Primate gathering in Canterbury

Over now to the Anglican Communion, where the news is that Canterbury will be hosting the long-awaited gathering of primates. Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, is representing the humans, but - the Anglicans being a very broad church - we shall also see baboons, gorillas, chimpanzees, etc. taking part. There will also be a guest keynote speech from King Küng the dissident Catholic.

Veneration of relics, from the last gathering in 2001

The meeting is expected to be very controversial, with disagreement on a variety of topics. For example, vestments: only the human clergy tend to wear clothes in church, but that is because (with the exception of Rowan Williams) they are not entirely covered in fur. Also, consider the case of Katharine Jefferts Schori. She wears the worst vestments you've ever seen outside a clown act in the circus, but the prospect of her stripping off is even more terrifying.

Keep them on, Kathy!

Another issue is bananas. No, nothing to do with the views of Giles Fraser (who accidentally wrote something sensible recently), but the fruit. Many primates find it hard to obtain bread and wine, and would prefer bananas as an alternative for Communion.

Then there's swinging from the beams, while scratching oneself under the arms. For many primates this is an acceptable form of worship, but for conservative Anglicans it may be a liturgical dance too far.

More tea, vicar?

Then there is the liturgy. Could it not be reduced to a simple "Oook!"? The Catholic Paul Inwood has offered to produce a chant "Alleluia, oook, oook!" in the interests of ecumenical understanding.

Indeed, the Vatican itself has been very much involved in Primates 2016, lending St Gregory's crozier to the Church of England for the occasion (also, as it happens, Canterbury Cathedral, which has been on loan on and off since 1536).

The Vatican marks the primate gathering

Good luck, chaps! Oook oook oook!

Dawkins comes to dinner

The amateur theologian, Professor Richard Dawkins, has said that it was now possible to go to a dinner party and assume that no one was religious.

I assure you, Professor Dawkins, that I really am religious.

The explanation, of course, is simple: Richard is never invited to the sort of dinner party where he might meet people whose views would upset him. Since one of the missions of this blog is to help Richard Dawkins on his road to being saved, we invited him to dinner.

Our French cook, who had been in Genoa, prepared us a dish he called Shellfish Gênes, which we knew would go down well with the learned Professor.

So what other guests should we invite? We thought of Stephen Fry. After throwing up, we stopped thinking of him. No, we wanted people who would challenge Dawkins with orthodox religious views.

Kieran Conry - going bananas.

Although malicious people said that Kieran had sold himself for a mess of Pease Pottage (a witty joke based on his episcopal address), he is, after all, a bishop.

"Bishop, you've been getting criticised a lot on religious blogs recently, after your half-baked comments about one of your priests."
I don't read blogs. Especially not Eccles's blog, which insulted me seven times last month. I counted them.
"Yes, well some of the newspapers are less than enthusiastic about you."
I don't read newspapers.
"And the papal encyclicals appear to contradict many of your views."
I don't read papal encyclicals.
"And the Bible's teaching seems to contradict you from time to time."
I don't read the Bible.

Kieran's friends at ACTA are not universally loved.

We've been hearing a lot about the dissident Catholic group ACTA/ACTOR ("A call to outright rebellion"), and we invited a few members to our dinner party. They explained to us their latest plans for "making the Pope sit up and take notice of us". These include showing disrespect to all religious authority apart from God. "And even God had better watch His step, if He knows what's good for Him."

We're going to ignore the liturgy, and do our own thing. For example, we'll say "Yadda Yadda Yadda" instead of "through my own most grievous fault", just to make it clear that we don't have any grievous faults. We are also very keen on individual conscience, so out goes that dusty old Bible, and in comes a personal statement of morals. If my conscience tells me that it's all right to marry a porcupine, then I shall marry a porcupine, and clasp it to my bosom.

But think of the children...

We had thought of inviting Bill Gardner, the religious affairs correspondent of the Brighton Argus, but he was out delivering soup to the poor and needy. As it happens, my friend Damian Thompson was unable to come to the dinner party, having been upset by a shocking story in the Argus.

Another scoop for the Argus.

Well, a good time was had by all, and Dawkins was sent home having been exposed to some of the finest religious minds of our time (including several Tablet journalists). I asked him afterwards what it felt like to be surrounded by devoutly religious people all evening. "You're having me on, Eccles!" he replied.

Next time I'll invite one of those Indian fakers...

De return of Bruvver Bosco

My darlin bruvver gettin ready to visit a sacred shrine

Well, it was over 6 months since we heard much of my big bruvver Bosco (we left him in Callifornia sittin on a pole), but now we got news dat he is in England. Bosco tellephonned me and said "Eccles, I is goin to de Ollympic Games in London, so dat I can sabbotage de Vatican Ollympic team by throwin banana skins under dem. Dem costume holly men aint gonna git any meddles wiv me around."

Well I looked around, but it didn't seem dere was much of a Vatican team. Dey has recriuted Arthur Roche, de famuos ice-skater, but dat will be for de next Winter Ollympics, it seems.

Farver, is you sure dis is an Ollympic event?

Still, we did find some worryin signs of iddle worship, and I fink Bosco needs to come along and do some smitin.

Iddle worshipper seen in London

Bosco decided not to go to London, which is a grate pity, as we was all reddy to kill de fatted calf for de prodigious son. In fact we aint got a fatted calf, but Anti Moly was gonna make him a Cronish Pastie instead - bein a crone herself she got de authentick recipe. However, Bosco decided to go to Wallsingham, which is a holly place in Norfolk. Dey gots lotsa shrines dere, like Angliccan, Cathlic and Orthoddox, wot is all unsaved poeple, and Bosco was plannin to open a branch of de Calumny Chappel dere to show de piglrims what really saved poeople looks like.

Bosco is alreddy startin to make his mark there. De Cathlics has got a Slipper Chappel at Wallsingham, and Bosco bein a witty sort of pusson has left lotsa banana skins outside it - de ones he was gonna use for de Pop's Ollympic team - so dat all de piglrims is now slippin over, and swearin in a way dat piglrims doesnt often do.

A piglrim on de way to de Slipper Chappel

It seems dat Bosco aint too impressed by Wallsingham so far. "Iddles everywhere!" he screemed. Bosco, dere, if you is reedin dis blogg, perhaps you could comment from de perspecktive of a saved pusson, wot you fink of dis Sattanic iddle wot I seen in London?

Sattanic iddle seen in London

Where has all de Cathlics gone?

Dat's a photto of Prince Chalres. Anti Moly is very excitted cos he and Camila is comin to Austriala as part of de celebratoins of de Jubillee. "I was hoppin for Prince Phillip, as I fink he's a charmin yuong man," she said, "but Chalres will do instead. Dis is a very thuoghtful man, and maybe he can do somefink about dem possums dat is tormentin me. Dey is keepin me awake all night, jumpin up and down on de roof, so I can't sleep, and I is obligged to stay up bloggin till dawn."

What's more she is frustratted as she cant find any more Cathlics to insullt. Dey has all gone off to an unknown destinnatoin. "Dey're hidin somewhere, I knows it!" she shouts. "Eccles, just check under de bed in case dere is a fannatical traddy clique hidin dere, will you?"

She was very cross wiv me, cos I buoght some banananas from a man in de street. For some reasons she didn't like dem.

"Eccles, hasnt you reallised dat dem's traddy banananas, grown on de Pop's pussonal slave plantatoins, where wommen is explioted, while de missogynist men sits aruond playin cards?" she asked me. I mannaged to run out of de room before she cuold tell me it was woful.

We has had to return little Markus de boy scuot to de orphannage, so dat Anti and me can make an expeditoin to Sidney, but he is feelin very pleased wiv hisself, cos Uncle Dakwins has given him some more badges.

"Dis one is for mentoinin Spinozza on a blogg. I fuoght he was a sort of washin-machine, but Uncle Richard says he is a ratoinalist, like me, which means he is much clevverer dan dem bronze age people wot believed in sky farries," he said. "Next week I is gonna get annuvver badge if I can read a page of Bertram Russell wivvout fallin asleep."

Dat's a pitcher of Spinozza bein ratoinal, he's finkin hard and havvin a meltdown like Anti Moly.

Finally I has got some news of my dere bruvver Bosco. Since he posted on dis blogg sayin dat he was gonna train as a 90th degree freemasson warrlock, his studdies has been goin very well. He tells me dat he is alreddy at de 5th degree, and will soon be reddy to drink de blud of babbies, scarifice vergins, and pioson little old laddies. He has got a schollarship from de Obamma fuondatoin for his studdies - apparently Pressident Obamma is very keen on fings like dat, cos dey annoys de Cathlics.

Dat's Bosco's homework project, dey has to use up some spare parts and make somefink wiv dem. I fink it cuold be a new luv interrest for Anti Moly - frankly, I fink he's more her type dan Cradinal Pell is.

Takin de collectoin

Bosco dressed up as a nun to go to de Cathlic churhc, as part of his cunning plan to grab de collectoin. Dat was to stop it goin to dem costume holly men what is all pevrets.

We bruoght along wiv us some more spirritaul poeple from de Calumny Chappel to give Bosco morral suport as he entered de dreadful place full of unsaved poeple. Dese freinds of ours doesnt dress up as clowns, Jessus has told dem dat dey is banananas.

I walks in wiv Bosco and has a little chat wiv de old guy at de back givin out de hynmbooks.

"Ullo, buster," says I. "I is a saved pusson what has been fished out of a deep pit by Jessus, and is washed clean. I was a misserable sinner but now I is a heavenly bein. Praise de Lord, buster."
"Dat must be very nice for you," says de old guy. "Take a coppy of de new litturgy. It have been transslated again, to get rid of de Bibblical bits wot we Cathlics didnt like. Dont forgit to kiss de gravven immages as you goes in."

Bosco also explanes dat he wuold like to take de collectoin. "Dat's very kind of you, sister," says de old man. "Wot you does is get de punters to put money in dis plate, den you brings it up to de front, and de preist grabs it and uses it to buy whisky."

De time for taking collectoin was durin a hynm, and I was watchin Bosco as he got de widdows to put in dere cash. "Dat aint enuogh, sister!" he said to a little old lady. "Turn out your handbagg. And dat's a mighty fine golden chane you is wearin, we'll have dat as well. Better to go to Heaven wiv no chane, than to end up in de Lake of Fire wiv a golden chane."

So Bosco collected a record amount for Cathlic charittable causes (de costume holly man's whisky fund).

He managed to conceal de loot in his pew, plannin to take it out wiv him at de end. But in de Cathlic service dere is a place where de costume holly man says "We now gonna share de peace wiv our neihgbors," and you gotta shake hands wiv all de people nearby even if dey aint saved.

Bosco he was claspin hands wiv de girls in de row in front and dey was tryin to stop him claspin uvver parts of dere boddies, when he got hit very hard in de back, and a strange man behind him said "Oi! Give us de peace, clown, or I'll beat yer up!"

"Oh yeah?" says Bosco. "Here, want me to do de Vulcan Death gripp of peace, you loser?" and he knokced de strange man down to the gruond. "Rest in peace," said my bruvver Bosco, I fink he got a little confussed over dis new litturgy.

Well, Bosco escapped from de churhc wivvout too many wuonds dis time, but he didnt get to take de collectoin wiv him, so I guess de costume holly man must have got it after all.