Pope Francis annuls all marriages

As a special gesture to celebrate the Year of Mercy, Pope Francis has declared that all marriages contracted by Catholics are now null and void. Fed up with handling numerous claims for annulment, the Holy Father has in characteristic style cut all the red tape and granted freedom to all previously-married couples.

A happy couple celebrate the Pope's decision.

As a special bargain offer, those couples who did not really want an annulment (believed to be a small minority) will be allowed to remarry free of charge.

Said one unhappy husband, Fred Cheese, "We've been together now for 40 years, and it don't seem a day too much. There ain't a lady livin' in the land as I'd swop for my dear old Dutch." However, his wife, Dutch Cheese, replied "Er, don't count your chickens, Fred. If we remarry you can start doing the cleaning, for a start."

It is not clear where this leaves the General Synod on the Family, as, from now on, there aren't any families. Once again the Pope has solved a knotty problem in his own unique style.

The Irish chalk and cheese referendum

In the UK we have already seen Equal Nutrition imposed without any opportunity for the public to vote on the issue. In Ireland they are holding a referendum on the subject, and it seems that all major political parties support the idea that chalk and cheese should be legally equal.

A chalk cake. Bakers who refuse to make these are sued for all they've got.

Supporters of the family have naturally been concerned about the consequences for children, arguing that a child "needs its proteins and carbohydrates." The "yes" voters, who claim that feeding a child on chalk is just as good, have a powerful counter-argument: they scream "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!" until everyone goes home in disgust.

On this blog we are generally concerned with spiritually nourishing matters rather than simple bodily nourishment, and so we look to Christianity for guidance. Apparently, Christ never directly condemned the eating of chalk - which means it must be OK - but on the other hand He refused to feed the 5,000 on it, instead relying on an old-fashioned and probably bigoted diet of bread and fish (i.e., carbohydrate and protein).

I DEMAND that you give me chalk, you bigot!

Isaiah does mention chalk, but in a typically Old Testament bigoted way, for he says "He maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder." This is supposed to be the origin of Judeo-Christian persecution of chalk-eaters, but since it is in the Old Testament we may ignore it, just as we ignore the Ten Commandments.

On the other hand, Christ preached against offering children stones when they ask for fish, so that makes Him a "bigot" too.

An old-fashioned child, eating cheese. He also has a "mother", so is doubly bigoted.

Prime Minister Enda Life has called for Ireland to become a "fair, compassionate and tolerant nation" by feeding its children on chalk. Enda is of course very keen on the protection of life, and so he brought in abortion legislation in order to eradicate as much life as possible. For those unfamiliar with the language of politicians, we note that "protection" here is used in the sense of a "protection racket", where gangsters protect someone by burning down their houses. Enda feels that destroying the lives of children by giving them a chalk-based upbringing will give them all the protection they need.

Enda explains to a delighted baby that he will be brought up on a diet of chalk.

Liturgy for G. K. Chesterton

Special Liturgy for the Feast of Gilbert of Beaconsfield (May 29th)

The opening words

Priest, Fr Brown (for it is he): I'm sorry, but the 
bishop's late. He missed the train.
People: The only way to be sure of catching a train is 
to miss the one before it.
Priest: The bishop comes from Birmingham...
People: By way of Beachy Head.

Naught for your comfort: the bishop was last seen here.

Reading from Holy Scripture
John 2:1-11, the story of the turning of water into wine.

The prayers

Priest: We pray for the canonization of St Gilbert.
People: It has not been tried and found wanting; 
it has been found difficult and not tried.
Priest: We shall now have a moment of silent prayer.
Deacon: The poets have been mysteriously 
silent on the subject of cheese.
Priest: Ssshhh!

A subject for prayer and contemplation.

Priest: It isn't that they can't see the solution... 
People: It is that they can't see the problem.
Priest: If a thing is worth doing... 
People: It is worth doing badly.
Priest: A dead thing can go with the stream...
People: But only a living thing can go against it.

The Dismissal

Priest: The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, 
and also to love our enemies...
People: Probably because they are generally the same people.
Priest: Will someone take me to a pub?
People: Good idea!

Our soon-to-be patron saint with his own Luvvly (Frances) Blogg.

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.

Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys.

The least-read Catholic blogs

It's that time of year when people give each other awards, such as Best Catholic blog involving donkeys, or perhaps Most influential political blog written by a failed politician, or indeed Religious blog written by the man with the best hair. So in the interests of fairness, it is time to recognise the little man (or woman) and name some of the least-read blogs.

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Fr Armand, a Trappist monk.

Father Armand has taken a ten-year vow of silence; nonetheless his hard-hitting but voiceless blogging is starting to make an impact. His comment "!!" on the Government's same-sex "marriage" proposals is widely regarded as the last word on the subject. Similarly, his carefully-reasoned opinion "????" on the sanity of Richard Dawkins has been widely quoted in psychiatric circles.

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Fr Hans Klunk, from the Foundation for Global Excess.

After being beaten at Scrabble by a young Josef Ratzinger in 1938, Fr Klunk has held a life-long hatred for our present Pope. Although ordained a priest, he is not allowed to talk about theology in his sermons, so he usually talks about subjects similar to those of his blog posts. Most recently: Ratzinger cheats at Scrabble, you know, What the Pope could learn from me about humility and How many divisions has the Pope caused?

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Beans on toast - as eaten by Father Xylophone.

Some of the best blogs spawn tribute blogs, and Fr Xylophone ("Fr X"), a devoted admirer of the great Fr Zuhlsdorf ("Fr Z"), has attempted to provide a blog that likewise will be read throughout the English-speaking world; however, he has failed lamentably. His most recent posts The day I spilled the beans on the floor, Quaeritur - will I go to Hell if my chasuble is the wrong color? and Can you give me some ideas for my next sermon? have won him an average weekly readership of 3.

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Margaret O'Tharg - interviewer extraordinaire.

Margaret O'Tharg (age 6) is the new voice in traditional Catholic journalism. A compulsive interviewer, she has decided to make her name by speaking to prominent Catholics, getting them to explain how their faith led them to support the Church's teaching on marriage, abortion, and sexual morals. She began with Tina Beattie, Enda Kenny, Fr Joe Ryan, and Patrick McLoughlin, but has not yet collected enough material for a blog post.

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A holey cheese.

Fr Cheddar, of the Diocese of Portsmouth, has long been convinced that many hymns could be improved by replacing all the nouns by names of cheeses. So far the seasonal efforts published on his blog include Silent Brie, Holy Brie and Hark! The Double Gloucesters sing. Many people have condemned him as a very silly man, but he is actually the one success among today's list of bloggers, since Paul Inwood's prestigious publishing company Magnificat Music has just agreed to publish some of his work under the title More cheesy hymns for today.