The front door opens and Fr Dougal walks in. Ted hastily hides his copy of the Beattie book, and picks up a copy of the Vatican II Document Extra Tedium.
Nothing's wrong with the Catholic Church in Ireland!
Dougal: Hello, Ted. I've just run into one of those funny Redemptorist priests, and he told me to vote for "gay marriage", so I agreed. So tell me, Ted, what is "gay marriage"?
Ted: Now, Dougal, it's when two men or two women get married, rather than a man and a woman.
Dougal: Ha, ha, ha! That's hilarious, Ted! Those Redemptorists really took me in!
Ted (slowly): It's not supposed to be funny, Dougal.
Mrs Doyle meets a Redemptorist (Gerry O'Connor) in a sacred place.
Jack (waking suddenly): FECK! DRINK! GIRLS!
Ted: Now, Father Jack, that's not appropriate language these days! What did I tell you to say?
Jack (puzzled): FECK! DRINK! GIRLS AND BOYS!
Ted: That's much better, Father. We don't want complaints about your being "exclusive".
Fr Jack is given his voting instructions.
The telephone rings. Mrs Doyle answers it.
Mrs Doyle: It's Bishop Brennan, Father. I'll go and put the kettle on in case he wants some tea.
Fr Ted looks at her in puzzled way, but picks up the phone.
Ted: The money was just resting in my account, Bishop Brennan!
Brennan: Never mind that now, Crilly! How are you going to vote in this referendum?
Ted: Well, I thought, since Christ said marriage was between a man and a woman, I'd just vote No. But I'll pretend I voted Yes.
Brennan: Ted, you may vote according to your conscience, provided that you vote Yes. For if I catch you voting No, you'll end up in an even worse place than Craggy Island - I'll send you off to Ballydancer to work with Tony Flannery! The Church needs a Reality Check, Crilly!
The bishop slams down the receiver.
The Pope's report says we've failed our reality check, and we're not worth repairing.
Dougal: I heard all that, Ted. So, does that mean we're not going to be Catholics any more?