An unreligious baggage writes about Christmas

A guest post from Apollyon Toynbee of the Guardian.

Christmas comes with good cheer. The tragedy is the religious baggage.

I love Christmas! It's the time of year that all we Guardian writers are filled with good cheer, as we migrate to our villas in Tuscany and take part in all the usual traditions. Hot cross buns! Easter eggs! Drinking ourselves sensible!

I watch "It's a pretty rotten life", that movie in which a rich capitalist decides to kill himself, and we all cheer him on. (I turn off before the last bit, which is about a fascist creature called an angel, who stops him.)

I also watch "A Christmas Carol" in a special feminist version in which Ms. Scroogy goes to Bob Snatchit's House and steals all his food becase he is a SEXIST PIG.

No religion in any of these films, you will notice!

Disgusting!

No, it's the attempt by Christians to hijack the event with their nonsense about a baby being born in Nazareth, or wherever it was. Why, they've even hijacked the traditional name "Christmas", deciding to call their imaginary baby "Christ". I haven't gone into this in detail, but it seems that they also worship other imaginary children called East and Pente!

My atheist great-grandfather, Gilbert N. Sullivan, a classical scholar and also president of the humanists, called Christmas “Mithras' birthday”, because Jesus usurped this winter festival from him. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that!) Of course the shops refused to sell him Mithras' Birthday cards, which just goes to show the level of bigotry in our society.

And don't get me onto the subject of the three "kings" bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh, when - so they tell me - ordinary citizens can't afford these luxuries and have to rely on myrrh banks! I blame Rishi Sunak.

In general, I am very tolerant of religions, provided that they are practised behind closed doors where nobody can see them. (And no cheating by making silent prayers in the streets! My friends in the Police have stocked up with tear gas, rubber bullets and tasers, just in case anyone tries to pray while thinking - or do I mean tries to think while praying?)

The anti-prayer task force has spotted a lady praying silently!

No, at this time of year I show my religious sensitivity by wishing all my Muslim friends a "Happy Hanukkah", since I know that in their gurdwaras they are celebrating that moment - sacred to them at least - when Krishna did whatever it is he did.

Admittedly, they sometimes utter a discreet "Ali Baba!" ("God is great") as they go about their traditional stabbing activities, but we can overlook such solecisms because we all believe in diversity!

Confucius he say "This is brilliant, Polly!"

Christianity is the worst, though. I dug into the Guardian bag of insults and out came "homophobic", "transphobic", "pro-life", "preaching" and "smashing and decapitating a vast statue of Athena". So there we are!

Give me the badly behaved quarrelsome gods of Valhalla, the Greeks and Romans. (Hang on, Eccles, she really said that as well!)

But worst of all, is the fact that organized religion has robbed us of the right to bump off Grandad when he's being a nuisance (The "right to die"). A lot of these do-gooders wear crosses - an instrument of torture - but whenever I suggest to them that I should be allowed to crucify Grandad Gilbert, who has a nasty dose of arthritis, they hurriedly change the subject.

So Christmas comes with good cheer, enjoy it. But know that it also comes with grandparents - I mean, religious baggage - that we should shed!

Will this do? I have recycled some of the best bits from my 2006, 2015, 2019 and 2021 articles on the subject, but there are one or two new bits as well. Apollyon.

From the desk of Katharine Viner (Editor). Not bad, Polly, but couldn't you have mentioned the fact that Christianity was invented by bronze age goatherds like C.S. Lewis (I think it was)? Love, Kathy.

Britain is going to Hell, so let's help it along, says report

After two years of detailed analysis, a fancy commission, chaired by the retired judge Baroness Butler-Sloss, has noticed that, by and large Britain is going to Hell.

However, the brilliant Butler-Sloss team (including Rowan Williams, the former Archbishop of Canterbury) has found the solution: help it on its way!

Who produced this criminally stupid report?

* Kids aren't learning about Christianity? Then make sure they are taught less and less about Christianity!

* We are overwhelmed by people who, although they are not Muslims, bruv, do like killing people while shouting "Allahu Akbar!"? Then let's ask ISIS to send us more of the same, introduce Sharia law, and force all women to wear burkas!

* Faith schools are vaguely religious? Close them down, we can't have some people believing different things from others! We know how good bad Diversity is!

* Thought for the Day is watered down so much that it's hard to find any religious content? Then let's introduce some specifically non-religious thoughts for the day! Perhaps Richard Dawkins with his "abort the Downs kids"? Or Polly Toynbee?

The new-look Thought for the Day

* People aren't going to church? Then extend Sunday trading and make it more difficult for people to go to church!

* Our churches are led by a bunch of self-serving weeds who don't really believe in God? Then let's appoint some specifically secular bishops!

* Marriage and the family are being totally undermined? Then let's destroy marriage and the family by allowing people to marry their uncles, aunts, household pets and washing machines!

A washing-machine gives birth to a baby. Note that it emerges fully clothed.

The Butler-Sloss approach to "fixing broken Britain" obviously has many applications in everyday life.

My car has a puncture. Have you thought about sticking needles into the tyres?

My house is flooded as a result of the recent rains. We recommend turning on a few taps and emptying some bottles of water over the floor.

"It's not working. We need more water!"

There is a famous retired judge who, every time she says something, makes me want to bite the carpet. Why not get her to chair a commission, so that she has the opportunity to make her views more widely known? Meanwhile, make sure you stock up on carpets!

Yes, that seems to be the answer.

Polly Toynbee on the right to massacre

On massacres, the media need to reflect what is happening in the real world

An edited version of a Guardian article by Polly Toynbee.

Here we go again, the never-ending story of the rightwing newspapers' campaign to roll back the right to massacre. The front page of the Sunday Times is at it once again today: "Record number of people manage to stay alive", which will, it says, "revive the debate over the right to massacre". Right on cue, up pops Tory MP Fiona Bruce of the all-party pro-life group to say, "I don’t understand why there is not more outcry about the fact that we allow viable people to be massacred.”

Should crazy people who wear pyjamas in public be protected?

The fact that some people are not massacred has nothing to do with a woman's right to choose: if a woman does not wish to be a mother, a daughter, a niece, even simply a neighbour, then she has the right to massacre anyone she does not wish to put up with.

What is remarkable about this non-stop stream of anti-massacre stories is how far out of line the rightwing press is with the real world of their readers. It's true that we don't see more than one or two massacres a week around Toynbee Towers in Lewes, nor even at the Castello Politoynbi in Tuscany, but, looking to Africa and the Middle East as our examples, as all good Guardian-readers should, we see that massacres are very, very ordinary, and a mark of civilisation.

Protecting the right to massacre.

A study from the University of California has been looking at TV and movie treatment of massacre: needless to say, they find it makes money, since people want to see on screen a reflection of what they hope for in their daily lives. However, the portrayal of massacres is generally negative. No heroine can commit an angst-free massacre.

We can learn a lesson from Texas!

Look at the flow of anti-massacre stories just in the Mail in the past months, and these are only a selection: "Cameron reacts angrily to ISIS genocide with visit to fish market", "Obama refuses to support massacre of Christians, as he heads for golf course".

The real campaign is to normalise the law in line with attitudes and behaviour. No need for a doctor to authorise a massacre, no need for an late "cut-off" date for decapitations. For the third of women who are likely to murder their families, it remains a stigma few dare discuss openly. Time for the world to catch up with the Guardian approach to an everyday medical fact.

Anti-massacres - bringing us back to the Victorian age.

Dawkins reads us a fairy story

"Read me a fairy story, Uncle Richard," said Polly, age 6. "I need to improve my critical thinking before bedtime."

Kind Uncle Richard.

"Certainly, darling," replied her kind uncle. "That's what fairy stories are for. Would you like the funny one about the selfish gene, or the scary tale of the blind watchmaker?"

"Oh no, uncle," exclaimed the little girl. "Can we have the story of Dr Know-All? Or the story of the Professor's New Clothes?"

A bit too close to home...

"Well, I could read you something from my autobiography, I suppose," said the learned professor. "There's the fascinating story of how I spent twenty minutes reading the Bible and became an instant expert on theology."

"No, that's too fantastical. I know, let's have Snow White!"

Christians* will tell you that Snow White's story was literally true.

*Or possibly just Sola Scriptura Christians.

"Yes, all right. Once upon a time there was an evil pope, with a magic mirror. He would ask it daily, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the brainiest of them all?' and the mirror would reply 'You are, O Pope.'

But one day, the mirror gave a different answer. 'O Pope, you are indeed very clever, and you have read the Bible, the works of Augustine and Aquinas, and even the Vatican II documents. But there is a young man called Snow Dawkins, who is yet cleverer than you!'

A FACE appears in the pope's magic mirror.

So the pope determines to dispose of Snow Dawkins, and tells a huntsman to take him into the woods and kill him. But the huntsman, who is an atheist and therefore much kinder and compassionate than Christians are, abandons him alive in the woods.

After wandering around, Snow Dawkins comes to a hut inhabited by seven dwarves, called Grayling, Toynbee, Sanderson, Harris, Pullman, Hawking, and Fry. They sing a jolly song, "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it's off to church we go!" since, like Snow Dawkins, they claim to be secular Christians and cultural Anglicans (not to mention atheist Muslims, militant Buddhists, and bullfighting Hindus).

In a cultural, secular way, Dawkins and friends follow the Egyptian gods too.

Later, the magic mirror tells the evil pope that Snow Dawkins is still alive and doing very brainy experiments in his hut in the woods. He disguises himself as an old man and gives Snow Dawkins a poisoned apple. Of course, Snow Dawkins is very intelligent and knows instantly that the apple is poisoned; nonetheless he eats the apple as part of a much deeper plan, such as only an atheist could think of.

Something told Dawkins that the apple was unsafe to eat.

When the dwarves return, they place Snow Dawkins in a glass coffin. Now Polly, dear, this is obviously where the Bible story of Jesus originated: we clever atheists know that Jesus wasn't really dead, and anyway he never existed. It was a sky fairy tale told by bronze-age goatherds, who didn't have the critical abilities of a 21st-century professor of biology.

To continue - the dwarves carry Snow Dawkins to the evil pope's palace, where the shaking dislodges the apple from his throat, and he recovers. Enraged by the failure of his plan the evil pope drops dead.

So Dawkins marries a handsome princess - well, three altogether, at various times - and lives happily ever after."

"What a lovely story, Uncle Richard!"

"Now I do hope this story is not fostering supernaturalism in your mind, Polly, dear?"

"Oh no, Uncle, it has simply helped me develop critical thinking, and to learn to see through a certain class of falsehoods. Now I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... zzzz...."

Zzzzzzz....

Why I Love Liberal Catholics

Following Fr Dwight Longenecker's piece Why I Love Trad Catholics, we have come across a companion piece that he decided not to write.

A liberal Mass. Note that the Cross is replaced by something Greener.

One of the riches of the Catholic Church is her unity and diversity. Within the Catholic big tent we have many who accept the Church's teaching - informed by scripture and tradition - but there are also many who want to make up their own rules, because they know better.

Do you really need to follow Christ to call yourself a Christian?

What liberal Catholics have concluded is that all this stuff about "eternal verities" is simply nonsense. It is the duty of the Church to adapt to the Spirit of the Age. We mustn't get left behind, trying to teach something different, must we? People might think of us as "different" from atheists, cranky, even. They might even stop inviting us to fashionable dinner parties!

St Paul - wrote nothing important.

Liberal Catholics understand that we have to rewrite our religion from scratch. Out goes all that old-fashioned stuff believed by Christ, the Apostles, the Saints and Martyrs, the Popes, and lots of other dead people. We have to find new religious teachers: Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, David Cameron, Barack Obama, and Polly Toynbee! Only by taking a little wisdom from each of these sages can we move forward.

"Let us pray." Pol replaces Paul.

Now, if you want to understand modern liberal Catholicism, you need to watch the BBC, or read the Guardian. Remember even Jesus, in one of His more advanced moments, said, And you shall know the comments, and the comments shall make you free (John 8:32). He saw that one day His teachings would be superseded. The teachings of Alan Rusbridger are more modern, and their scriptural authority is undeniable, since the writers are all still alive, and can be located in your nearest nursing home.

Of course liberal Catholics do not reject all moral teaching: adultery, murder, and false witness may no longer be sinful, but we must still condemn all bigoted attempts to impose ideas of sexual morality, any attempts to obstruct Choice, and the denial of climate change.

Forgive us our carbon dioxide, and deliver us from climate change.

I realize that traditionalists may not appreciate my take on the matter, but like it or not, the second Vatican Council has taken place. And although nobody ever talks about what it decided, God (if you don't mind my using an old-fashioned term) has sent His Spirit of Vatican II to tell us what it should have decided, and liberal Catholics are in the vanguard of inventing new things that could have been decided.

The vernacular Mass is now accepted as the Ordinary Form, and modern liberal Catholics see this as an opportunity for further development of the rite. Since most of them don't attend Mass very often, anyway, they cannot get used to the new translation, and so they have invited Kevin Mishmash, the publisher of Walk in the Light, Follow Me, and so much more, to produce a version without any of the hard words.

Do your hymns make people ill? If so, Kevin Mishmash may want to publish them.

Out goes: We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.

In comes:

We believe, We believe, We believe, 
That the Father's been making things!
Earth and Heaven, Heaven and Earth, 
The Father's been making things!
Things that we see, things that we don't.
The Father's been making things! Yeah!

© 2014 Kevin Mishmash.

I, for one, am glad that the liberals are there to interpret Catholicism as it was never interpreted before. They are a gift to the whole church.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 1 - Eccles writes

It has been observed that this blog is a little too serious sometimes, as it endeavours to give its readers spiritual nourishment and theological teaching, as well as guidance on hymns and up-to-date religious gossip news. So, inspired by another great blog, we are starting a very exciting serial, which will appear here from time to time. Each instalment will be written by a different person. Today, it is Eccles. Next time it may be his brother Bosco, or Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor, or A.C. Grayling. Wait and see!

A.C. Grayling and a young Richard Dawkins discuss why atheists need honey.

Dis is de story of Eccles, wot is a saved pusson, but who never misses an opportunitty to get more saved. One day he decided to go on a pilgrimage, not sure exactly where he was gonna go, cos he was very anxious to get away from de City of Destructoin (Notting Hill). He had been livvin in de basement of a huge mansoin, owned by best-sellin writer Damain Thopmson, along wiv his Anti Moly, wot is an unsaved pusson who goes "ROFL" at funerals. She is de ogress of de title, and is gonna be goin wiv him unless he can shake her off.

Eccles, the pilgrim.

Anyway, Eccles had had enough of living on custard and cupcakes, so he packed himself a proper pack, wiv spare clothes, Eccles cakes, and books for spiritaul nuorishment such as the Bibble, Shakespier, Lady, don't fall backwards! by Darcy Sarto, and a copy of Damain Thopmson's The Fox, which was thrust on him as a leaving present. Just as he was startin on his way, his Anti Moly, wot had been peacefully sleepin under the table after a long night screemin at the Internet, woke up and asked him where he was goin.

"I is goin on a pilgrimage, Anti," said Eccles, "and I will probably visit many sacred sites, like Walsingham, and Santiago de Compostela, and Fatima, and maybe even de holy city of Croydon."

Vanity Fair, 10 miles.

"All right, I'm comin wiv you," said his Anti. "We can take my donkey, wot is called Micky Ross, to carry our gin bottles wiv us."

"But you ain't a saved pusson, Anti," complained Eccles. "In fact you is banned from most of de churches inside de M25 for goin ROFL rather than AMEN. I been studyin this book by a man named Bunion, and he says dat de way of a pilgrim is hard, and it aint just goin into pubs and drinkin oneself into a stupor. He says you may even meet de foul fiend Apolly on de road (I fink she writes for de Gaurdian)."

"It's time for me to write another foul and fiendish article!"

But even this frightening prospect did not deter the old lady. Thus, Eccles and his Great-Ant Moli began their pilgrimage, heading westward towards the sinful fleshpots of Hammersmith.

What nameless horrors will our pilgrim encounter in Hammersmith?

Continued in Part 2.

Henry VIII explains his breach with Rome

New historical evidence has emerged, explaining the reasons behind King Henry VIII's breach with Rome in the 1530s, which led ultimately to the Anglican church we know today.

Henry VIII - wanted to liberalize the Church.

"We have our own vision for the Anglican church," says King Henry in a previously unpublished document. "A church where women may become vicars, and dance in the aisle at weddings. A church where people like Archbishop Cranmer will be welcomed into our rooms in the morning to tell us that we are bigots if we let not a man wed another man."

Archbishop Cranmer (in papal camauro) shares a joke with Toynbee, the court jester.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Paul III is also anxious to shock traditionalists. He is said to be planning a Council of Trent, which will turn orthodox Catholicism on its head. "We need to decide whether God is calling us to introduce liturgical dancing, puppet masses and homilies about 'my holiday in Paris'. I get regular letters in green ink from a very keen young man called Monsignor Basil Brushtus; he is urging us to drop Latin, and he has some most original ideas on how the Mass should be celebrated. But I've suggested that we come back to that in a few years time."

Monsignor Basil Brushtus - too revolutionary even for Pope Paul III.

"That is encouraging, but it does not go far enough," responds King Henry. "As King I am also ex officio Director of Liturgy round here, and I want to ensure that my song Greensleeves is used regularly at Mass. It is easily adapted to religious use:

Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green are the sleeves of the Lord!

A one, a two, a one two three four... Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!

It is clear that these documents will force us to revise our views on the Reformation, and they will keep David Starkey in business for many years to come. Unfortunately.

Atheists to issue nude calendar

Following the water attack on Archbishop André-Joseph Léonard of Mechelen-Brussels, by topless "Femen" protestors from Kiev, unwilling to tolerate Catholic teaching on homosexuality (and probably almost everything else), atheists have decided that the best way to get their message across is to strip off. The first Atheists' Nude Calendar is already being prepared.

Archbishop! Buy our calendar!

Said a prominent atheist, Prof. Brian Cox of Manchester: "The production of J/ψ mesons is studied in pp collisions at √s=7 TeV with the CMS experiment at the LHC. The measurement is based on a dimuon sample corresponding to an integrated luminosity of 314 nb⁻¹. The J/ψ differential cross section is determined, as a function of the J/ψ transverse momentum, in three rapidity ranges.

Which basically means, 'If I strip off it will persuade more people to take me seriously.'"

Brian Cox, March's Calendar Boy.

Of course, female atheists are also anxious to contribute their charms to the cause of denying God in the home. Said Polly Toynbee of the Guardian, "Recently, I haven't been stripping off so much, but I am allowing the producers of the calendar to use an old photo taken in my wilder student days."

Polly Toynbee (Miss December) in her student days.

Another exhibitionist, er, I mean selfless contributor to the cause of atheism, is Stephen Fry, who posted on Twitter: Whooooooooooooop!!!!! Life is so rich and varied. Lovely Stephen, you're a naughty boy! Bless!

Stephen Fry (August), also posted his bathtime video on Youtub.

But what of Richard Dawkins, the "Unholy Father" of British atheists? Will he be baring all for the sake of persuading people that God does not exist? No, so far he is remaining modestly covered up, to the annoyance of his fellow-atheists. Some people are just shy and self-conscious, don't you find?

Even when he goes swimming, Richard keeps his shirt on.

So far it seems unlikely that any Christian organizations will be producing a rival nude calendar, although Giles Fraser has declared himself "willing to strip off if the money's good enough."

Our experts explain marriage

Iain Dull, the world's silliest blogger.

The Government has said that it is a priority to extend equal marriage to West Ham supporters such as myself, all of whom are currently either born out of wedlock or biologically engineered from "normal" human beings. Do you know that I was the first openly West Ham supporting person to stand for parliament in North Norfolk? Of course, being generally regarded as an obnoxious bore, I didn't stand a chance, but it was still a significant blow for equal marriage. Anyway, I am now going to spam e-mail every single MP with my views - they are bound to listen to a failed politician.

By the way, I don't normally mention such personal things, but I have also been gay from birth (unlike most kids, who don't worry about such things before they are teenagers). Here is an early heart-throb of mine - how I fantasised about pulling him from his flower-pot and ravishing him!

Bill (or Ben) - a sex symbol for precocious toddlers.

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Chris Grayling, Justice Secretary.

What we need is a change in social attitudes to allow more smacking. I was smacked as a child and it never did me any permanent harm, except in making me a supporter of David Cameron. And I smack my kids. And I'm going to smack anyone who refuses to support the Gay Marriage Bill. Why do you think we employ people called "Whips"?

What we need is a change in social attitudes. Out goes "right and wrong," and in comes "smack smack."

My old headmaster - made me the man I am today.

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Polly Toynbee, atheist, journalist and clown.

All religious opposition to gay marriage is based on bigotry. I'll say it again: bigots, bigots, bigots. Christ was a bigot. The Pope's a bigot. Everyone's a bigot.

Look, the book of Genesis said that it was wrong to eat apples, and we don't find that a problem these days. So why should we take any notice of Christ's views on marriage? Bigot, bigot, bigot.

If Christians really took the Bible seriously, they would refuse to use washing-machines as sex objects, wouldn't they? But according to a Guardian poll, 85% of Catholics own a washing-machine (and why not? I own six in my various houses). Bigots, bigots, bigots.

A washing-machine, probably after a night of passion with a bigoted Catholic.

The Guardian: bringing dark desires to light

The Guardian newspaper has a circulation of approximately 200,000: this suggests that approximately 0.5-1% of the British population could be suffering from Guardophilia.

A logo used to attract Guardophiles. But are they dangerous?

Far from being the loathsome monsters as which they are normally portrayed, it has recently been suggested that Guardophiles are ordinary members of society, who simply need our moral support. It is true that you would not wish vulnerable people to be exposed to the Guardian, with its relentless diet of indecent and immoral articles, but there is little evidence that Guardian readers themselves are a serious danger to society.

A dodgy cartoon by Julius Streicher of the Guardian.

In these days of moral relativism, some say that the Guardian provides a valuable public service in giving ordinary people a vision of Hell, a place where the damned slave over their computers, churning out socialist propaganda on a daily basis.

Protection agencies are divided in their opinions as to whether exposure to the shocking material in the Guardian (for example, an atheist rant by Polly Toynbee) can cause permanent psychological damage. It is the view of Alan Rusbridger that many people survive the Guardian without too much emotional scarring, and that they are afterwards able to lead almost-normal lives.

Alan Rusbridger: "Don't drive Guardian-readers underground!"

We can help keep people safe, Rusbridger argues, "by allowing Guardophiles to be ordinary members of society, with moral standards like everyone else," and by "respecting and valuing those Guardophiles who choose self-restraint." Only then will adults tempted to read revolting newspapers be able to be honest about their desires, and find support from the ordinary Telegraph-reading public.

Ave! Magazine

Ave! Magazine has the exclusive photos of the 80th birthday party of Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, at which a galaxy of celebrities joined to wish the cardinal Ad multos annos.

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The Sacred

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor was clearly enjoying himself immensely.

Vincent Nichols sits by his mobile phone. "I'm expecting a man to call about a red hat," he explains.

Mgr Basil Loftus (centre) conducts a simple post-Vatican-II service of thanksgiving for the ministry of Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor.

Pope Benedict XVI (Keeper of the Keys) receives from Arthur Roche (Keeper of the Padlocks) a catalogue of those churches in Rome destined for closure.

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The semi-sacred

Damian Thompson, a Notting Hill journalist, grumbles that the carnival organizers asked him to play his piano more quietly, as they couldn't hear themselves revel.

Tony and Cherie Blair, who generously waived half their normal appearance fee, were the life and soul of the party.

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The definitely profane

Polly Toynbee explains how she went to Tuscany to see for herself how women were being oppressed by the Catholic Church.

"Am I overdressed?" quips Prince Harry, grandson of the Supreme Governor of the Church of England.

The Honourable Member for Bradford West (representing Julian Assange) shows Respect.

Boris Johnson and Kelly Brook arrive by bike. Lance Armstrong wanted to come as well, but is banned from cycling.

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One of the many gifts given to Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor

The Venus de Milo, lovingly restored by a little old lady.