Pope Francis issues pep pills to all clergy

Following his criticism of Catholic clergy for not working hard enough, Pope Francis will be issuing papal pep pills to all priests, deacons and bishops, so that they may be able to work a 23-hour day.

Habemus pep pill!

As his Holiness points out, clergy get a lot of "rest and relaxation" time each day, when they are either on their knees or sitting down listening to the choir (etc.), and they should not require more than this. "You don't catch me sleeping!" he said. "If I have some spare time I go out and get some selfies taken with the faithful. Even on aeroplane trips I don't sleep or listen to the in-flight movie, but stand up and preach, without notes, without any preparation, and often without thinking!"

A pope, hard at work.

"Unlike many priests and deacons, I am available 24/7," continued Pope Francis. "At 4 a.m. I telephone random Catholics and tell them that they are self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians. Curiously, they don't seem to be grateful for this information, and they often swear at me and disconnect the call. Which rather proves my point."

Too many churches put up signs like this.

However, not all clergy are as industrious as the pope. Said one Catholic bishop who wishes to remain nameless: "The Holy Father should try doing my job sometime. Even though I've moved all the feast days to Sunday, some people are expecting me to clock in on weekdays as well. And I've got a pile of letters of complaint about Tina Beattie that reaches to the ceiling. Even though I don't read them, let alone answer them, the effort of ignoring them is wearing me out!"

Dawkins reads us a fairy story

"Read me a fairy story, Uncle Richard," said Polly, age 6. "I need to improve my critical thinking before bedtime."

Kind Uncle Richard.

"Certainly, darling," replied her kind uncle. "That's what fairy stories are for. Would you like the funny one about the selfish gene, or the scary tale of the blind watchmaker?"

"Oh no, uncle," exclaimed the little girl. "Can we have the story of Dr Know-All? Or the story of the Professor's New Clothes?"

A bit too close to home...

"Well, I could read you something from my autobiography, I suppose," said the learned professor. "There's the fascinating story of how I spent twenty minutes reading the Bible and became an instant expert on theology."

"No, that's too fantastical. I know, let's have Snow White!"

Christians* will tell you that Snow White's story was literally true.

*Or possibly just Sola Scriptura Christians.

"Yes, all right. Once upon a time there was an evil pope, with a magic mirror. He would ask it daily, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the brainiest of them all?' and the mirror would reply 'You are, O Pope.'

But one day, the mirror gave a different answer. 'O Pope, you are indeed very clever, and you have read the Bible, the works of Augustine and Aquinas, and even the Vatican II documents. But there is a young man called Snow Dawkins, who is yet cleverer than you!'

A FACE appears in the pope's magic mirror.

So the pope determines to dispose of Snow Dawkins, and tells a huntsman to take him into the woods and kill him. But the huntsman, who is an atheist and therefore much kinder and compassionate than Christians are, abandons him alive in the woods.

After wandering around, Snow Dawkins comes to a hut inhabited by seven dwarves, called Grayling, Toynbee, Sanderson, Harris, Pullman, Hawking, and Fry. They sing a jolly song, "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it's off to church we go!" since, like Snow Dawkins, they claim to be secular Christians and cultural Anglicans (not to mention atheist Muslims, militant Buddhists, and bullfighting Hindus).

In a cultural, secular way, Dawkins and friends follow the Egyptian gods too.

Later, the magic mirror tells the evil pope that Snow Dawkins is still alive and doing very brainy experiments in his hut in the woods. He disguises himself as an old man and gives Snow Dawkins a poisoned apple. Of course, Snow Dawkins is very intelligent and knows instantly that the apple is poisoned; nonetheless he eats the apple as part of a much deeper plan, such as only an atheist could think of.

Something told Dawkins that the apple was unsafe to eat.

When the dwarves return, they place Snow Dawkins in a glass coffin. Now Polly, dear, this is obviously where the Bible story of Jesus originated: we clever atheists know that Jesus wasn't really dead, and anyway he never existed. It was a sky fairy tale told by bronze-age goatherds, who didn't have the critical abilities of a 21st-century professor of biology.

To continue - the dwarves carry Snow Dawkins to the evil pope's palace, where the shaking dislodges the apple from his throat, and he recovers. Enraged by the failure of his plan the evil pope drops dead.

So Dawkins marries a handsome princess - well, three altogether, at various times - and lives happily ever after."

"What a lovely story, Uncle Richard!"

"Now I do hope this story is not fostering supernaturalism in your mind, Polly, dear?"

"Oh no, Uncle, it has simply helped me develop critical thinking, and to learn to see through a certain class of falsehoods. Now I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... zzzz...."

Zzzzzzz....

QUAERITUR: Should I wake the priest?

Dear Father E, when I make Confession I often find that the priest starts yawning. Sometimes, he even asks me to repeat some of my sins - the enumeration of them, that is - on the grounds that he "dropped off for a moment". I am terrified that one day he will fall into a deep sleep. If this happens, what should I do?

... and I've put more details on my blog, Father.

Father E replies: Sleep is a gift from God, and, given that you sometimes doze off during the priest's homily, it is only natural that he in turn should grab a much-needed forty winks while you are telling him how you spent the week. I have seen your written account of the incident in question, and I am not sure that it was necessary to give the full details of how A insulted you on Twitter so that you screen-capped her words, and then B got involved and wrote a nasty post on his own tedious blog, and then C joined in and started stalking you, and then, ... zzzzz... sorry, where was I?

Do you get excommunicated if you nudge a pope?

Now, if your confessor falls asleep, there are several things you might do:

1. Stop talking, and wait patiently until he wakes up again. Of course, this might not be for eight hours or so...
2. Tiptoe out quietly, so as not to wake him. However, experts would say that you had not fully completed your confession.
3. Cough loudly, bang on the confessional, shout "WAKE UP, FATHER!" Probably best, but a little discourteous.

The sins of a parrot are not usually very interesting.

Frankly, the best way to avoid such a situation is to invent some interesting sins, as recommended by certain bishops. You could, for example, walk in covered with blood and pretend that you have just murdered your grandmother. Then, having got the priest's attention, you say, "It's all right. Only joking. It was only the deacon." This is probably more interesting than seeking absolution for the sin of wearing liturgically-incorrect socks at the Church Fayre. The priest may even stay awake.

Not the best place to make your confession.