Is the Church of England like ISIS?

There has been an angry debate between Joseph Shaw and Geoffrey Sales over the question whether the best way to understand ISIS is by studying the Church of England. As usual, it is left to Eccles to rule on this matter.

The dreaded CofE flag (to interpret this, reflect a little).

We do have some anecdotal evidence. Said Mrs Enid Shavius, 84, "I was sitting peacefully at home, when a dreadful man knocked on the door and said he was the 'vicar'. Before I knew where I was I was offering him a cup of tea and listening to his readings from the collected sermons of George Carey. When I woke up, he had disappeared, taking my ginger biscuits with him."

If you see this man, do not invite him in for tea.

Said another witness, Colonel John Vendimus, 76, "I was disgusted to see one of those Anglican women in the street, dressed in the sort of ridiculous costumes that they are encouraging them to wear these days. I didn't give my life in the Boer war to see women being degraded in that way."

Anglican women wearing a degrading and unbecoming costume.

Finally, Miss Maureen Latin-Mass, 55, complained that an aggressive woman came round to her house, demanding "something for our jumble sale - it's in aid of the Anglican Church's Mission to Seafarers". She had to give the woman an old scarf, a pot of turnip jam and an unwanted copy of The God Delusion before she would go away.

The Mission to Seafarers did well this year.

So there we have it - evidence that the Anglican Church has a policy of systematic extortion and repression. Just like ISIS, in fact.

The Way, the Truth and the Death

The story so far:

1. An Anglican calling herself Canon Rosie Harper, Chaplain to the Bishop of Buckingham, tells the House of Lords that voting against Lord Falconer's Assisted Death bill is "neither moral nor Christian".

"... and there's a poor old man behind me that we could bump off..."

2. The Anglican blogger Cranmer points out that she is wrong and misguided (and her views are contrary to the C of E's official position).

3. The Bishop of Buckingham jumps in with both feet and describes Cranmer's comments as "outrageous trolling".

4. The Baptist blogger Geoffrey Sales asks "Bishops: what are they good for?" with special reference to recent blunders by +Buckingham, +Oxford and +Lancaster, whom he memorably describes as a "bunch of Vichyite jellyfish".

5. The world looks to Eccles for a ruling.

"Hello, I'm your new bishop."

Well, when in doubt go back to the scriptures and see what Jesus said and did.

Mark 1:40. And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst put me out of my pain.

41. And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; go forth and die.

42. And the leper lived happily ever after dropped dead.

Jesus bumpeth off the leper.

Pretty conclusive, eh? Jesus saveth the man a lot of unnecessary suffering. Let's see what else Jesus did.

Mark 5:22. And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him, he fell at his feet,

23. And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and "do a Falconer" on her, that she may be finished off quickly.

Of course this one hath a twist in the tail...

35. While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further?

36. And Jesus said, Great! That letteth me out!

Get the point? If the girl had been brought back to life, she would only have had to die again one day!

"Bring Me a hammer, in case she is not really dead."

Well, that's enough of that. But think how cross Lazarus would have been if Jesus had raised him from the dead? "Owwwww! Now I've got to go through that suffering all over again," he'd have complained.

VERDICT: Three cheers for Rosie Harper, the Apostle of Assisted Suicide!