This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 13 October 2014

Catholic Church endorses a Dalek lifestyle

We have reached the half-time point of the Extraordinary Synod on the Family, and the two teams have left the field to eat their oranges and have a pep talk from their managers (we won't mention the unseemly incident of the two captains, Cardinals Kasper and Burke, exchanging punches on the way to the changing-rooms).

To mark this stage, a provisional preliminary draft interim preprint "RANDOM WIBBLINGS" has been issued, setting out the Synod's conclusions so far. Apart from the insertion of the word "not" at certain key points, it is likely to be become the basis of an infallible statement of Catholic doctrine by Pope Francis, probably around tea-time tomorrow - at least if you believe the Tablet and the Daily Mail.

screaming pope

Pope Francis wishes he'd never called the Synod in the first place.

The Synod took evidence from several families leading a Dalek lifestyle - this generally involves attempting to dominate the entire Universe, while exterminating anyone who gets in the way - and the general mood was sympathetic. It was felt that there was no place for the hardline traditionalist attitude esposed by Dr Who, and that instead the Church should value the Dalek orientation, with the inherent qualities of aggression, sadism, cruelty and ruthlessness. The key point is this: "Daleks have gifts and qualities to offer to the Christian community: are we capable of welcoming these creatures, guaranteeing to them a fraternal space in our communities?"


Essential nutrition for those attending the Synod!

It is hoped that Daleks will adopt the principle of gradualism (Christ spoke of little else), and move slowly from a lifestyle of mass-exterminating to one of more limited exterminating. Certainly Daleks should be allowed to take Communion, as indeed should remarried divorcees, active homosexuals, atheists, Muslims, Cybermen, Tina Beattie, cats, dogs, goldfish, and indeed any other creature that shows an interest.

The conclusion is clear: it would be unreasonable to demand any particular code of conduct, least of all the adherence to Christian teaching.

Dalek aloft

A Dalek is borne in triumph through the streets of Rome.

Further reading: Pope Francis baptises a Dalek.


  1. The end is Naaaaaay...Neigh....Nigh!

  2. You do realise Bruvver, that if you let in the daleks you'll have to let in the cybermen as well. Thin end of the wedge, but then, many of them started off as human so perhaps we should....

  3. Well, as St Peter was asked, "Who Tardis Peter?". His reply was quite profound as he uttered, "Dalek, mutans mutant is."
    "Who saith thou that I am, Peter?
    "Thou art Time Lord" Peter replied. "My vision is impaired; I cannot see."
    And He replied, " Thou shalt be extra remunerated."

  4. Surely the quote was "Quo Tardis" but they just went Down, Down, Deeper and Down