We hope to report more fully on the talk later, but so far we simply have a few soundbites, in which Mickens gives an in-depth analysis of previous popes, such as "John-Paul I - what silly glasses he wore!", "John-Paul II - couldn't even think of an original name!" and "Pope Benedict ate my hamster."
A Tablet CD.
Mickens did however look to the future as well, with "Now, Francis - here are your orders. Listen very carefully - I shall say this only seventy times."
After the lecture, it was time for the Tablet Hallowe'en Party - an event billed as "Come as you are!"
Tina Beattie enjoys an evening of "human flourishing".
All the great and good were there, sharing the true Vatican II Spirit which has made the Catholic church such a happy united institution, where Christian doctrine remains unchallenged, and the secular liberalism of the modern world is put in its place (Catherine Pepinster's office).
Chris Patten takes "come as you are" a little too literally.
Of course, some of the Tablet trustees did decide to dress up a little, but it was not always possible to identify them.
Eamon Duffy recreates the Spirit of Vatican II.
All-in-all, a good time was had by everyone, and at the end it was agreed to "trick or treat" some prominent Catholic priests in the neighbourhood - unless they agreed to revive the Tablet by placing copies in their churches, it would be custard-pie-in-the-face time. (The Anglicans have a similar tradition, known as "vicars and tarts".)
"Suddenly, a custard pie in the face doesn't seem like a bad alternative."
Father Tim - reading The Tablet, arghhh. I am sure it was just for research purposes.
ReplyDeleteAs a witch in good standing, I am naturally top of the VIP guest list for all such occasions.
ReplyDeleteHaving fallen out with my husband, who wanted to come dressed as Captain Picard (Let it not be so), I decided to take Phil the Fake Franciscan instead, as he lives permanently in a fancy dress monk's outfit garnished with a rainbow sash. Needless to say, he is a little too ample in the skirt to fit on the back of my Nimbus 2000, so I sent him to pick up "Gruff" the sacrificial goat, who was kindly supplied by a troll friend of mine near Preston.
I believe Phil picked up two hitch hikers near the Tickled Trout Services, who were making their way south to Vespers at Blackfen. I am not quite sure what transpired in the car, but apparently there was some sort of bust-up when Phil wanted to detour via Pendle Hill for a spot of liturgical zimmer limbo dancing with my old friend Demdike and the local branch of A Call To Faction. He left the hitch-hikers at Carnforth, with one of them complaining that the goat had eaten his mask, and the other one shouting that he had it all on tape.
To be continued
A wise general learns as much as he can about the thinking of the enemy.
ReplyDelete(That was meant to be a reply to Gertrude, in case it wasn't obvious.)
DeleteAs a Traddy witch, I flew my usual route down the old LMS railway, and decided to touch down somewhere in the Midlands for a rest. I landed outside the bay window of a modest semi, where my old friend "Legsie Degsie" was conducting a seance. Fuelled by the sugar high obtained from mugging a couple of infant Trick or Treaters, I am afraid I couldn't resist a bit of poltergeist activity - wreaking havoc with the Danbury Mint collectables on the windowsill, and making two bottles of Ouzo disappear (permanently) from the drinks cabinet. Fortunately, Degsie, who has a tin ear for Elementals, claimed to be possessed by the spirit of a Spanish donkey breeder, and told his startled hostess that the Voices were telling him that the trouble was all caused by a Traddy homeschooler "from beyond the (Peri)vale", She seemed quite happy with that explanation, and so I scarpered off to resume my journey.
ReplyDeleteKeep goin, I'm enjoyin this.
DeleteHow I would love to meet you guys in person! Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteOn arrival at the party, I was a little worried not to see Phil, but did receive a text saying that he had reached " Ecclesfeckin" Which feckin' Eccles? I replied, having been told by your good self that there are about 30 villages of that name strewn around the place.
ReplyDeleteIt was only later that I realised that Phil was going the wrong way up the M6, and was north of Gretna Green. Also that he had not got the hang of predictive text, and that the Satnav charger would not fit into the cigarette lighter in the Vauxhall Victor as it was a pre-metrication model.
Down at the Tablet offices, I was given a warm welcome by your old friend Farver Arfur, who introduced me to a friend wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda Shorts, from somewhere called "Farm Street". When I complimented him on his costume he got a bit upset, as apparently this is clerical dress for his order. However, his attitude softened after a few bacardi and cokes, and he invited me to do the bidding prayers at the next Rainbow Mass, and introduced me as "Trannie Annie" to a rather red-faced scouser dressed as a Cardinal, and asked him to put me down on the candidate list for Leeds or Liverpool.
I had another text from Phil to say that deacons were rood naughty and mucky, and assumed he had overshot the party and was heading down towards Brighton. In fact he had stopped for a couple of pints of Deacon Brodie in Auchtermuchty - but how was I to know that?
If you can't get across what you want to say in a few sentences then forget it. My ADHD takes over after a few lines unless there are pictures. Thanks Eccles. y the way, I'm off to ring some door bells.
ReplyDeleteACDC problems are easily resolved with the use of a rectifier. May I suggest that you contact your local rectory?
DeleteAfter 5 bottles of Nicaraguan Cabernet Sauvignon, I can't remember much more, until I woke up in the gutter in Brewer Street outside Madame JoJos, and a voice message from Phil, saying that he had accidentally got on a ferry and arrived on a most hospitable Scottish island, and been given free lodging in a hostelry with a barmaid who looked uncannily like a young Britt Ekland. They very much admire his interfaith ministry, and can get him lots of handfasting work. He is going to try to get them to abandon singing their traddy medieval folk songs, and learn some of Eccles' Bad Hynms winners, such as "Colours of Day".They want him to stay until Beltane and take part in an Ecumenical festival on the beach, which is great, since I can get my potting shed back for the bulbs, for at least six months, though it's a pity about the Vauxhall Victor.
ReplyDeleteIf Leon wants to join him, I will sub him the fare. Here's a picture of the barmaid, Leon
http://www.blancboutique.com/site/wp-content/uploads/britt+ekland.+008-777x994.jpg
Daring eccles, I wonder if Jadis will tell us if Farver Arfur was still standing when it was all over? Farver Phil haz gone to the Silly Isles from whence he came :) xx Jess
ReplyDeleteLast I saw he had his arms round Madame JoJo, sobbing loudly. It might have been the ouzo. Then the vicar-general turned up and threw him onto a mattress in the back of a minivan, and drove off down the A12 swearing in the direction of St Garth's Home for emotionally disturbed clergymen.
ReplyDeleteThat's an improvement - 3 comprehensible sentences even without pictures. Less time wasted too.
Delete