This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 23 November 2012

Pope's new book upsets Christmas traditions

The Christian world was reeling this week, with the publication of Pope Benedict XVI's new book Jesus of Nazareth - things you never knew, which attempts to get to the heart of the Christmas story.

Father Christmas

Father Christmas did not fly to Bethlehem in a reindeer-drawn sleigh (the Pope reveals).

The traditional Thought for the Day gospel narrative - which asserts that Father Christmas flew to Bethlehem in a sleigh drawn by reindeer, climbed down the chimney of the stable in which Jesus was lying, and gave Him gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh, a teddy bear, and a train set - is revealed to be in error.

It is also explained that Jesus was not born on 25th December 0 A.D. (or 0 B.C., to add to the confusion), because the year 0 never existed, and anyway Jesus was a Leo and not a Capricorn - a fact known to professors of astrology for many years, and explained in the books of C.S. Lewis. However, a fragment of the Gospel of Isaiah, beginning: "Leo: I've already explained the main points, but beware a tall dark stranger called Judas" is believed to be a forgery.

Mince pie

Mince pies - not the Messiah's favourite food after all?

Another shocking revelation from Pope Benedict is that Jesus was not particularly fond of mince pies, and, as a new-born baby, he was not eating solid food anyway. Moreover, kosher mince pies would have sold out in the Bethlehem shops by Christmas, and the supermarkets would have already been stocking Easter eggs - a custom persisting to this day, in fact.

The tradition of slumping in front of the television at Christmas to watch the 200th re-run of an old film is also claimed to be non-Biblical. The Holy Family did in fact possess a television set (donated by the wise men who came from the East), but the reception in Bethlehem was very poor, and the Holy Family were too busy entertaining visiting angels, shepherds, wise men, and drunks who had come to the wrong door of the inn, to watch television.

Railway children

The Railway Children - perhaps Joseph video-recorded this film for later?

Finally, Pope Benedict claims that, contrary to tradition, there were no oxen, donkeys, possums, llamas, gorillas or hippopotamuses present at Jesus's birth. "Some scholars think that Joseph may have had a pet hamster called Justin," he writes, "but even this was disputed by St Augustine."

Elephant

No room for Nellie at the inn.

Critical reaction to Pope Benedict's book from outside the Catholic Church has been fairly predictable. Professor Richard Dawkins commented "I haven't read it, but it's vile. So's the Pope. So are all Catholics. Aaaaggggh!" and "Father" Giles Fraser said "This book would make me ashamed to be a Christian, if I were one."

24 comments:

  1. Hitchhiking ont he A3423 November 2012 at 12:10

    Blassfemmy! That's wot all this is! I'm gonna tel Hans Kung of you! No statue nof you Eccles!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Phil
      (assuming you are at the Cheadle end of the A34, not near Southampton or. Stratford).

      Delete
  2. Reely? Dat's very worryin, Bruvver Hitch.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Infamy, infamy. They've all got it infamy.

    PBXVI

    ReplyDelete
  4. darling eccles - wot next? No wimmin Apostles? xx Jess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jess, I hopes you is well. Maybe dem 2 girls on de rialway line was Apotsles?

      Delete
    2. Darling eccles, I'm fine, thank you. Bosco has vanished from my blog - the 2 girls are off to buy some buns! Xx Jess

      Delete
    3. I didnt vanish. You wont let me on.I cant even get into my own luwly blog. Something is wrong somewhere. I tried posting on your sterile blog today and yesterday. Jess, i love you but your blog is weak. You have no controversy. No hard hitting jounalism. Just namby pamby feel good madness. You need to walk the tight rope. May i suggest purgatory. If you buy what the vatican is selling, you might as well reassure your readers theres hope in the afterlife. If the idols dont save you, your loved ones can buy you out of hell. Aint that rite Eccles? Someone needs to buy your dumb ass out of hell

      Delete
    4. Bosco dere, is you jaelous as I has been doin thoelogical articles and not writin about your recent expliots?

      Delete
    5. If you have noticed, you can come on my high and mighty site and say anything, whatever is on your pea brain. You dont have the guts to do the same. Even Jess doesnt cut my posts. Thats when they are posted, which doesnt even happen anymore. You dont have the guts of a little housewife. What are you?

      Delete
    6. I is your little bruvver Eccles, and you is my hero and big bruvver Bosco de annominouse. We is both saved pussons, and we is known for kindness and charitty, so day when dey reads our words, poeple says "Dat man reely luvs his nieghbour as hisself."

      But I aint looked at your poor dead blogg for months, Bosco, and I dont fink anyone else has.

      Delete
    7. I cant get into my site and manage it. It says i have to allow cookies to sign in. I dont know how to do that. I bought a new computer thinking it would fix the prob. I might have to start a new blog. Maybe you should go to a doctor and get a new brain. Your blog is nothing but air. How dare you call my site dead. cherrybombcoutour.blogspot.com lives and is alive and well.

      Delete
  5. If Pope Benedict XVI (or Pope Benedict XIV as he is known for short) does not reinstate the donkey he has sacked from the nativity, I will buy my Christmas cards from the Lutherans instead.

    There is nothing like the loss of customer loyalty to bring people to their senses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No room at the inn for a donkey, as the elephant is taking up the space.

      Delete
  6. Gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh? I may be mistaken, but I am sure I read somewhere that Professor Richard Dawkins had said that the Three Wise Men had brought the baby Jesus a gift of a golden Frankenstein monster.

    ReplyDelete
  7. And no Christmas tree??? Is nothing sacred...!

    ReplyDelete
  8. There was definitely a little drummer boy,though. Please don't shatter my illusions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'm sure all good Catalans will want to be reassured that the caganer remains an authentic feature of the Nativity scene.

      Delete
  9. Not a saved parson26 November 2012 at 00:26

    And what about the Wizard of Oz? Or doesn't Papa Ben's book cover the TV scheduling for Boxing Day?

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry Bosco dere I has muddlerated dat one as it wasn't de sort of fing dat a saved pusson should say.

      Delete
  11. Aye Lapin, im convinced you are Eccles. The gig is up, you towering idiot.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Have you been drinking again Eccles? i didnt say anything bad. I should. You scared little wet dog.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bosco is a bully! Bosco is a bully! I'm tellin your Mum!

    ReplyDelete