This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Final report of the Synod on the Family

N.B. Texts in red did not achieve the necessary 2/3 majority, but have been kept in the report just in case the Holy Spirit changes His mind next year.

Vin at synod

"I can't remember meeting Kieran Conry, but I know he's a good family man."

1. We've all had a jolly good fortnight's Synodding, and we particularly appreciated Signora Odone's scrumptious cakes.

2. Homosexual partnerships are great, so much more exciting than heterosexual ones in many ways; we can't see what all the fuss is about, really.

3. No women bishops; Bible still preferred to Koran; polygamy not on offer yet; but all Masses to be in Italian from now on.

4. The Anglicans are fine fellows, so let's do what they do in future. Why should we be any different?

Welby and Pope Francis

"Your arguments are very convincing, Mr Welby."

5. The Sistine Chapel is a great place for concerts, parties, liturgical discos, bar mitzvahs (Jewish), public floggings (Muslim), and hiring out for corporate events. Indeed, we're having some "my other cardinal's in a Porsche" stickers made.

6. From now on, everything said by Cardinal Kasper is infallible doctrine.

7. In the elegant words of St Louise of Mensch: if you're a remarried divorcee, it's wrong to take communion. Is that so hard to understand, dummy?

8. No Africans to be invited to future synods, they really don't understand Western secular culture. Cardinal Kasper never mentioned Africans. Any tape-recordings you have made are forgeries.

Cardinal Napier

Cardinal Napier gatecrashes the synod, disguised as a Yorkshireman.

9. Notwithstanding pressure from the BBC, Guardian and Tablet, we're still basically fans of Christ's teaching, and we think He got most of it right.

10. Raymond Burke is a nasty traddy and we hates him we hates him we hates him is making the Pope look foolish; he will be sent to sort out Arundel and Brighton the Knights of Malta.

Bergoglio and Burke

Even in his days as a chemist, Mr Bergoglio had it in for Mr Burke.

11. Let us now sing Lewis Carroll's moving "Cardinal Kasper song". The first four lines, at least, go quite well to the tune of "Dear Lord and Father of Mankind".

He thought he saw an Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope!' 

12. Notwithstanding the above, new Catholic doctrine will continue to be developed by the Pope by means of informal interviews of which no proper record is taken, or by telephone conversations to random people.

Conclusion: We should not throw stones at people, but it is all right to throw bread rolls.


  1. Kapser's 'No blacks, no Irish Americans' call was beyond hilarious. The guy is in his 80's. How have we got into this mess?

  2. We should be charitable towards the poorsche.

  3. Obviously, with the outcome the way it is we can surely and steadfastly observe that the Cardinals have been watching the wrong TV channel this year. Over to Francis to change it for next year's programme - Dr Who? Vatican Idol? Revenge? Modernist Family? [advanced programme available in pdfile on Venerabilis + chat blog spot]

  4. When the Archbishop of Westminster was introduced on today's Radio 4 Sunday programme as "Cardinal Vincent Knickers" (immediately corrected but not before my mouthful of coffee went up the kitchen wall), I thought we were due for some incisive questioning of His Eminence. But no: he couldn't even remember being at Synod 14 and even if he was there, His Emmental prolly went out to buy a cheese sandwich and can of Coke just when something controversial may have required a vote from him.

    Give him the benefit of the doubt: would you remember voting on anything so unimportant? I have been increasingly annoyed by His Irrelevance of late, but today's non-performance from Cardinal Knickers takes the biscuit.

    1. Yes, the news of +V-cent Nickels and his amnesia came in as I was writing this; the original caption to the 1st photo was a reference to the Farm Street "gay" masses.

  5. Well the trick of stacking the reporting group seems to have backfired. Now we have another 12 months to wait for the grand finale. The strain might just tell on more than a few nerves.