The true facts about the SSPX

I don't think I have ever blogged about the Society of St Pius X before, but there has been too much acrimonious debate about it recently, involving people like Field-Marshal Taylor, Lieutenant Steve Kojak, about sixteen people called Gordon - one of whom wants me to @askyourantimoli - and so on. Even Father Z has waded in, guns blazing.

A snapshot of Catholic Twitter.

Clearly everyone is waiting for me to give a ruling. Right, here goes.

SSPX is wonderful. Schismatic. The only true faith. A bunch of disobedient weirdos. The best hope for mankind. With invalid orders. Much better than the "ordinary" post-Vatican II Church. Unable to organize a decent clown Mass. But its priests are approved of by all Popes. Although not Pius X. Well of course not you numbskull he wasn't alive then. Condemned by all decent people. Perfectly able to conduct Masses and Confessions. Yeah but only in emergencies if you can't get a proper Jesuit. You're starting to annoy me, buster. Get lost and take your poncy Latin with you. Just watch it or you'll get a schism in the back of your head. Oh yeah you and whose army? BAM! POW! OUCH! YAROOH! BEAST!

Well, we seem to have reached a consensus there.

Meanwhile, the "liberal" wing of the Catholic Church continues to misbehave while nobody's watching. Recently, Blase Cupich, the World's Worst Cardinal, blessed a pantomime horse (well, it was billed as a Chinese 'lion-awakening' ritual, but we know that the pantomime season hadn't quite ended).

Hail to thee, O Pantomama!

Uncle Blase has also been a bit dismissive of the power of prayer. That could just be because he's been addressing the Chinese lion-god by mistake.

Now, when the SSPX wars are over, can we go back to smiting the real heretics?

"The pantomime Cardinal will be along soon."

Flirting with the SSPX

QUAERITUR: Dear Father Eccles, Pope Francis has said that during the Year of Mercy, Catholics may make their confession to SSPX priests and be validly absolved. What's all that about then?

Offer does not apply to Anglicans, Muslims, Hindus, etc.

Fr. E. replies: The SSPX chaps are basically Catholics who reject some of the decisions of Vatican II - the prohibition of Latin, the introduction of clown masses, the compulsory installation of piles of copies of the Tablet at the back of the church, the recognition of Paul Inwood as a "composer", etc. Going to confession with an SSPX priest is very similar to what you might expect from a "normal" Catholic, apart from a few small differences:

1. You must make your confession in Latin.
2. The priest will have his back to you.
3. The SSPX considers certain actions such as singing "Walk in the 
Light" (even in the privacy of your own bath) to be sins, although 
they may not be recognised as such by "ordinary" Catholics.

Q: Well, actually the sin I committed was pretty minor, really. I got drunk, wandered into the church, blew out all the votive candles, and sang "Happy Birthday to Me!"

You must blow them out with one big breath.

Fr E: Yes, that would be considered a sin in most Catholic traditions, including the SSPX. Perhaps not in a very liberal church; indeed, that might even be a praiseworthy act, as it lowers the church's carbon footprint (see Laudato Si', pages 3, 7, 13 to 45 inclusive, 61, and 88 to 105).

Q: Apparently, the Church is also giving its support to the naming of a square in Rome after Martin Luther, who was excommunicated 500 years ago. Can I be absolved by Lutherans?

Fr E: This is a grey area. I gather that Pope Francis is in a mood of forgiveness at present, and we can soon expect to see a Judas Iscariot Street, a Pontius Pilate Avenue, and even a Richard Dawkins Circus. We live in interesting times.

Richard Dawkins prepares to forgive some sins.

What is a traditionalist?

The often-excellent Fr Dwight Longenecker has recently got himself into a bit of a pickle over a post Traditionalists Reject Divine Mercy, which in its original version appeared to give the impression that all Catholics calling themselves traditionalists believe exactly the same thing. In fact, pace* Fr Dwight, there are at least three sub-species of traditionalist, and here is a short guide.

* traddy Latin expression meaning "with peace", here meaning "with due deference to".

Pope Pius I (2nd century A.D.). Accepted by most trads.

Traditionalistus Sedevacantus. These are the extreme trads, who do not accept any pope since Pius XII (or Pius X, or possibly Pius V; one of the Pii, anyway) as being legitimate. They have severe reservations about the "modernistic" Tridentine Mass, preferring the Sarum Rite, although some prefer to celebrate the Whitby Rite dating from A.D. 664, in which "Yorkshire" Latin (lingua ebagumsis) was recommended. Some theories you may hear from T.S. include the notion that Pope St John XXIII was replaced by the demon Telbat, just before he summoned Vatican II, and that the next Pope - "who will come from a Minster to the West" - will be the last before the final Armageddon, the great battle between Conservatism and Liberalism.

Archbishop Lefebvre looks on in horror as a giant puppet walks up the aisle.

Traditionalistus Nonvaticanduensis. Next on the scale we have a variety of traditionalists who reject parts of Vatican II. Bishop Fellay, the head of SSPX, has said that his team accepts 95% of the teachings of Vatican II, which is not a bad score: an A* grade, surely? Of course nobody has ever read all the Vatican II documents (739 pages of fine print, as contrasted with 42 for Vatican I and 179 for Trent), although we are all waiting for the movie, which will star Stephen Fry as Hans Küng and Kermit the Frog as Basil Loftus. The documents have titles such as Decree concerning the sacred pastoral dogmatic constitution on the apostolate of the renewal of priestly mission through the divine ministry of the ecumenical activity of social communication with the laity, which roughly means Kick-starting our priests.

T.N. will of course only attend a Latin Mass, regarding the Novus Ordo as - at best - inferior, and - at worst - invalid. Although they accept that Pope Francis is the legitimate pope, they tend to dislike him so much that he might easily be the Beast of the Apocalypse in a white suit.

Flamenco dancing in church? At my age?

Traditionalistus Orthodoxus. These are the most numerous, and in fact tend to be totally orthodox Catholics who see no point in changing things just for the sake of change. They may well prefer the traditional Latin Mass for its universality, purity and beauty (enabling them to focus on God rather than worrying about whether they will catch a loathsome disease from young Ernie Grotchet in the Kiss of Peace); still, they accept that the Novus Ordo is a totally valid way of worshipping.

They have no particular quarrel with Vatican II itself (after all, if you look closely, you find that it stressed the importance of Latin). However, they go for the "hermeneutic of continuity" approach, and therefore believe that the so-called Spirit of Vatican II - motto "Anything Goes" - is just a snare and a delusion leading to liturgical dancing, clown masses and banal hymns such as Shine, Jesus, Shine. Often, they prefer Pope Benedict XVI's approach rather than Pope Francis's, but they console themselves with the thought that the Holy Spirit never promised that all popes would be supermen.

Not Pope Francis... or is he?

One could go on, with an analysis of watered-down Catholicism: does a fondness for Walk in the Light mean that you automatically subscribe to the weird views of Tina Beattie? If necessary, we can advise you.

Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.

Mystic Dame predicts.

Here at last are Mystic Dame's predictions for the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

Mystic Dame foretells the future.

Who will take over from Patrick Kelly as Archbishop of Liverpool? Well, my sources tell me that someone to watch here is Bishop Richard Williamson. Now that he has left SSPX, he is surely looking to be reconciled with the Catholic Church, and appointing him to Liverpool would be a magnanimous gesture from Pope Francis. I suppose that this name will be unfamiliar to most readers, but I can exclusively reveal that Cardinal Belgrano is expected to take over from Pope Benedict XVI in July 2013, and this is the papal name he will adopt.

St Francis Drake, founder of the Franciscans.

That just leaves Leeds sede vacante in England, after Arthur Roche was sent off to a job in Rome (which, my sources tell me, recently took over from Avignon as the papal headquarters). Well, here I have kept my ear to the ground, and I can exclusively reveal that Fr Tony Flannery, of County Galway, Ireland, is expected to be rewarded with promotion for his consistent pro-life stance.

Out go Arthur's cinnabons, and in comes Tony's potato cake!

But it's not all diocesan appointments in the Catholic Church. A very senior English Catholic - not Vincent Nichols - admitted to me recently that he had taken steps to drive out the Papal Nuncio, Antonio Mennini. He was naturally reluctant to explain how he proposed to do this, but I have been able to work it out for myself. Look at Mennini's photo, below.

Archbishop Mennini - showing signs of polonium poisoning.

Can it be a coincidence that large quantities of polonium have been delivered by lorry to a bishop's residence somewhere in the south of England? I think not.

So suppose that Mennini quits. Who will take his place? Could it be time to give Hans Küng a say in the running of the Church?

Hans is already trying on the traditional Nuncio's hat.

Finally, I foresee that the Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality is about to evolve. I think the slogan "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BAD" will be changed to "TWO SEXES GOOD, ONE SEX BETTER" when we're not looking. A trivial modification, you may say, but I feel that if it happens some people will notice!

Eccles outs himself

Well, it had to come. I couldn't keep my identity secret much longer: one or two people had already begun to guess who "Eccles" was. It's time to confess.

Yes, Eccles is Fr John Zuhlsdorf, priest, blogger, and licensed to kill.

When you think about it, it is obvious that Eccles could be nobody else. Why does Eccles never post comments on Fr Z's blog? Why does Fr Z never mention Eccles? Of course... it's simply modesty.

Look at Fr Z's blog today. You see a brilliant post, asserting that SSPX is setting up an ordinariate for disaffected traddy Catholics. Doesn't the style look familiar?

What the well-dressed priest is packing.

Admittedly, some people thought that "Eccles" was really Damian Thompson, Tina Beattie, Giles Fraser or Richard Dawkins - why else would he give publicity to such obscure individuals? But no, these were merely comic characters introduced to make the blog more spiritually nourishing.

Well, the game is up now, so, apart from reminding you always to Say the Red and Do the Black, and to stock up on Mysterious Monk Coffee, I say goodbye for now.

The ideal gift for a liberal Catholic.

Bishop Williamson founds SS

Bishop Richard Williamson, expelled from the SSPX, today announced the formation of an entirely new religious group, to be called simply "SS."

Bishop Williamson.

"SS" stands for "Society of Saints," although at the moment its membership is cautiously estimated to be approximately 1. When it was pointed out that "SS" was an unfortunate name for his new society, sharing as it does the same brand name as the notorious Schutzstaffel, Bishop Williamson replied "I don't understand what you're talking about. It's only 1912, isn't it? Himmler isn't due to come to power for another 17 years."

Bishop Williamson is furious at his rejection by the SSPX, and added, "I shall be appealing directly to Pope Pius X over this matter." It was pointed out to him that Pius X died in 1914, but he replied "You may believe that, but I tell you it's just a modernist heresy."

Pope St Pius X - expecting a stiff letter of complaint from Williamson.

For a long time, SSPX has been severely embarrassed by the activities of Bishop Williamson. They were hoping to encourage him to retire to Southend-on-Sea, where he could at least use an SS postcode without offending people: as Bishop Bernard Fellay put it: "I would say that Williamson is way beyond Barking."

Barking - Williamson is way beyond this.

Bishop Williamson has expressed himself unhappy with some of the doctrinal theories generally accepted by mainstream SSPX members, whatever their other differences with the Vatican. In particular he is unhappy with the idea that women should be allowed to attend church, or indeed to talk to men in public. "I would have been horrified to think that my own mother was a woman," he said. "I am sure that she was really a man." Bishop Williamson's latest book Virgo Maria - vir aut mulier? takes a whole new look at the mysteries of Jesus's parentage, and comes to the conclusion that there are no women in Heaven.

A woman, so not saved.

We rang Bishop Williamson again this morning, hoping for further information on his future plans, but he was unavailable for comment, having gone to the doctor's with a slight soreness in his arm, caused by excessive saluting.