The World Meeting of Comedians is a great success

H. E. Cardinal Blase Cupich, Bishop Peter Doyle, H.E. Cardinal Kevin Farrell, H.E. Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriquez Maradiaga, Fr James Martin S.J., H.E. Cardinal Vincent Nichols, H.E. Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, H.E. Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle, H.E. Cardinal Joseph Tobin, ... admit it, you're in stitches already at the thought of so many great comics present in one place at one time.

Regular fans will already be giggling and reciting these comedians' catch-phrases, such as "Nighty-night, baby!" or "Funds are not transferred in my name, but in the name of the archdiocese," or even, "I knew nothing of what McCarrick was doing!" and "Building a bridge!" The land that gave us Father Ted, a comedy about dysfunctional priests, was the perfect place to host its sequel, Uncle Ted.

After the Viganò dossier appeared, the emoji was hastily changed.

Of course, it was a great shame that Cardinal Wuerl was unable to come: our stall selling rotten eggs and tomatoes would have done much better business. Still, we were not there to look for profits, or even prophets.

"I'm so pleased that you weren't excluded, Father!"

Everything was designed to produce a feast of mirth, but one thing was lacking. We had druidical vestments (very good), but where were the bad hymns? No "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine Jesus, Shine"? Damian Lundy is turning in his grave, as would be Paul Inwood, Dan Schutte, and Bernadette Farrell, if anyone had bothered to bury them.

The Druids of Dublin, by Picasso.

One great mystery remains: why DID Cardinal Farrell use toilet cleaner rather than Holy Water? We asked him, and he replied that he was not there at the time; so what can one do?

Pope Francis was there, of course, hence the emoji we began with. He's having a difficult time at the moment, and we did speculate that, on the flight back, they might choose to drop him off at Elba, near which his aeroplane flew. But no, he made it back to Rome safely, and is now lying low and saying nuffin'. Well, it worked for the Dubia...

The next WMOF, Italy 2021, will star Pope Pius XIII (Cardinal Sarah).

Book about Church of England to be pulped

A new book about the Church of England, That Was The Church That Was, by spiritual giants Andrew Brown and Linda Woodhead, has been withdrawn by the publishers because of "a disputed passage about a Christian leader". Damian Thompson has made some valiant efforts to discover what the fuss is about, but only this blog has the real story.

This book is dynamite!

In fact, there are several allegations that the Church of England is desperately trying to suppress. The first concerns its founder, Henry VIII, who is as much a figure of veneration to all Anglicans as St Peter, and the man who earned the title Fidei Defensor, which his successors bear so proudly.

It is claimed that Henry VIII was a nasty piece of work who tended to cut people's heads off whenever he felt like it, and treated at least four of his six "wives" rather badly. If this gossip were to leak out - and so far only readers of this blog know it - then the Church of England would be forced to close.

The skeleton in Justin Welby's cupboard.

Of course, dead people can't sue, and the publishers are really more worried about revelations about living Christian leaders. Take Prince Charles, for example. There are claims that he was a less than totally faithful husband to his first wife, Diana. (We can discount claims that his own father conspired to kill her, either with MI5, Amnesty International, or the Mothers' Union.) Still, this man will - in thirty years or so - become Supreme Governor of the Church, and if the secret ever leaks out...

Will Mo get his chance to be the first Muslim head of the C of E?

Other shocking stories circulating about senior Anglicans include rumours that Archbishop Rowan Williams has converted to druidism, that Archbishop George Carey supports assisted suicide, and that Canon Giles Fraser doesn't really believe in either the Devil or the Virgin Birth. If any of these turns out to be true, then the C of E may as well close down now and give most of its churches back to the Catholics.

The Archbishop of Stonehenge.

As Damian Thompson puts it: "For the time being, the Church of England is being protected from this atrocious book by somebody’s lawyers. But for how long?"

Arundel and Brighton's Festival 50

This weekend the pope's visit to Ecuador, Bolivia and Paraguay has been overshadowed by a much more significant event - the 50th Birthday Celebrations of the Arundel and Brighton Diocese. Here are some of the events you may have missed by going to Ecuador instead.

Bishop Moth requested that we NOT sing "If I were a butterfly..."

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor gave a keynote address on "How Team Bergoglio chose the new pope", explaining that if it hadn't been for his efforts we'd have been landed with Cardinal Dolan demonstrating papal inanity.

(Anglican) Archbishop Rowan Williams spoke on "Anglicans, Catholics and Druids - they're all the same really," before saying - in an apparent reference to austerity measures - "We must all make sacrifices!"

Off to Stonehenge!

Fr Timothy Radcliffe OP explained his highly original views on "Gay sex - it's God's gift, it's Catholic, and it's eucharistic!"

We also enjoyed a performance of Paul Inwood's "gathering chant" "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo".

Of course there were many other speakers, whose names did not appear on the official programme:

Michael Coren gave a fascinating lecture on "Why Catholics are right", before bursting into tears and saying "Actually, this week I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

Michael Coren, also known as Judge Anthony Kennedy, a great fan of "gay marriage".

Damian Thompson of the Spectator spoke on "Attending Mass - an old Catholic tradition revived". He explained that - contrary to popular belief - attending mass was not forbidden by Vatican II, and that many traddies were trying to revive the custom.

Bishop Emeritus Kieran Conry gave an address on "If you're chaste, expect to be caught!" and showed us his very interesting holiday snaps.

Entertainment from the ACTA youth group.

Basil Loftus gave a speech entitled "Proud to be a heretic", in which he said that future generations would forget Gnosticism, Arianism, Pelagianism, and Nestorianism, and instead speak in hushed tones of Loftusism, which contained a far richer collection of wacky ideas.

Finally, Professor Tina Beattie gave a surprising talk, in which she swore total fidelity to the Catholic Magisterium and labelled anyone who tried to change Catholic teaching "a heretic of the worst kind". She was later taken to hospital complaining of sunstroke.

Writing to your M.P.

Not the best way to start your letter.

At this time many people will be writing to their Members of Parliament about the issue of same-sex marriage. We offer a few tips, designed to help you write the most effective and persuasive letter.

There are many ways to start the letter: "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam" is the traditional way, but it may lay you open to a charge of transphobia. "Dear Humanoid" is safe enough, and may be used if you are uncertain of the exact species of your M.P.

Dear Humanoid.

Alternatively, you may wish to use the M.P.'s name, but be careful: Sir Archibald FitzHaggis of that Ilk should be addressed as "Dear Archie" or "Dear Spotty" if you know him well enough, but NOT "Dear Ilk." Starting your letter "Harriet, you old cow," "Dave, you slimy creep," or "Gordon, you lazy toad" is unlikely to endear yourself to the M.P. in question.

Next, you may wish to explain how religion influences your views on same-sex marriage. For example, if you are a Christian of some sort, then you probably want to uphold Christ's own views on marriage (unless you are Giles Fraser).

How many mistakes can you spot in this picture (not counting Giles Fraser)?

Mentioning that you are a Catholic may be counterproductive if your M.P. has been reading the inane ramblings of Richard Dawkins. It may be safer to say you are an Anglican, and hope that the M.P. will feel sorry for you. Claiming to be a Muslim may be very effective, especially if you offer to go round to the M.P.'s house with some friends to explain yourself further. If you happen to be a Scientologist, Jehovah's Witness, Mormon or Druid, then forget it: your M.P. won't even read the rest of the letter.

So that's agreed, then. We'll say we're Methodists.

Some other persuasive arguments you may use:

Blackmail. Say you know all about Eulalie (this is the P.G. Wodehouse ploy). There are many macho-looking M.P.s in mining constituences who design lingerie in their spare time. If you're called "The Thug of Gritville" you may not want your feminine side to be known. (Of course, being a thug is an equal-opportunity role, and there are many female M.P.s who rejoice in nicknames such as "The Battleaxe of Milton Pangle." Use your initiative here.)

Our "Peggy" range is selling well too.

Money. Most M.P.s love money, and will do anything for a little extra cash. The simple words "I have long respected you, and felt that your life would be enriched by the gift of a duck house" will go straight to the heart of your M.P.

Essential equipment for an M.P.

Embarrassment. It may seem excessive, but you could threaten to throw yourself under the M.P.'s car, or simply to turn up on the M.P.'s doorstep with a particularly ugly "love child." There is a problem here, in that most M.P.s, having no sense of shame, are not easily embarrassed.

Well, I hope that has been useful. Probably, it will also be helpful to send a copy of the photo below to your M.P., just to convince him completely.

If he sings "Where's your mother gone?" again, I'm going to be sick.