Pope Benedict writes a book

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI has written a new book in collaboration with Cardinal Sarah, and the reviews are already coming in from influential people who haven't read it.

Robert Mickens, once fired from the Tablet for being an utterly vile person:

"Why isn't the Rat dead yet? He's got no right to carry on living after he abdicated. I sent him a coffin for Christmas but he refuses to use it. Anyway, he seems to be totally gaga, and obviously didn't write the book."

Causing a meltdown in liberal circles.

Massimo Faggioli, the thinking girl's sex symbol:

"The pope emeritus operates in the political-mediatic ecosystem with a freedom typical of the neo-liberal ideology: what the market can bear." (Yes, he really said that. It's a theology professor's way of saying "Shut up, Benedict, you're yesterday's man. When you became Emeritus they took away the keys to Heaven and you stopped being infallible. I'm allowed to express my views, but you are not. So shut your gob.")

"I only wanted a cup of coffee, but when I started to explain the multilayered crisis in the hermeneutics of her menu, the waitress ran away screaming."

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who needs no introduction:

"I am in two minds here - swinging both ways, you might say. Pope Benedict is a good man, but we can't have him setting up a parallel magisterium, following 2000 years' worth of dead popes, in conflict with Pope Francis's new magisterium. Besides, did you know that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene?"

Austen Ivereigh, Pope Francis's official attack poodle:

"I have it on good authority from Fr Nosuchperson that Benedict has been in a coma for the last seven years, and could not possibly express an opinion on anything. I blame that unscrupulous courtier Cardinal Sarah for making up the whole thing."

"Here's looking at you, Austen!

The World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists

After the World Cups of Bad Hymns (won by "Lord of the Dance") and Bad Cardinals (Blase Cupich), it is time for the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists. The nominations so far are as follows, and before we start in about two weeks from now, we welcome other suggestions. (16 would be a more convenient number than 11, but we'll find a fair way to cope, however many we end up with.)

John Allen Jr
Tina Beattie
Massimo Faggioli
Austen Ivereigh
Christopher Lamb
James Martin
Robert Mickens
Thomas Reese
Thomas Rosica
Antonio Spadaro
Michael Sean Winters

(I'm sure I've missed someone obvious...)

As will be seen, "journalist" can be interpreted rather loosely. Apart from scribbling, most of the people above turn an honest penny by other means as well: boring lectures, trashy biographies, LGBT campaigning, plagiarism, or even - in some cases - moonlighting as Catholic priests!

Here are several qualities you might want to consider when casting your vote:

Good taste...

Familiarity with the Bible...

Knowing all the right people...

Devotion to the Pope...

The ability to decide which bits of Catholicism are in fashion this week...

Top marks in logic!

Some ground rules: the nominees don't need to be English-speaking, but some of their contributions must be accessible to the English-speaking world. There are no doubt numerous bad Catholic journalists writing in obscure Amazon dialects, but they must remain in obscurity for the purposes of this World Cup - they will get their moment of glory when the Amazonis Laetitia synod starts. The nominees must at least claim to be Catholic, whatever your private opinion of them ("Who am I to judge?") Bishops and above will not count as journalists, even if they send out monthly letters explaining how wonderful they are.

Nominations can be made by adding a comment to this blog, or by replying to my advert on Twitter.

In all things the infallible decision of the umpire (me) is final.

How can a Pope tell lies?

As the latest instalment in our self-help guide, "How to be a good pope," intended for those of our readers who are already getting themselves measured for the white zucchetto, "just in case," we address the thorny problem of whether a pope can tell lies.

The simplest answer, of course, is no. Infallibility guarantees that, whatever you say, it is automatically true. Of course, as Rex Mottram would put it, you were actually telling the truth in a spiritual sense, but others are too sinful to see this.

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I know nothing."

Let's take a case in point, the sordid story of "Uncle Fred," once one of your favourite cardinals, and now sadly disgraced. Your predecessor as Pope knew about some of his activities, and, when the St Gallstone Mafia launched a coup and got you the top job, he told you all about him, and advised you to keep Uncle Fred chained up in a dungeon. So you let him go.

This is the story told by Archbishop Vinegar, and now other evidence is coming out. Donna Whirly was involved too. In fact it seems that everyone in the Vatican knew about Uncle Fred EXCEPT YOU.

The Pope says he knows nothing!

So many people say you're lying! They really don't understand how Holy Fathers work, do they? Luckily you have friends who know that popes cannot lie (when Peter denied knowing Jesus, it wasn't a lie, it was simply because he had forgotten who He was, it could happen to anyone).

First, there's little Austen Ivory, telling the world that He didn’t know about McCarrick's past, or the sanctions (how could he know?) while at the same time throwing in a few character assassinations, in line with your new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. Other mates will rush to your defence, such as Robert Muckins, who still hasn't recovered from the news that your predecessor, whom he called "The rat" refuses to die. He manages to be even less coherent than Austen, no mean feat!

Unfortunately Fr Martin James LGBTSJ is not available to join in the fun, as he is in hospital having an operation. We have no idea what it is, but when she comes out, she will no doubt support you too.

The Archbishop of Barcelona also knows nothing.

Anyway, here are a few useful phrases which should help you get through this tricky time:

I know nothing.
I have an alibi.
Nobody told me.
I wasn't there.
I plead infallibility.
It's a case of mistaken identity.
It must have been some other Pope.
You don't have any DNA evidence, do you?
If I have a weakness, it's my inability to lie.
If you can't trust the Pope, whom can you trust?
I reserve the right to remain silent.
     (Well, it worked for those Dubia...)

What is truth?

Pope appoints a new leader for China

In return for Pope Francis's generous gesture in allowing the Chinese government to sack validly ordained Catholic bishops and appoint its own rather dodgy nominees (the "Henry VIII" option), Xi Jinping has agreed to step down as General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic of China, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission (also, Lord High Everything Else), to allow the Holy Father to appoint his own nominee.

Fa-go Li*, tipped as the new President.

*Chinese for "bean shoots", number 47 on the menu.

It has been agreed that nobody in holy orders will be allowed to take up the post, and so those eminent Chinese Par-o Lin, Ro-si Ca, Spa-da Ro, and Ji-ma Tin (among others) are excluded from this prestigious post. Among the Chinese laymen available, it seems that Fa-go Li and I-va Ree will fit in best with the Communist ethos required.

Meanwhile Cardinal Zen has admitted that he is in fact a Buddhist and not a Catholic at all. The faithful were becoming suspicious when in Masses he always began with "If the Lord is with thee, it is Zen. But if the Lord is not with thee, that is Zen too," and moved on to the "One hand clap" of peace. Since many leading members of the Catholic Church are in fact Lutherans, and Vincent Nichols is a Hindu, this has not come as any great shock.

It began as a "set meal for 13" but then...

The power struggle between those sinister Chinese, Fa-go Li and I-va Ree, for the supreme leadership is likely to be furious, and we may expect to see bloodshed before a decision is taken. Little Bo-Bi Mik was also expected to throw his hat in the ring, but since he is currently very very cross with Pope Francis about what happened in Chile, it is unlikely that Pope Francis will back him.

Support I-va Ree, he's got a proper Chinese suit!

Meanwhile, Tee-na Bee, Catholicism's leading laywoman (well, after that Plou-men woman), is furious that she is not being considered for high office. But let's face it, Tee-na, women just don't get the jobs they deserve!

Vicious attacks made on Sarah

Holy Land, about 2000 BC,

Faithful Catholics, who do their best to respect Pope Abraham, have been shocked by the persistent attacks on his wife Sarah from various ultra-liberal writers such as Christopher Goat of the Stone Tablet, Robert Mickheap the manure-dealer, Massimo Bean, Mike-and-Bernie Winters, etc. who find that she has this distressing habit of taking God's teaching seriously.

Pope Abraham and Cardinal Sarah.

Sarah herself has maintained a dignified silence in the face of abuse, which has even come from well-known clergy, such as Kasper the Jester ("She's a bit, er, African, isn't she?" he says) and Fr James Lot SJ, who has been attempting to build bridges with the LGBT community in the Cities of the Plain (supported by his wife Rosica the "Pillar of Salt" broadcaster), although the last bridge fell into a lake of fire.

Of course Pope Abraham's own ministry has not been uncontroversial. Some have accused him of trying to change Church teaching on infanticide, after a mysterious incident involving his son Isaac at Moria, and the subsequence apostolic exhortation A Moria Sacrificia. Indeed, the situation has become so bad that Abraham has refused to answer all dubia asking him to explain what on earth he means.

Cardinal Burke, have you tried submitting your dubia using a six-year-old sockpuppet? You might get a reply that way.

Of course, some say that Abraham is merely following Sarah's advice to "remain silent", and it is rumoured that they have not spoken to each other for 93 years.

The real fear of Sarah's critics is that she will survive Abraham, and take over as Matriarch: the "Mesopotamian Mafia" are hoping to elect someone more liberal such as Isaac, who is not expected to take church teaching very seriously.

Some mockers have portrayed Abraham as a cartoon character such as Superman, Scooby Doo or Popeye.

Catholic Church to celebrate the Black Death

It has been decided that, following the celebrations in 2017 of the anniversary of the Reformation (with its mass-slaughter on both sides, the destruction of the monasteries, etc.), it would be similarly appropriate in 2023 for the Catholic Church to celebrate the 675th anniversary of the Black Death.

Federico Lombardi explains

"It used to be thought that the death of 100 million people was nothing but one of the worst tragedies of European history," said Fr Federico Lombardi of the Holy See Press Office, "but nowadays we can look back and see the positive aspects of this period of history. Many people were brought to God rather sooner than they expected, and industrialization came to a halt, protecting the Middle Ages from the worst aspects of climate change."

It is thought that Pope Francis is anxious to reach out to the rodent community - although he will not celebrate the Rodentine Mass - since he appreciates that, although rats are widely blamed for bringing the Black Death to Europe, they too suffered many grievous losses. "The Holy Father has a great fondness for funny little creatures with whiskers," explained Fr Lombardi.

Funny little creatures with whiskers are welcome!

Apart from holding ecumenical human-rodent Masses, using specially blessed cheese, it is not clear what else is planned for the Year of Bubonic Inter-Species Reconciliation. Will Paul Inwood, the Pope's Official Composer, be asked to provide a suitable anthem, possibly "Alleluia Squeak-Squeak"? How will Robert Mickens, he who referred to Pope Benedict XVI as "the rat", react now that we are asked to love the little creatures? Watch this space for further details.

Ecumenical dialogue with a rat, or possibly a Siberian hamster.

A guest post from Robert Mickens

Since I have just been suspended from my prestigious position as the Tablet's Rome correspondent, I am very grateful to my friend Eccles for allowing me to explain the circumstances on his lovely blog.

Formerly @robinrome, now @robinthedoghouse

As you will probably have read in numerous places, starting, I think with my pal Damian Thompson's blog, I got into trouble for referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "the Rat" and speculating about his death.

Mere friendly banter!

Benedict and I are old friends: when I saw him in Rome (this happens less frequently now, since he's stopped being God's Rome correspondent) I would say "Ooh look! It's the Rat!" and he would reply "Wer ist dieser Schweinehundheretischentabletistikendummkopf?" My German is nearly as bad as my Latin, but I gather that this is a term of endearment.

Benedict (Rat) also refers to me as "Mickens Mouse".

You may recall that Benedict used to tweet as @pontifex, and I remember the time he gave me a special mention:

@pontifex Dearly beloved, Laetare Sunday is a day on which we remember the words of Aquinas. P.S. Why isn't Mickens Mouse dead yet?

Anyway, you'll want to know what happened last week. Pope Francis - we at the Tablet haven't yet thought up an insulting nickname for him, as it's still possible that he may be on our side - made the appointment of Cardinal Methuselah, aged 113. Methuselah is a sprightly person for his age: he bungee jumps regularly, boxed 15 rounds with Guido Marini only last week, and plays prop forward for the Italian Rugby team.

Cardinal Methuselah: new blood in the Vatican.

Anyway, in a spirit of merry banter I joined my friend Chris Grady (who enjoys trolling) in speculating that Cardinal Methuselah would outlive Benedict. I didn't know what trouble I was getting myself into!

There came a telephone call from Catherine Popehater, the redoubtable editor of the Tablet. "You fool, Bobbie!" she said. "It is the Tablet's policy to attack Pope Benedict (and indeed all earlier popes) by subtle means, not outright insults. Now you've given the whole game away!"

I could see her point. If the Tablet falls from grace, what will be next? Will people suspect that ACTA is run by the KGB? Will there be whispers about whether Tina Beattie is really to be taken seriously when she claims to be a Catholic?

The answer: prayer and reflection.

So I have decided to go for a period of prayer and reflection, as recommended by nine out of ten bishops to bloggers who point out where the bodies are buried. It's going to be a tough day or two, but I'll be back soon - maybe even in time for the Rat's funeral (oops!)

The Tablet Hallowe'en Party

October 31st was a big day for the Tablet, a teenage comic that unconvincingly claims to be "Catholic". First, there was the annual Tablet lecture, given by its Rome correspondent Robert Mickens, on the subject "We hates all popes, especially Benedict".

We hope to report more fully on the talk later, but so far we simply have a few soundbites, in which Mickens gives an in-depth analysis of previous popes, such as "John-Paul I - what silly glasses he wore!", "John-Paul II - couldn't even think of an original name!" and "Pope Benedict ate my hamster."

A Tablet CD.

Mickens did however look to the future as well, with "Now, Francis - here are your orders. Listen very carefully - I shall say this only seventy times."

After the lecture, it was time for the Tablet Hallowe'en Party - an event billed as "Come as you are!"

Tina Beattie enjoys an evening of "human flourishing".

All the great and good were there, sharing the true Vatican II Spirit which has made the Catholic church such a happy united institution, where Christian doctrine remains unchallenged, and the secular liberalism of the modern world is put in its place (Catherine Pepinster's office).

Chris Patten takes "come as you are" a little too literally.

Of course, some of the Tablet trustees did decide to dress up a little, but it was not always possible to identify them.

Eamon Duffy recreates the Spirit of Vatican II.

All-in-all, a good time was had by everyone, and at the end it was agreed to "trick or treat" some prominent Catholic priests in the neighbourhood - unless they agreed to revive the Tablet by placing copies in their churches, it would be custard-pie-in-the-face time. (The Anglicans have a similar tradition, known as "vicars and tarts".)

"Suddenly, a custard pie in the face doesn't seem like a bad alternative."