All Anglican clergy to be rebranded as women

Following the Anglicans' widely-reported calls to refer to God as a woman (John Bingham is not widely-regarded as a satirist, so we must assume that this piece is serious), there have been further calls to refer to all Church of England clergy as "she".

The lovely Justine Welby, Archbishopess of Canterbury.

Referring to God as "Our Mother" may be regarded as controversial, and would involve a rewriting of the Lord's - er, Lady's - prayer in terms such as "Our Mother, who art in Heaven, Holly be thy name, ..." No such difficulties are seen in deeming all Anglican clergy to be female: as one commentator said, "They're all a bunch of old women, anyway. Besides, atheists are used to referring to them as 'men in dresses', so if we decide that they are 'women in dresses', then this instantly demolishes a powerful anti-clerical argument."

Bishop Libby gives a blessing.

Deeming all clergymen to be female will also be in keeping with the Spirit of the Age (which is an Anglican cousin of the Spirit of Vatican II), for the married males will suddenly find themselves in same-sex partnerships, which can only be a good thing. Ask Father Gerry O'Morrah of the Irish Catholic Church to explain this to you.

Mother Giles Fraser has declared herself "delighted" with her statutory change in sex; it has always been a disappointment to her that she has been unable to identify herself fully with the "gay marriage" community, being married to a woman and being the father of kids.

N.B. While researching this article (oh yes, we did) we discovered that "Giles" is derived from the Greek αιγιδιον (aigidion) meaning "young goat". So "kids" is the right word.

"Why do the sheep go on the right and the goats on the left, anyway?"

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

The Pope poses with a saved creature.

A mini-bestiary

In mythological writings, one encounters many fantastic and improbable creatures. Here are two really strange ones that we came across recently.

The Basilisk (Basiliscus Loftus).

The basilisk is a terrifying monster indeed, known for screaming unearthly threats in an attempt to petrify its enemies. It tends to occupy a little-known place called Catholica Tempora, where it leaves behind strange markings which many people find disgusting. This eccentric creature makes an interminable croaking sound, something like "va-ti-can-too va-ti-can-too". It runs away screaming if it hears Latin being spoken. People who speak the language of the basilisk claim that virtually everything it says is nonsense.

The Chimera (Davidus Chimeron).

One of the most repulsive creatures known to haunt Westminster is the chimera: an abomination that is part-man, part-goat and part-snake. An animal known for its love of deceit, it is rightly called "three-faced". These monsters like to reproduce by a same-sex bonding which they quaintly call "marriage". The creature is considered by many religions to be an obscene parody of God's creation. Sometimes the chimera simply acts the goat, but often the snake part is in control, and the animal is then at its most deadly.

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Unfortunately, we have no space for the Giant Boring "Tina" Beetle, the Holy Smoke Elemental, or the Catherine Piranha (or Tabletista). Some other time, perhaps.