The World Meeting of Comedians is a great success

H. E. Cardinal Blase Cupich, Bishop Peter Doyle, H.E. Cardinal Kevin Farrell, H.E. Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriquez Maradiaga, Fr James Martin S.J., H.E. Cardinal Vincent Nichols, H.E. Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, H.E. Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle, H.E. Cardinal Joseph Tobin, ... admit it, you're in stitches already at the thought of so many great comics present in one place at one time.

Regular fans will already be giggling and reciting these comedians' catch-phrases, such as "Nighty-night, baby!" or "Funds are not transferred in my name, but in the name of the archdiocese," or even, "I knew nothing of what McCarrick was doing!" and "Building a bridge!" The land that gave us Father Ted, a comedy about dysfunctional priests, was the perfect place to host its sequel, Uncle Ted.

After the Viganò dossier appeared, the emoji was hastily changed.

Of course, it was a great shame that Cardinal Wuerl was unable to come: our stall selling rotten eggs and tomatoes would have done much better business. Still, we were not there to look for profits, or even prophets.

"I'm so pleased that you weren't excluded, Father!"

Everything was designed to produce a feast of mirth, but one thing was lacking. We had druidical vestments (very good), but where were the bad hymns? No "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine Jesus, Shine"? Damian Lundy is turning in his grave, as would be Paul Inwood, Dan Schutte, and Bernadette Farrell, if anyone had bothered to bury them.

The Druids of Dublin, by Picasso.

One great mystery remains: why DID Cardinal Farrell use toilet cleaner rather than Holy Water? We asked him, and he replied that he was not there at the time; so what can one do?

Pope Francis was there, of course, hence the emoji we began with. He's having a difficult time at the moment, and we did speculate that, on the flight back, they might choose to drop him off at Elba, near which his aeroplane flew. But no, he made it back to Rome safely, and is now lying low and saying nuffin'. Well, it worked for the Dubia...

The next WMOF, Italy 2021, will star Pope Pius XIII (Cardinal Sarah).

The Pope's letter to the People of God

Most people will be unaware of this - I only found out today when Spadaro accidentally let the cat out of the bag - but there have been one or two complaints about our bishops and clergy recently.

WE ARE ALL GUILTY.

Well, not me of course. As has been observed by that nice man Stephen Walford who dusts my piano, and that little gnome chap Austen Ivereigh, I am INFALLIBLE, which means that nothing is ever my fault. I'm happy to clear that up for you.

Endangered Creatures like this are almost extinct!

I was hoping to meet my dear friend Donna Wuerl in Dublin so that I could find out what's going on, but he's sent me a telegram: "I regret that I have suddenly died. Sorry." My agents tell me that in fact he has not died, but has gone into hiding with some other handsome priests. I do hope he is not avoiding me.

Anyway, let's try again with that headline.

YOU ARE ALL GUILTY.

Especially the laity. You're all guilty of clericalism. Well, it would be scandalous to blame the clergy. Even more scandalous to blame the bishops. So PLEASE do not de-bag your bishop and push him into the river. Even if it's Farrell, or Tobin, or Cupich. Resist the temptation!

My top adviser Fr James Martin SJ assures me that it's nothing to do with "gay" clergy either. After all, he says that he wants our clergy to be celibate, and none of the "Friends of Jimmy" shows any inclination whatsoever to get married. Well, not to a woman. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as it says in the Latin Missal.

New vestments from "Maison Jimmy" of New York!

So that's everything sorted, isn't it? Now, let's look at some of the more serious problems facing the Church. Climate Change - isn't that the real cause of all our problems? Or maybe plastic straws.

Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope? "The name's Francis, Pope Francis." With a Licence to Kill the Magisterium. Can you imagine a black person - like Robert Sarah - taking the role? Of course not. The next actor to portray the Pope should be someone like Cardinal Wuerl. If only we can work out where he's hiding...

I feel your pain!