Humphrey Stalin-Jones, president of the Students Union.
Tamara Gaddafi-Smith (save-the-sardine awareness officer and LBGTWTF rights): So we're inviting Abu Hamza, Rosemary West, Kim Jong Un and Ed Miliband. All good solid Guardian-readers apparently. I can't see us having much trouble with them!
Claud Pol Pot-Johnson (support loyal Myanmar, troops out of Norfolk, and feminist goats liaison): No problem there. Also, I think Gerry Adams, Peter Tatchell, Stuart Hall, and Bashar al-Assad could be invited. I can't see any difficulties there.
Philippa Trotsky-Brown (gay hamster support and eat the Royal Family campaign): Stuart Hall? A better choice than Jimmy Savile. He was a Catholic, you know. Also could we invite Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter and the Dark Lord Sauron?
I would be delighted to visit your college. What's for dinner?
Claud: I'm not sure of their addresses, but their CVs look fine. I'll try and contact them. So there's just one more name on the list?
Tamara: Yes, one Peter D.C.X. Williams of Catholic Voices. Well, we can't have him, he hasn't gone through the correct procedures.
Philippa: Ah yes, Rule 94: the candidate must renounce God and declare unconditional support for gay sex. But there's not much chance of that, the word "Catholic" is rather a giveaway. REFUSED.
What a terrifying person. No wonder he's banned.
Tamara: Funny you should say that, our next nominee is someone called Catherine Pepinster.
Omnes: No problem!