - wrote the Bible, but knew nothing of genetics.

However, Richard Dawkins's latest comments to his millions of adoring fans are starting to irritate even moderate atheists. Said one, "Clearly, Christians are uglier and less intelligent than atheists, with the possible exception of Giles Fraser. No Guardian-reader would ever disagree! But when Richard says that they smell funny, refuse to change their socks, and break wind in public, it is hard to translate this into a direct argument for the non-existence of God."

Hmm, there's a funny smell in here. Can it be one of those Christians?

Religious leader talks about salvation

It has come as a great shock to many that Richard Dawkins, the Unholy Father or Chief Atheist, has broken an uncharacteristically long silence of approximately two hours in order to reveal ex cathedra that Damnation is not the exclusive preserve of atheists.

Richard Dawkins - voted the world's top drinker (H/T JabbaPapa).

Many people have misunderstood Dawkins's position on eschatology - they assumed, wrongly, that Damnation, Hell, Exclusion from God, Oblivion, The Lake of Fire, Scunthorpe (call it what you will) was the sole preserve of atheists, and that Christians would be left out. However, Dawkins has made it clear that Christians are also allowed to be evil, selfish, unrepentantly vindictive bastards, and so there is no reason to suppose that they will all be excluded.

Fr Green - definitely at risk.

We were wondering how to illustrate this post with a photo of a Christian who was definitely at risk of Damnation, and in the end we picked on Fr Green from the parish of Cluedo, who spends much of his time wandering round large mansions, sneaking into the billiard room, and hitting innocent parishioners over the head with lead piping. To our inexpert eyes, this sounds like the behaviour of an unsaved person, especially since he shows no signs of repentance.

But we should leave the last word with Professor Dawkins, biologist and amateur theologian, whose book The God Delusion is shortly to be made into a film with Tom Hanks playing the part of Dawkins. "The biggest problem I face at present is that I can never find two socks that match. Look, the variety of different socks in the world proves that they were created by evolution, and not by some sky-fairy creature. I'm damned if I know what to do about it."

Renowned Professor and beautiful Mrs Dawkins flee from a debate with William Lane Craig.

Hans Küng writes for the Tablet

We are honoured to be able to print excerpts from Hans Küng's article Don't let spring turn to winter, as published in that well-known organ of dissent, the Tablet.

Hans Küng shocks Catherine Pepinster with the news that the Pope is a papist.

When Jorge Bergoglio took the name Francis as Pope, he did something no pontiff has done before: put himself in the historical tradition of St Francis of Assisi, a simple man who despised Catholic traditions and promoted divorce, abortion and homosexuality. As I wrote in my famous book Pope Benedict ate my hamster, the Catholic church needs to look at some of the key Biblical figures, such as Jezebel, Belshazzar and Herod, and ask itself why it no longer follows in their footsteps.

Belshazzar's Feast - surely this is what the Mass should really be like?

When the men in white coats came for me on my eighty-fifth birthday, they carried me and my life-sized statue into a dark room in the Tübingen Infirmary, and said, "Hans, just relax; you can stop worrying about Pope Benedict, he's resigned." For me a new spring had dawned, tra-la, and the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la, promised a summer of roses and wine.

It is astonishing for me to see how Pope Francis has taken a different path from his predecessor. For him, no sugar in his coffee, only a black-and-white television set, brown shoes rather than red ones, and a cassock in need of darning.

The sock of Pope Francis - a truly holey man.

Francis is a Pope who demonstrates that he is a man with his feet on the ground - unlike the chap I won't mention who refused to restore my permission to teach Catholic theology. (Which is why I was forced to send this article to the Tablet rather than a Catholic newspaper!)

So the advent of Pope Francis signals a time for reform. I have already sent him my 96-point plan, written in the finest green ink, outlining our expectations for a total change of doctrine on euthanasia, the ordination of women, birth control, murder, adultery, theft, bearing false witness, and so on. If he doesn't respond, then he knows what to expect - a new book called Pope Francis - spawn of Satan, which will subtly express my disagreement with him on some matters of doctrine.

Time for your nap, now, Hans. You can write another book when you wake up.

Dr Hans Küng is honorary president of the Pan-Galactic Ethics Foundation. His most recent book, 200 ways to annoy a retired Pope is published by the Heresy Press.

I gets a Lobster award

Dis probabbly aint as spiritaully nuorishin as my usual posts, but Bruvver Ben Trovato has given me a lobster award, wot is sposed to help poeple wiv bloggs wot noboddy reads. Thanks, Ben.

A lobster.

O.K. Let's follow de instructoins.

1. Post the Liebster award graphic on your site.

2. Thank the blogger who nominated the blog for a Liebster Award and link back to their blog. Done that.

3. The blogger then writes 11 facts about himself or herself so people who discover his or her blog through the Liebster post will learn more about him or her.

(i) I is probabbly a saved pusson.
(ii) Bosco is my big bruvver, but he's a little crazy.
(iii) Anti Moly is my grate-ant from Austriala, and is very crazy.
(iv) I lives in Notting Hell.
(v) I writes a spiritaully nuorishin blogg, but poeple 
keeps findin jokes in it.
(vi) All my jokes is stolen.
(vii) I has got a secret crush on Tina Beattie.
(viii) I changes my socks once a month, whether I needs to or not.

De socks of a saved pusson.

(ix) My Latin aint bad, but my English sometimes has sutble erorrs.
(x) I has got a secretary called Ecclesiam wot corrects my 
spellin sometimes.
(xi) Richard Dakwins asked me to be his spiritaul director.

4. In addition to posting 11 fun facts about themselves, nominated bloggers should also answer the 11 questions from the post of the person who nominated them.

(i) What inspired the title of your blog? 
Being told by Bosco dat he was a saved pusson.
(ii) Why should people read your blog? 
Spiritaul nuorishment.
(iii) What is your personal favourite post on your blog? 
Of recent ones, I've got a little list aint bad.
(iv) What has been the most popular (most viewed) post on your blog? 
Not sure why, but Zany New BBC Comedies has had about 4,500 hits.
(v) Which post on your blog has attracted most comments? 
I don't get many comments, but Rent-a-troll has got 51 so far.
(vi) What other hobbies or interests (beyond blogging) are you 
prepared to admit to?
Being saved, taking baths, eating pizzas.
(vii) What are your hopes for the new pontificate? 
Dat's too profuond for me.
(viii) Where is your favourite place of pilgrimage, and why? 
St Pancras statoin, cos I likes it.

A sacred place.

(ix) Who is your favourite spiritual author, and why? 
Damain Thopmson, cos he knows all about custard.
(x) Which of these questions did you find it most difficult 
to answer? 
Number (iii) cos on second thuoghts I prefers anuvver one.
(xi) Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the 
Communist Party? 
Nope, but I once voted for de loonies.

5. The nominated blogger will in turn, nominate 9 other blogs with 200 or less followers for a Liebster award by posting a comment on their blog and linking back to the Liebster post. Well, some has probbably been done alreddy, and some may have more than 200, but how about:

Costing not less than everything, 
All along the watchtower, 
Brother Lapin's pilgrimage,
Ragazzagallese,
Sky-fairy myth believing cretins,
The path less taken,
Whistling sentinel,
Bara Brith,
One more to be chosen (currently Sede vacante).

6. The nominated blogger will create 11 questions for his or her nominated blogs to answer in their Liebster post.

(i) Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
(ii) How many roads must a man walk down?
(iii) How long is a piece of string? 
(iv) Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? 
(v) Why did the chicken cross the road? 
(vi) Who is the fairest of them all? 
(vii) What shall we do with the drunken sailor? 

A difficult question to answer.

(viii) To be or not to be? 
(ix) How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck 
could chuck wood?
(x) Where did you get that hat?
(xi) What's in a name?