Do women have the right to bare arms?

This week's big question arises from a tweet from Fr Kevin Cusick, namely,

Ladies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.

Not welcome at Mass.

This caused a mighty backlash on Twitter, and the good Fr KC felt obliged to drop out, rather than simply replying "You is not saved only I is saved," to his critics, which would be guaranteed to stun them into silence (it always works for me). We asked our experts to comment:

Sister Judy Piranha of the "Nuns on the Train": Coo-eee, Kevin!!?? Come along to our convent, and you'll see far more than naked shoulders!!?? Doesn't your constitution give women the right to bare arms??!! As a retired major-general, you should know all about that!!?? Anyway, Little Judy is just DYING to meet you, and give you a good time!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Bare shoulders are only part of the problem.

Fr James Martin, LGBTSJ: I hope you're all having a good Pride Month, following on from Gay History Month, Catholic Lesbian Month, Transitioning Deacon Month, Priests who like Gay Sex in a Vat of Olive Oil Month, etc. etc.! There's something for everyone in our church, and nobody I know will be excited by a woman's bare arms - except for most of the other women! Anyway, must dash, the Jesuits have got a male stripper coming to Mass this evening!

Fr Jack Hackett, Craggy Island: GIRLS!!!!

Bishop Libby, a part-time onion-seller.

Bishop Libby: We Anglicans brought women's rights kicking and screaming into the 1960s, and burning our bras was only the first step. And the Catholics copied us - there isn't a single cardinal who wears a bra! Not even Tobin. Well, they couldn't get one in his size... Now, girls, remember to dress decently and tastefully, as I do!

Fr Kevin Cusick (mostly saved): You see what I have to put up with?

All Anglican clergy to be rebranded as women

Following the Anglicans' widely-reported calls to refer to God as a woman (John Bingham is not widely-regarded as a satirist, so we must assume that this piece is serious), there have been further calls to refer to all Church of England clergy as "she".

The lovely Justine Welby, Archbishopess of Canterbury.

Referring to God as "Our Mother" may be regarded as controversial, and would involve a rewriting of the Lord's - er, Lady's - prayer in terms such as "Our Mother, who art in Heaven, Holly be thy name, ..." No such difficulties are seen in deeming all Anglican clergy to be female: as one commentator said, "They're all a bunch of old women, anyway. Besides, atheists are used to referring to them as 'men in dresses', so if we decide that they are 'women in dresses', then this instantly demolishes a powerful anti-clerical argument."

Bishop Libby gives a blessing.

Deeming all clergymen to be female will also be in keeping with the Spirit of the Age (which is an Anglican cousin of the Spirit of Vatican II), for the married males will suddenly find themselves in same-sex partnerships, which can only be a good thing. Ask Father Gerry O'Morrah of the Irish Catholic Church to explain this to you.

Mother Giles Fraser has declared herself "delighted" with her statutory change in sex; it has always been a disappointment to her that she has been unable to identify herself fully with the "gay marriage" community, being married to a woman and being the father of kids.

N.B. While researching this article (oh yes, we did) we discovered that "Giles" is derived from the Greek αιγιδιον (aigidion) meaning "young goat". So "kids" is the right word.

"Why do the sheep go on the right and the goats on the left, anyway?"

Saint of the Week - St Libby

St Libidina ("Libby") Lane of Stockport was a twenty-first century Anglican saint, known for bringing Christianity to the sexist, misogynist, pagan lands of Stockport.

St Libidina of Stockport.

Such was her piety that St Libby was described by the legendary Archbishop Sentamu (a man of such exalted station that he was outranked only by Archbishop Welby, Queen Elizabeth II and God - and even then, only just) as "following in the footsteps of St Margaret Clitherow."

"Actually, I meant to say Jimmy Clitheroe, but nobody noticed."

St Margaret Clitherow was a Catholic Saint who was martyred in 1586 by being crushed with rocks (this was in the reign of Good Queen Bess, and was part of her policy of "tolerance towards Catholics"). St Libidina, on the other hand, suffered far greater woes, as she saw a succession of useless no-hopers appointed to the job of bishop - this is also a Catholic tradition - while she was sent out to make the tea and do the washing-up. Was she never to wear the coveted hat of a bishop?

St Margaret Clitherow - her martyrdom was considered a "luxury" by Yorkshiremen.

Of course traditions in the two churches do differ. The Catholics are forced to follow in the sexist footsteps of Jesus Christ, a man who never said anything significant about equality and diversity, women's issues, or the right to wear Babylonian fish hats. The Anglicans, on the other hand, take their lead from Henry VIII, a man who married six times and fully knew how to give a girl a good time (at least for a while).

The latest in bishop's mitres.

The day of St Libidina's fast-track consecration/ ordination/ promotion/ redeployment to an executive role in Anglico was itself full of drama. As the Archbishop read out the traditional words "Does any sexist mail chauvinist pig know any just cause or impediment why this girl may not be given a key to the bishops' washroom?" there came a cry of "Put a sock in it, Sentamu!" Nonetheless, a miracle occurred, and Archbishop Sentamu managed to achieve something that Christ Himself would never have dared to do. Yes, St Libidina had made it to the Board of Directors!

Church of England appoints first female bishop

The Church of England today became history, er sorry, made history, when it appointed its first female bishop, Mrs Looby Loo. Traditionalists - those who had not yet fled to become Catholics, Orthodox or Muslims - had hoped that the announcement that it was possible to appoint women to such positions was enough to satisfy everyone, and like the nuclear deterrent, it was a threat that never actually needed to be exercised.

Looby Loo (L) with Bishop Andrew Pandy and Rev Edward Bear.

Mrs Loo has had a strong media profile since she appeared regularly on television with fellow-clerics "Andy" Pandy and "Teddy" Bear; indeed, the fact that the three of them lived together in a picnic basket was once regarded as something of a minor scandal in church circles. She is also celebrated in a well-loved Anglican carol, to be found in the best-selling hymn book Hymns Ancient, Modern, Postmodern and Downright Silly:

Here we go looby loo, 
Here we go looby light, 
Here we go looby loo, 
All on a Saturday night.

Mrs Loo today declared herself "overjoyed" to be appointed Bishop of Stockport, saying "I am delighted to be the first rag doll ever to promoted to the grade of bishop (except possibly for George Carey), and I look forward to seeing other characters from children's programmes taking their rightful part in the management structure of Anglico PLC."

The Rev. Weed, with her two deacons.

A hot tip for the next female bishop is the Reverend Weed, who is tipped to be become bishop of one of our "garden cities", possibly Letchworth or Welwyn. When asked for her views on today's announcement, she modestly cried "Weeeeeeeeeed!" and refused to elaborate on this statement. Her deacon, Bill (or was it Ben?) was more outspoken, saying "Flobadob-a-wobadob-a-flobadop", which one may take as a definitive comment on the whole issue of women's ordination.