This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 21 October 2013

2 Chronicles

Welcome back, class. I hope you are enjoying the Eccles Bible Project, as we work our way through the Bible, explaining it to beginners. Now today's book of the Bible contains more Jewish history, and duplicates a lot of what we've seen already, so last week I set you all some homework - read 2 Chronicles and write an essay on it.

Ricky Gervais

Gervais! Put your feet down. And where's your essay, boy?

Ah, Dawkins, our star pupil. What's your essay about? Why Solomon wasn't as wise or as rich as what I am. Yes, that's just about on-topic. In 2 Chronicles we do get nine chapters about Solomon, building a temple, running a fleet of chariots bearing the message "THERE'S DEFINITELY A GOD. NOW STOP WORRYING - UNLESS YOU'RE AN ATHEIST," and getting rich from the royalties on his father's psalms. But your essay seems to be mostly about you, and why you should be King too. Could do better, lad.

Moab is my washpot

Not really a useful guide to the 10th century BC.

Now, Fry, I know you once wrote a book called Moab is my washpot, which is a line taken from the psalms. However, when I read it, it seemed to be all about you rather than any of the people we're looking at today. So what is your essay entitled? Rehoboam or Jeroboam - which had the cutest boam? I've got a nasty feeling about this one. Let's move on.

Hari? You have an exclusive interview with King Asa of Judah, in which he tells you that he did that which was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God? Splendid. We'll read that later.

Charlie Chaplin

The chaplin demonstrates a liturgical dance.

Oh yes, Marvin the paranoid deacon. You were sent here on a refresher course, I gather. Do stop spitting at your neighbours. So you've written something for us, explaining how the entire Bible was written by a sockpuppet of Eccles? And you have invented some characters in the style of your favourite newspaper, Viz? That's like the Tablet but a little more Catholic, right? Brilliant idea! Let's see what's on offer.

King Silly Man the not-so-wise. Who is it based on? A boy at school who borrowed your pencil 35 years ago and forgot to give it back? Crumbs, that's biting satire, well done. He'll be seeking counselling, I'm sure.

J. Whosa Fatty, the overweight king of Judah. Ha ha ha, brilliantly witty. Yes, it's true that a certain priest is a little overweight; I'm sure he'll recognise himself there. Yes, I know, isn't it terrible how priests look down on deacons? Well, on some deacons. Well, on you.

Neighbourhood-nurser and Baby Lon. Oh, you're killing me. A woman with a baby, whom you hate intensely because she has got more friends than you? That'll teach her to humiliate you!

Mum and Bea

Neighbourhood-nurser and Baby Lon (ho ho!)

Well, we'd better stop there. Next time we'll look at the book of Ezra, which may be a bit more spiritually nourishing.


  1. Nice picture of Stephen Fry - the genuine profile!

  2. Dear Sir,

    I am sick and tired of your nasty snivelling parodies and who do you think you are kidding everyone nose you are the rabbit whoever he is probably someone who dosent apperciate deacons or their wives or parishes, and another thing you are a spineless anomynised suckpoppet account and I don't even speak to people like you becuse in the end you make people laugh and I only make weak jokes that people take the mickey out of and I end up feeling stupid, where was I? Oh yes having a rant, and anyway you don't no nuffin about 2 Chronicles but I did a whole morning on it in training and we wrote our own spritaul diary to bring it to life and my tutor said my shopping list was a good attempt at a diary, but must go now becuse my bishop has phoned to say I must get off the bloody internet and stop harrassing everyone for which I really sincerely apologise and if you all send me your email addresses I will send you a flusome apoplectic by return, specially if you are a stuck up priest who dosent know deacons are just as better than the laypeople as they are, but I must do something pastorally useful for a change so I am going to bully some pregnant women on the phone now, a tough job but someone has to do it bye for now.

    Deacon Unvisibalis

    1. I am only attempting to provide spirtuual nurishment.

    2. Argh....ignore that last comment. Logged in on the wrong account.

      I blame Anti Moly.

    3. Flipping sockpuppets.

      Too much liking of custard and too little love of the Mass will get you nowhere, my lad !!!

  3. After Chronicle 1 we can really get into 2 Chronicles (grammatical agreement plural this time, well done again). Jeroboam loved lots of champagne in big quantities..

  4. Darling eccles - even by your high standards - suberp - singned Jessica rabit xx :)

  5. …and nothing about Gina Lollobrigida - er, the Queen of Sheba – visiting Yul Brinner – er, Solomon – with hard questions…?

    Tsk, tsk, Eccles – even the Jerusalem Chronicle was all over that story.

    1. You mean questoins like "Ullo, Solomon, wot is 239*4649 ?" Is dis she-bear dame a Viz character?

  6. Asa started the first known sub-aqua salvaging club in human history and the Chronicles 2 record this in Ch 15 Verse 18, "he brought into the house of the Lord, gold and silver, and vessels of divers uses."