This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

The crimes of the Tradiban

Sister Modernia of Frite-sur-Épaule writes:

It's time to show up the less liberal wing of the Catholic church for what it is - a branch of the Taliban.


Traditionalists Catholics on their way to Mass. That's probably Eccles on the right.

Let us compare the crimes of the Taliban and the Tradiban, and you will see that they are almost identical.

Forced deportation. I attended a Vetus Ordo Mass last week, and the Spirit moved me to a bit of impromptu liturgical dancing. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, twist and shout!" I sang, while the priest was doing something at the altar - I couldn't see what, as he had his back to me and was rudely talking in Latin. All I knew was that he was ignoring my 1960s "Spirit of Vatican II" rock. But what happened? A couple of Tradiban women grabbed me and bundled me into the street. That's the sort of thing they do.

Torture. I force myself to read the New Testament, the Catholic Herald, the Hermeneutic of Continuity blog, and even the Protect the Pope blog. What do I find? Orthodox Catholic doctrine, without a mention of the people's uprising that is to come. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I feel it's my duty to read these reactionary works, and complain about them.


The Tradiban even described the Tablet as corrosive!

Persecution of women. The Tradiban refuses to entertain the thought that next year women will be ordained as priests by the Catholic Church. According to the Tablet, it is inevitable, now that the people's revolution has overthrown Pope Benedict! They prefer to subjugate us, and make sexist remarks to us like "Nice hat you're wearing!" and "Ooh, what a lovely baby you've got!" They hate us if we don't wear mantillas in church - I can tell they hate us, they don't have to say anything.

Kiss me quick

Prof. Tina Beattie models an alternative to the Tradiban mantilla.

Narcotics trafficking. They're all high on incense, take it from me. I went to a Tradiban Mass and lit up my pipe, as I would do in my usual church, Christ the Küng, and everyone protested, even though the air was already thick with smoke. Evidently, there's a Tradiban plot to monopolize the narcotics market.

Holy Smoke

All I wanted was a holy smoke.

Well, I think I've made my point. The Tradiban has modelled itself on the Taliban, and we liberal Catholics must fight them!


  1. I went into one of those dark age rituals and found to my absolute disgust, total silence; not a soul talking. Also, there was that retrograde kneeling nonsense. Imagine making a sign of the cross in this day and age. Moreover, there was a big marble and metal safe on the stone table which the priest kept bowing and genuflecting to, opening and closing it with a key. Strange backward behaviour by those tradicals.

  2. Sorry is the vetus ordo a group trying to bring back a good musical sound? Paula N Wood tried with St Vitus Dance but this form of liturgical choreography is really distracting even for novus ordo.

  3. i ahve to stop reading you eccles........o ma sick wtoh laguher!!

  4. Dear Sir,

    I applaud your courage in standing up to the extremist traddy terrorists in the Catholic Church. I will share with you my horrifying experience of extraordinary rendition by these frightful people.

    One day last Tuesday I was minding my own business organising an CWWC caucus meeting to take over the Diocese of Arundel & Brighton (with the bishop's permission, not that we care anyway) and three men dressed in black came crashing through the ceiling of the church hall brandishing Solemn Vespers in Latin.

    After we had been marched into the church, forced to genuflect, tied up and sat in pews, we were subjected to the extraordinary rendition of Solemn Vespers by these callous terrorists who turned out to be priests. As soon as we saw the birettas we knew any argument was futile.

    What followed was obviously a trick of the devil himself because I had never experienced such enthralling worship. It made our usual Catholic-lite worship look totally crap. That is when i knew it was the work of the devil.

    I would like to put a stop to this and most of the people I know agree, but we are all geriatric bus pass holders and half our members died last year, so we are happy to see that lots of Catholic bishops are now doing our work for us by watering down the faith.

    Stand up to traddy terrorism and sing the password: "It is I Lord."

    Yours etc.,
    Fergus Millsandboon
    Caterham CWWC
    (Campaign for a Wishy Washy Catholicism)

  5. Darling eccles, lovely picture of anti Moly in her younger days - she has the face for a veil, as the saying goes xx Jess

  6. Eow, now my brain really 'urts! (And no, I'm not a Yorkshireman...)

  7. Eccles, I fear for your safety. Does the Tablet have suetside bombers too…?

    Be afraid…be very afraid!