How to get rid of a turbulent priest

Probably several of my readers will one day become pope (Hi, Blase! Hi, Arthur! Hi, Tina!) and will need me to advise them on how to behave. Today's topic is the vexed one of getting rid of a priest you don't like. These days, popes don't often poison priests - in fact Francis has been a model non-poisoner - and the most common solution is simple laicisation. But of course we don't laicise everyone who offends.

For example, Cardinal Cocaine, who wears a lampshade on his head and knows all about "gay" orgies can't really be said to be a problem!

Not a problem.

Likewise, Father Jimbo SJ, who can't take a cup of tea without relating it to LGBT issues, and whose Biblical teaching is best described as "imaginative", is to be welcomed into the Vatican and asked for his advice! Then there's Archbishop Paggles, who stars in homoerotic murals, doesn't really understand what a Pontifical Academy for Not Bumping People off is supposed to do, and seems to be in all sorts of other troubles. He's safe. Even Fr Rumpy, who won a prize for the worst ecclesial art ever seen, who has trouble keeping his vestments on, and who solves his problems by absolving the people he has sinned with, only gets a brief slap on the wrist from the CDF.

Rumpy's masterpiece - a drunken man surrounded by custard pies.

But what's the point of being pope if you can't sack a few people? Aha! I have it! There's this Pavanne chap of "Priests Against Murder", who is admittedly rather eccentric in his methods. Worst of all he is very very very pro-life! Emma Bonehead isn't at all happy! Mariana Mozzarella has complained!

Sack him! But do it in a Jesuit way - i.e., don't say exactly why you're sacking him. Mutter something about blasphemous communications (Uncle Wilt has explained to you that backing Donald Trump is a hideous blasphemy) and accuse him of disobeying his bishop (a catch-all, as sometimes you have to choose between God and your bishop).

Public Enemy Number One.

You are, of course, a merciful pope (as well as a humble one), so you won't be sending the Swiss Guard round to do a Thomas Becket on him. Well, not this week. Thank Heavens that the art of removing turbulent priests has evolved since the days of Henry II, and you can simply cast him into outer darkness!

The Two Popes

A new film "The Two Popes" about Pope Benedict XVI and Jorge Bergoglio (as he was then), is soon to be released. As it will soon be available on the notoriously Catholic-friendly channel Netflix, we know that it will be completely true to the facts, and sympathetic to these two holy gentlemen.

Hannibal Lecter stars as Pope Benedict, Elliot Carver as Jorge Bergoglio.

The plot (loosely based on Austen Ivereigh's pot-boiler Pope Francis, the Great Redeemer) begins with Cardinal Bergoglio paying a humble visit to Pope Benedict in order to reassure him that, when he (PB) decides to retire, he (CB) will be ready to step in and correct all the mistakes that he (PB) has made, as well as the mistakes of all the other popes (P, L, ..., J23, P6, JP1, JP2) who came before him.

Nasty old-fashioned rigid Pope, no longer required.

Benedict offers Bergoglio some liver cooked with fava beans, and a nice glass of chianti, but the cardinal humbly declines the offer and explains his plans to use an encoder obtained by his henchman, cyberterrorist Henry Gupta, to provoke war between China and the UK.

I'm sorry, Austen, we're deleting that bit. You seem to have got the plot confused with The Silence of the Lambs and Tomorrow never dies.

Anyway, more details will be available later, but it seems that the main theological discussion concerns the Beatles, and Bergoglio asks the Pope whether he knows their famous song Emma Bonino. He doesn't.

Other hard-hitting plot lines involve a criticism of Bergoglio's shoes (made from the finest Argentine Amoorish Leatheria), and a general realization from all the characters involved that Pope Benedict is BAD and Jorge Bergoglio is GOOD.

A humble modern cardinal, who would never dream of being Pope.

Pope cancels visit to Ireland

Following the Irish referendum on abortion, in which the main message (apart from "We think killing babies is OK") was "We hate Catholics", Pope Francis has decided to cancel his planned visit to Dublin this August.

Apparently, the visit was planned to coincide with concluding events of the World Meeting of Families. However it is clear that the Irish model of a family is not (as it used to be) mother, father, 8 children, and a pig (as recommended in Amoris Laetitia), but now simply a couple, possibly even same-sex, probably unmarried, and with no children whatsoever. So what's the point?

Leo Varadkar explains his policies for the family.

Ireland also suffers from a severe shortage of Catholics. The choice for the Pope lies between meeting people like Archbishop Diarmuid Martin the spineless ("the man who makes even Vincent Nichols look like a spiritual leader"), or Fr Tony Flannery the egocentric rebel and his Association of Catholic Priests ("the man who makes Fr Jack of Craggy Island look like a peaceful holy man").

One possibility is that Pope Francis will go to Belfast instead. There, the Protestants are Catholic, and the Catholics Protestant, at least when it comes to moral issues, and so the Holy Father may not be so unwelcome.

It's also possible that Francis will want to go to the mainland of Great Britain and meet Theresa May, although the old girl has also expressed her delight in the "success" of the Irish referendum. Unless the saintly Jacob Rees-Mogg is Prime Minister by August, which is about as likely as the saintly Cardinal Sarah becoming Pope by then.

Pope Francis meeting Theresa May.

Or maybe Pope Francis will go back to Chile in August. This may be a wise move as most of the Chilean Catholics are in Rome and out for his blood.

No, Pope Francis tells us that his best bet is a quiet week or two in a coastal resort such as Margate or Cromer. Fr Spadaro's got his eye on a lovely seaside cottage called "Dundictatin" which might just suit him...

Gaudete et Exsultate - Goad and Insult

This is the latest instalment in our "How to be a good Pope" series, and explains how you can issue a Call to Holiness, while at the same time settling a few scores.

Five years into your reign, things may not be going too well. Your great work Appassionata Erotica was not received as enthusiastically as you had hoped, and you have a pile of unanswered dubia, filial corrections, letters, e-mails, etc. to deal with. Why, they've even organized a conference in Rome with the theme: "Is Pope Fred bonkers, or simply thick?" This is supposed to deal with some doctrinal questions in as tactful a way as possible.

Trying to understand Appassionata Erotica.

Also, some cheeky blighter has written a book called The Megalomaniac Pope. You don't intend to read it, but you have a feeling that those skilled in textual analysis may detect traces of criticism in it.

Pausing only to phone up Booze-lager, your man in the Order of Malta, asking him to put a live scorpion in a certain author's bed, you rush off to write your exhortation "Goad and Insult". This contains:

1. Some recycled stuff from previous speeches, homilies, rants, interviews with Scalfari, etc.

2. Some attacks on straw men, which your spin-doctor Fr Spidero will interpret as referring to Burke, Sarah, Pope Benedict XVI, St Paul, Jesus, and various other people who have offended you.

3. A huge dossier contributed by Spidero, which proves that you are holy and nobody else is.

As a scarecrow, I wish to complain about these papal attacks on straw men.

Now, the two heresies you are most found of mentioning - a complete mystery to 99% of Catholics including yourself - are Gnosticism and Pelagianism. So mutter in dark tones that some people are guilty of these ancient heresies. It's far more serious than abortion (and anyway, your friend Emma Banana has asked you to go easy on that one from now on).

Perhaps for a change you could accuse your critics of Triclavianism. This is a medieval heresy that three, rather than four, nails were used to crucify Christ and that a Roman soldier pierced Him with a spear on the left, rather than right side (unless someone on Wikipedia has been having a little joke).

You've disagreed with your predecessors. Next, disagree with your successors.

Now, the biggest thorn in your side at present is probably that African chap with the girl's name. Let's call him Cardinal Sally. He's very fond of Silence, and has written a whole book about it. This goes against everything you stand for - why, you can't keep silent for more than 30 seconds at a time - so attack Silence. Who are silent? Nuns. Right, let's take a kick at the nuns. You might even start a new order, the Pope Fred Order of Screaming Nuns, who are forbidden ever to remain silent.

You might also want to take a kick at the Vatican librarian, who shushed Spadaro when he started singing Italian drinking songs in the Sex-and-Shopping section. That'll teach her!

Anyway, you get the idea. Offend as many faithful Catholics as you can - call them obsessive, absorbed and punctilious if they try to keep the commandments - while pointing out that you alone are truly holy. As long as James Martin, Massimo Faggioli, and Austen Ivereigh praise you, nobody else matters!

"I'm afraid you've got a bad Apostolic Exhortation, Fr Jones."
"Oh no, Holy Father, parts of it are excellent."

Fr James Martin finally "comes out"

It was long suspected from his lifestyle and the way he dresses; it will dismay many of his supporters, who still had confidence in him. However, we must admit that it is becoming increasingly common, among Catholic priests, as well as the laity.

Every year there are numerous marches and political campaigns on this issue, which irritate so many people. Even priests and bishops have been known to take part. But the movement seems to be unstoppable, and Fr James Martin SJ has finally nailed his colours to the mast.

Yes, Father James is pro-life!

Well, we on this blog are very broad minded, and we have come to accept the "love that dare not speak its name" - the preference for happy smiling babies to dismembered corpses. Fr James's own orientation has our full sympathy.

Of course, it was not always entirely clear which way Fr James swung. His preference for Hillary Clinton, the supporter of the Planned Parenthood "get your baby parts here, folks, and help make the lovely Mary Gatter an extremely rich woman" organization, was a little surprising. Still, we must remember that the alternative was Donald Trump, who is of course literally Adolf Hitler!

The flamboyant black and white costume is a bit of a giveaway!

Will other Catholic priests now come out, as Fr James has done? In the Vatican, there is said to be a large "pro-life" Mafia, although it is hard to see exactly where Pope Francis lies, following his suspiciously close relationship with Emma Bonino.

Well, our apologies for yet another post on the weird and wonderful James Martin SJ, theologian extraordinary, member of the friends of Canaanite women, builder of bridges, etc. But this bombshell could hardly be kept secret, and since "coming out" Fr James has been overwhelmed both by messages of support and by hateful misopedic abuse.

Still... as for his theology...

Emma Bonino - a lost Beatles song

Ah, look at all the stupid people!
Ah, look at all the stupid people!

Emma Bonino killed all the kids
In the womb with a bicycle pump -
Ten thousand dead.
Speaks in a church now,
Wearing the face that has launched many thousands of deaths.
What is it for?

All the stupid people,
Where do they all come from?
All the stupid people,
Where do they all belong?

Papa Francisco
Writing the words of a sermon that no one believes.
No one comes near.
Praises Bonino,
Says she is great, though she thinks rather differently.
What does he care?

All the stupid people,
Where do they all come from?
All the stupid people,
Where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the stupid people!
Ah, look at all the stupid people!

Emma Bonino died in her sins
And was buried and went down to Hell.
Nobody cared.
Papa Francisco wiping the dirt
From his hands as he walks from the grave.
No one was saved!

All the stupid people (Ah, look at all the stupid people!)
Where do they all come from?
All the stupid people (Ah, look at all the stupid people!)
Where do they all belong?

Pope Francis gives advice in an aeroplane

Knowing that Pope Francis regards aeroplanes mainly as places in which to impart new teaching, his press officer, Federico Lombardi, has negotiated for him the duty of doing the airline safety briefings. Nothing can go wrong, can it?

"Please give this encyclical your full attention."

Francis: Now, all you modern gnostics need to be restrained. Will you please BELT UP?

Lombardi: The Holy Father is asking you to fasten your seat belts, please.

F: There are six exits in this plane, plus an additional door of mercy leading into the pilots' cabin. In an emergency, you must go through the door of mercy.

L: This is not an ex cathedra change of doctrine, since the Holy Father is standing up, not sitting in his seat. His instructions may be interpreted as saying that you should leave by the usual exits.

Captain Dolan maintains that everything is under control.

F: If the oxygen supply fails, condoms will drop down...

L: ... oxygen masks...

F: Place the mask over your ear, unless you are the sort of rosary-counting museum mummy who insists on putting it over the mouth and nose!

L: This is fully in accordance with the teaching of Pope Paul VI. I can't actually find a reference for it, but I'm sure he said something rather like it.

"Should a pope sit quietly, or stand up and embarrass people?"

F: In the event of landing on water, please stay in the plane and drown. Unless you are a Christian hypocrite only interested in formalities, when you may find a life-jacket under your seat.

L: Pull the red tag to inflate it.

F: NO! That is the sign of a watered-down faith, and a weak-hoped Christian!

L: What do the light and whistle do?

F: They are there to attract attention. Alternatively, just put on a sombrero and say the first "doctrine" that comes into your head. It works for me!

L: Well, you got that right.

Do not inflate the sombrero before leaving the plane!

F: I'm a great fan of Emma Bonino, you know.

L: Yes, well that's all we've got time for. Enjoy your flight.