Is the Extraordinary Pope under threat?

Could the Extraordinary Pope, which became valid after the 2013 motu proprio, Some Morose Pontifex, be under threat?

We have learned that a questionnaire has been sent out to the bishops by Cardinal Ladaria of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith , who is anxious to be informed as to the current application of the aforementioned document. There is some concern among Catholics that the Extraordinary Pope will be withdrawn, and we shall be left with the Ordinary Pope ("Emergency Pope" Benedict).

The Extraordinary Pope is sometimes badly attended.

Here are the questions being asked about the Extraordinary Pope:

1. Does the Extraordinary Pope satisfy a true pastoral need, or is he just promoted by a single priest?

2. In your opinion, are there positive and negative aspects of the use of the Extraordinary Pope?

3. Are the new doctrines established by the Extraordinary Pope generally respected? Please be polite.

4. Has your diocese adopted the customs and habits of the Extraordinary Pope? Was anyone arrested?

5. Which of the following EP documents have you read: Laudato Si', The Maltese Takeover, Amoris Laetitia, Scooby Dubia Dubia, Gaudete et Exsultate, Querida Amazonia, Pachamama for Beginners, Mother Earth Throws a Tantrum.

The Extraordinary Pope uses artifacts not seen in other forms of Catholic worship.

Obviously this issue is of great concern to all Catholics, and it is being seen as the first step in withdrawing the Extraordinary Pope entirely. We will keep you posted.

Latin abuse amongst young people

The history of the problem.

It is hard to believe that, until about 50 years ago, it was considered socially acceptable to get "high" on Latin. For example, Vincenzo Gioacchino Raffaele Luigi Pecci, a leading writer of the 19th century, wrote a successful memoir Confessions of a Latin-speaker, in which he admitted that he had been obtaining spiritual experiences through the use of Latin Masses, and even softer drugs such as the Rosary, Veneration, and even simple prayers.

Rumours that Pecci also experimented with Bovril are probably exaggerated.

In the 1960s there was a long-overdue clampdown on Latin, and the Spirit of Vatican II (if not the actual congress itself) drove use of it underground. Of course there were always hippies who continued to indulge in it, and we all remember Woodstock, that great open-air Latin Mass of 1969, featuring such bands as Gloria in Excelsis, Credo, and Agnus Dei.

However, it was generally agreed that the use of Latin Masses could severely cut one's time in Purgatory, and - in Catholic circles at least - spiritual experiences were frowned upon. Too fit in with the Zeitgeist (German for "Spirit of Vatican II"), it was necessary to root ones worship in more secular rituals, such as the Sign of Peace, the use of clowns and puppets, liturgical dancing, and of course hymns that were indistinguishable from pop songs.

Laudato sing-songs for tree-huggers!

But there is a problem!

Yes, I was coming to that. Although it is fiercely denied by bishops, priests, school chaplains, and the like, the "yoof" of today are beginning to experiment with Extraordinary Forms once more. A few sample comments from young people whom we interviewed:

"Until I tried the older form, I hadn't realised that Mass was all about God. I thought the highlight was supposed to be the Sign of Peace, as that's the point at which people started getting interested."

"This Gregorian chant is COOL. Can we get Gregory to write some more?"

"Call me 'rigid' if you must, Pope Francis, dude, but I'm hooked!"

One of the warning signs of Latin abuse - a mantilla!

What is the solution?

Of course it is the duty of every Catholic to drive the Latin Mass underground. Although that liberal pope, Benedict XVI, made it easier to get access to Latin, there are still many reliable bishops who will tell you, "It's still illegal!" And there are priests who argue "Get lost, there's no demand for an Extraordinary Form Mass. And you're the 50th person I've had to turn away today!"

Make it a thing to be ashamed about. "Yes, your grandparents experimented with such substances - even your ancestors did for hundreds of years - but we modernists know better than they did, just as Pope Francis's Magisterium is better than anything the previous Popes and Doctors of the Church taught!"

No, the only safe way to worship is in Vernacular. So if you're in Swansea it will be Catalan, or if in Barcelona it will be Welsh. Because Vernacular is a very useful language - nearly as important as Italian, the language preferred by great thinkers such as Bergoglio, Spadaro, Faggioli, Coccopalmerio... Whoever wrote anything worth reading in Latin or Greek?

Hands up, everyone who wants to look "with it"!

It is the "yoof" who are the problem. We invite them to World Yoof Day, where they can sing and dance, celebrating Mass with plastic cups and watching bishops acting like pantomime dames; but they will insist on looking for something deeper.

We're not worried about the older Latin junkies - who cares what they think, and anyway they're going to die off. No, it is the "yoof" that need protecting, and that means "NO LATIN".

Where are the police? Why aren't they doing something? Doesn't it count as a hate crime to use Latin?

Protect our kids, and ban this book!

Pope Francis approves electronic tagging for clergy

As reported by Rorate Caeli, the Vatican is taking steps to keep its cardinals under control; if one of them is absent from Rome he is asked to let the Secretariat know where he is.

Sensors indicate that Cardinal Burke is hiding somewhere round here.

In phase 2, it is planned to extend this to all clergy, with the introduction of electronic tagging using the TAGLE^TM: this is a white collar worn round the neck, and if you see any priests so dressed, you can be sure that they are already under surveillance.

The Vatican's main computer AMORIS (Analytical Machine for Organizing Radically Innovative Services) will process the data transmitted by priests and bishops worldwide, and flag up any signs of "rigid" practice. For example, the tag will be able to detect whether the priest is facing east for an extended period of time, and warn the Pope that an Extraordinary Form Mass may be taking place. In addition, a smoke detector fitted to the tag will record the excessive use of incense.

A rigid priest. No chance of promotion if this gets out!

Priests who wish their masses to find favour with the Pope are recommended to move around a lot, perhaps in some form of liturgical dance, as the tag will detect this and transmit a signal saying "It's OK, this priest is one of us". Also the tag will detect (and approve) the use of hymns with particularly banal rhythms and harmony, especially those containing clapping and words such as "Ch-ch". On the other hand, sounds of Gregorian chant will set off a persistent high-pitched whistling from the tag. You have been warned, Father.

"Nothing can block the signal!" A model shows off the Rosica version.

QUAERITUR: Is Latin bad for your soul?

Over at the little-known Rorate Caeli blog, they have broken the news that Michael Olson, the bishop of Fort Worth, Texas, has banned the Extraordinary Form of the Latin Mass at Fisher-More College (which is odd, as Fisher and More would have been amazed to see a Mass celebrated in English).

+Worth.

In his letter, +Worth issues various threats (called "norms"), explaining "I make these norms out of my pastoral solicitude and care for the students of Fisher-More College, as well as for your own soul."

As a well-regarded arbiter of moral issues, I have been asked, "Is Latin bad for your soul?" So here is some definitive advice on the degrees of sinfulness involved.

Latin or Soul? The great dilemma.

Slightly sinful: using expressions like "e.g.", "i.e.", "Q.E.D." and "R.I.P." in conversation (not realising that they are LATIN). You should certainly mention this at Confession.

Dangerously sinful: deliberately showing off with expressions such as ipso facto or persona non grata. Atone for this by making a pilgrimage on your knees to a holy place such as Fort Worth.

In peril of damnation: attending Mass and using expressions such as Gloria in Excelsis Deo, which God regards as a personal insult. Will probably be excommunicated, just as soon as they've got round to dealing with Enda Kenny.

Damned for all eternity: attending an Extraordinary Form Mass, similar to those celebrated by all Catholics fifty years ago. No hope of being saved!

Pope John XXIII: canonization cancelled after complaints from Bishop Olson.

I hope that helps.

Reading Francis through Eccles

Pope Francis has a habit of making off-the-cuff remarks, some of which are misreported, mistranslated, misunderstood, or simply too profound to be understood immediately. As a service to our long-suffering readers, we present a cut-out-and-throw-away guide to some of the Holy Father's alleged obiter dicta.

That's a fine Pinocchio puppet. May we borrow it for the Good Friday Mass in Rome?

Eccles writes: Pope Francis is known for his courtesy. Rather than telling people to stop patronizing God and dumbing down his worship, he uses a gently ironic tone. The priest to whom these words were spoken is now a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist, who offers the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, replacing Pinocchio with a large Pius X puppet.

How nice to see you, President Hollande. I am a great admirer of yours.

In fact, what the Pope said was, "Thou hast had five mistresses: and she whom thou now hast is not thy wife, either, you dirty old man (John 4:18). Oh, and you can drop that stupid same-sex marriage nonsense too." As a result, President Hollande has vowed to lead a much better life, and is now training as a Catholic priest (fortunately, he has never married).

Will someone do something about that bloody crow?

Almost certainly, Pope Francis said nothing of the sort. We believe he said, "As St Francis did, I love all God's creatures. Although, to be fair, it is sometimes hard to love mosquitoes."

Self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians? Arentchasickofem?

Pope Francis's words were in fact a little more nuanced. "Who am I to judge if people sincerely wish to practise neo-pelagianism? Of course I prefer them to do so in a non-Promethean way, if at all possible. And if they insist on being self-absorbed as well, then perhaps they should think again about the possible implications of their practices."

The ancient liturgy is just a fashion.

Of course no Pope would ever make a derogatory comment about the Latin Mass, given that its importance was stressed at the Vatican II council, and the fact that Catholics throughout the ages have treasured its beauty, richness, and holiness. Clearly, the Holy Father was simply trying to be "nice" to a group of Latin-hating Czechs, including the notorious Basil Lovtuš, Pavel Invód, and representatives of the infamous Bíttapil newspaper.

An audience with Paul Inwood

Having read the startling comment from Paul Inwood, the Prostecnic Vogon Jeltz of Catholic worship, claiming that Pope Benedict - a mere novice in these matters - had made an incorrect statement about liturgy, I hurried down to Portsmouth for an audience with the great man.

Pope Paul VII.

The palace of Pope Paul VII is truly magnificent, as one would expect from a man of his distinction and importance (he told me). I entered and knelt before "the man who put the 'litter' in 'liturgy.'" Paul was sitting on a golden throne, and he graciously allowed me to kiss his ring. In one corner of the room, there stood a choir of mystic monks, intoning a solemn and dignified Gregorian chant. This surprised me, as I had been expecting a choir to be singing "Alleluia Ch-Ch" in one-part harmony, but it was later explained to me by an aide that "round here, Inwoodian chant is business, Gregorian is pleasure."

Hell - one place where you are sure to hear Paul Inwood's music.

So I asked the man they call the Head of the Caterwaul Church about his relations with his great rival in Rome. "Benedict is fundamentally a good man," he said, "although of course he is not an educated man like what I is, and he does not have access to an army of advisers as I do. No wonder he made the blunder of denying that Pope Paul VI had abrogated the EF Mass. Benedict evidently hadn't read the Encyclical De Musica Vulgarissima in which it was specifically asked that all content be removed from the liturgy, and that henceforth we should sing jolly songs involving finger-snaps and animal noises."

A modern congregation appreciates the music of Paul Inwood.

Knowing that Paul Inwood's pronouncements are generally believed to be infallible, I decided that here was a case of Pompeius locutus est, causa finita est.

"So how are you getting on with the new Bishop of Portsmouth, Philip Egan?" I asked. "I hear that he's something of a traditionalist."

"We get on very well," said his Howler-ness. "He is very concerned that I may be tired through overwork. The Bishop sends me all sorts of interesting literature about retirement schemes, and he suggests that a holiday home in Beirut would suit me down to the ground. It's good to be appreciated."

Before I left the holy presence, I persuaded Pope Paul VII to give me his blessing. "Bless you, bless you, bless you, Ch-Ch-Ch! Snap-Snap! Here a Moo, there a Moo, everywhere a Moo-Moo," he sang, making me feel at one with the beasts of the field with these simple but well-chosen words. Yes, I had been in the presence of a great man, or at least, "a man who grates."

Where ever you go, the music of Paul Inwood is to be heard