Carey on Killing

A new film in the long-running "Carey-on" series, has been produced, but it has been seriously panned by the critics, and it may not go on general release.

Entitled "Carey on Killing", it stars Sid James as Sid Falconer, the dodgy proprietor of the "Zap-Yer-Grandad" Assisted Suicide Company.

Sid Falconer and Bishops Wilson and Carey come to a patient's assistance.

Glamorous support is provided by blonde bombshell Rosie Harper (Barbara Windsor), who tells the House of Lords that the "moral and Christian" approach to sick and dying people is to push them over the edge.

Saucy boy! Wait till I tell my bishop!

A key role is played by Archbishop George Carey (Bernard Bresslaw), who, sick and tired of promoting orthodox Christian doctrine (or at least an Anglican version of it) decides to go out in style!

George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death (non Angeli sed Anglici...)

It is a pity that this film is so poor. Our own personal favourite amongst the Carey-on films was "Carey on Praying" in which George Carey was molested in Canterbury Cathedral by Peter Tatchell (a comic role played by Kenneth Williams) when he tried to defend the traditional family. This film simply does not compare in terms of spiritual nourishment.

"Infamy! They've all got it infamy!" says Tatchell.

Eccles verdict: do not go and see this film. The characters are totally unbelievable.

The Way, the Truth and the Death

The story so far:

1. An Anglican calling herself Canon Rosie Harper, Chaplain to the Bishop of Buckingham, tells the House of Lords that voting against Lord Falconer's Assisted Death bill is "neither moral nor Christian".

"... and there's a poor old man behind me that we could bump off..."

2. The Anglican blogger Cranmer points out that she is wrong and misguided (and her views are contrary to the C of E's official position).

3. The Bishop of Buckingham jumps in with both feet and describes Cranmer's comments as "outrageous trolling".

4. The Baptist blogger Geoffrey Sales asks "Bishops: what are they good for?" with special reference to recent blunders by +Buckingham, +Oxford and +Lancaster, whom he memorably describes as a "bunch of Vichyite jellyfish".

5. The world looks to Eccles for a ruling.

"Hello, I'm your new bishop."

Well, when in doubt go back to the scriptures and see what Jesus said and did.

Mark 1:40. And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst put me out of my pain.

41. And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; go forth and die.

42. And the leper lived happily ever after dropped dead.

Jesus bumpeth off the leper.

Pretty conclusive, eh? Jesus saveth the man a lot of unnecessary suffering. Let's see what else Jesus did.

Mark 5:22. And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him, he fell at his feet,

23. And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and "do a Falconer" on her, that she may be finished off quickly.

Of course this one hath a twist in the tail...

35. While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further?

36. And Jesus said, Great! That letteth me out!

Get the point? If the girl had been brought back to life, she would only have had to die again one day!

"Bring Me a hammer, in case she is not really dead."

Well, that's enough of that. But think how cross Lazarus would have been if Jesus had raised him from the dead? "Owwwww! Now I've got to go through that suffering all over again," he'd have complained.

VERDICT: Three cheers for Rosie Harper, the Apostle of Assisted Suicide!