This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 18 May 2015

Hopes fade for Michael Coren

Doctors monitoring the state of Michael Coren, the Catholic Evangelical Catholic Anglican Druid writer have expressed themselves as pessimistic about the possibility that he can be saved. Since swimming the Tiber for the fourth time (and becoming eligible for a Frequent Swimmer Gold Card), Mike has shown a distinct inability to laugh at his predicament, and - unlike the rest of us - is taking himself far too seriously.

Michael Coren

Cheer up, Mike!

We have made attempts to bring a smile to the face of Mr Coren (after all, he is supposed to be keen on "gay" issues). These include tickling him with a feather during his latest television interview, putting a whoopee cushion on his seat when he attended (Anglican) church, and reading out in a silly voice some passages from Why Catholics are Right. All to no avail, he's still Mike Misery-Guts.

Rosica and Kasper

Kasper has just stuck a "Kick me" sign to the back of Fr Rosica.

Contrast this with the demeanour of his Eminence, Cardinal Kasper, who has a somewhat perpetual grin. Wally Kasper's views are not very different from Mike Coren's, but he has managed to avoid donning the old life-jacket and plunging into the Tiber. Of course, some regard the Kasper grin as a sign of mania, but it's better than scowling all the time.

Kasper and Radcliffe

"So then his Holiness saw the sign and gave him a kick!"

Another smiler who makes the good folk at the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith throw up their hands in disgust is Fr Timothy Radagast the White, who has been packed off to Rome as consultor to the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace. We were hoping that this was a non-job, designed to keep him out of trouble, but unfortunately Timmy Radish - who, like his namesake keeps coming back leaving a nasty taste - will probably consider that drivelling on about homosexual rights is the main purpose of Catholicism.

Rowan Williams and Radcliffe

"That's funny, I reject Catholic teaching as well."

So, Mike, why not come back again to the Catholic Church - it will get you a mention in the Guinness Book of Records, and as a Frequent Swimmer you'll get complimentary champagne and fatted calf! After all, your ludicrous anti-Christian views are already shared by some very senior types in Rome! Think about it, OK?


  1. Fr Radagast's Twitter feed is presumably

    in his thatch.

  2. Maybe God will make an exception for him and move him about between heaven, hell, purgatory, limbo, reincarnation and nirvana in the next life.

  3. "Anglican converts to The Church of England" - what a great headline...yawn!

  4. Rumours in Rome are that Francis may abdicate early next year with Kasper touted to become pope - he could take the name Martin.

  5. Swimming the Tiber...Michael Coren reminds my of the wildebeest I saw in Africa. They stood at the river's edge (not the Tiber), very indecisive about plunging in. They would retreat and come forward...retreat and come forward. Finally a few started and then the whole herd followed. It was a sight to see!

    However, our guide pointed out that they had just crossed in the other direction the day before! And they were now going the wrong way and would have to recross again if they wanted to continue their migration!

  6. Please Lord, free Mr Coren from the evil that he is labouring under.