This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 30 May 2016

Pope Francis issues pep pills to all clergy

Following his criticism of Catholic clergy for not working hard enough, Pope Francis will be issuing papal pep pills to all priests, deacons and bishops, so that they may be able to work a 23-hour day.

papal pep pill

Habemus pep pill!

As his Holiness points out, clergy get a lot of "rest and relaxation" time each day, when they are either on their knees or sitting down listening to the choir (etc.), and they should not require more than this. "You don't catch me sleeping!" he said. "If I have some spare time I go out and get some selfies taken with the faithful. Even on aeroplane trips I don't sleep or listen to the in-flight movie, but stand up and preach, without notes, without any preparation, and often without thinking!"

pope with red nose

A pope, hard at work.

"Unlike many priests and deacons, I am available 24/7," continued Pope Francis. "At 4 a.m. I telephone random Catholics and tell them that they are self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagians. Curiously, they don't seem to be grateful for this information, and they often swear at me and disconnect the call. Which rather proves my point."

closed for Christmas

Too many churches put up signs like this.

However, not all clergy are as industrious as the pope. Said one Catholic bishop who wishes to remain nameless: "The Holy Father should try doing my job sometime. Even though I've moved all the feast days to Sunday, some people are expecting me to clock in on weekdays as well. And I've got a pile of letters of complaint about Tina Beattie that reaches to the ceiling. Even though I don't read them, let alone answer them, the effort of ignoring them is wearing me out!"


  1. Your blog sucks.

    (Not really: but if I told you that I recently discovered your blog, I like your fair and balanced point of view, and useful illustrations I would look like a spammer, right?)

    Our Great Leader Francis, whom we should call "The Mule" for His outstanding dedication to hard work, is right. Stop looking at your smartwatch, and stop retiring upstairs to play video games, oh young Catholic clergy!

    It is not all about working harder, but smarter.

    Follow the example of people like Don Fabrizio Fiorentino, who in the suburbs of Palermo pioneered the "AperiMessa" (Aperi-Mass for you, barbarians) and multiplied the attendance, by having aperitifs and bossa nova dance after the prayers (so, it is not strictly liturgical dance, unfortunately).
    OK, the Fiorentino guy has its own strange way of spending time, tweeting “Such is life: instead of Cardinal Bagnasco, it is Marco Pannella who dies [promoter of Italian divorce and abortion laws]. To him I'd have rather given the leadership of Italian bishops”. ("Hey, just kidding!", he added when the ambulance and two bulky men dressed in white rushed to take him into proper custody, so everybody had a good laugh).

    Of course, initiatives like these are very delicate, we might offend our Orthodox brothers: "People, who wish to discipline the sexual organs should avoid drinking those artificial concoctions which are called 'aperitifs' - presumably because they open a way to the stomach for the vast meal which is to follow. Not only are they harmful to our bodies, but their fraudulent and artificial character greatly offends the conscience wherein
    God dwells. For what does wine lack that we should sap its healthy vigor by adulterating it with a variety of condiments?" (St Diadochos of Photiki). Not to mention some other rather obscure cults that abstain from alcohol entirely and thus risk being cut off the bossa nova moments.

    But hey, we are supposed to be "contra mundum" sometimes, are we not. And nothing is more contra mundum than working 24/7, is it?

  2. Alice Thomas Ellis claimed to have discovered a parish Somewhere in England where the PP had developed a production-line solution for Confessions, at least. He (allegedly) put a bucket in the church porch into which parishioners were invited to drop a pebble as earnest of their contrition for all their sins (including presumably those which they had forgotten) and every so often he would absolve the lot in one go.

    Actually I think the HF got the idea from Jeremy Hunt (of the rhyming Hunts) who appears to believe that doctors and nurses, like managers in suits, work five days office hours only AND IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

  3. Hilarious as usual. "Habemus pep pills" lol! But yeah seriously, these lazy priests need to up their game. So what if they've been helpin helpin sick an the poor poor setting up hospitals and homeless shelters and schools and visiting the lonely and even hardened criminals in prison to pray with them, not to mention organising free carol concerts each Christmas f th last 2,000 years? It's not good enough! Stop praying and get some work done lazy bones!